Sunday, August 29, 2004

There's a spider in the corner and I'm afraid...

We're at a standoff right now.
My nephew spent the night Friday night and we had great fun.  Unfortunately, he didn't pester my daughter as much as usual...they actually got along for once.  It was not nearly as entertaining (LOL!).
We ventured out to the State Fair again last night, this time to see a free concert. 
Some background:
1.  I love free concerts at the fair.  They're held in the old Cardinal Stadium, always at eight p.m. as the sun goes down...
2.  My grandparents (they do figure into this story) went to three concerts this week.  All country music concerts.  You have never seen a bigger country music fan in the world than my grandmother.  I cannot stress this enough.  And let's emphasize the word 'fan' here, as in 'fanatic'.  She is one of those crazy people who duck under barricades and goes knocking on George Jones's front door.  My heroic grandfather is not a fanatic...he's a mere fan...but in love with my grandmother so he always goes with her!
So we get to the fairgrounds, traipse inside and sit down, and I remember that my grandparents are supposed to be there.  I told D that I knew where they would be sitting - guaranteed, down in the first section, and even though it might be reserved seating, that's still where they would be.
I called my grandma's cell phone, and sure enough, that's where they were...she pointed at landmarks for me to find them by, I located them way down there, my grandma already making people move over so we could sit with them (my grandma is a force to be reckoned with, believe me).
So this is how D and I came to be on a kind of double date with my grandparents (aged 74 and 70, though you wouldn't have known it by the way they acted at this concert!).
So, two things I'll always remember about this concert:
First, I'll always remember how thankful I was to be standing there having fun with my grandparents...
Secondly, I'll always remember how I went into a concert not really knowing anything about RANDY TRAVIS, except that I knew he was a legend and so I wanted to see him...and went away from the concert a duly minted Randy Travis fan and determined to learn the words to his songs so that next time I see him in concert I can sing along like everyone else was.
I mean, WOW!, talk about putting on a great show.  Who knew?  I guess he's learned something in his 20+ years of touring...
I love when concerts surprise you. 

Thursday, August 26, 2004


yawning yawning yawning
Tomorrow I have to work...and then go to my daughter's first volleyball game...and then go help set up for Donna and Steve's baby shower...and then I had promised my nephew he could spend the night with me.  I didn't really mean to sign up for  shower duty and nephew duty on the same night, not to mention the fact that Friday night is my 'crash from lack of sleep' night.  It's just that Donna is such a good friend, and my nephew loves to come over and pester my daughter (he's 3, she's 12), and I miss them both.  It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My daughter's second week of school has been school, anyway...and terrible at home.  The mornings and nights have been so bad, I can't even talk about it.  I think I've aged a few years in just this one week.  Hopefully I'll get over it and she'll grow out of it...I hate being tried like this.
I've been glued to the Olympics and not getting anything else done...
I managed to make it to the Y twice this week, yay!
I've read lots of books this week...nothing involving intelligence, just novels...
I bought my daughter a book the other day...decided it might be too old for her so I read it wasn't too old for her, but I liked it so much, I read it again.  Now I'll finally give it to her.  She picked it up yesterday and wanted to read it, and I told her as soon as I read it she could...I didn't mention that I had read it once already!
I hope this weekend goes well.  I hope Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde go away on vacation. 
I wonder how many times in my life I have said, "I hope things go well."  It must be my mantra...
The engrossing pre-teen must-read, by the way?  It's All-American Girl by Meg Cabot.

Monday, August 23, 2004

I love Alexei Nemov...

Really, a lot. ...
I started taking classes at U of L when I was a junior in high school.  It was really my only choice for college, because I didn't want to leave Louisville (in the manner of all silly girls, the truth was that I didn't want to leave my boyfriend at the time!).
So I graduated from high school, went to U of L full time, had a baby in between my first and second years...I finally graduated 11 years after I had taken my first college class. 
During that 11 years, I sat out a few semesters, and took every class under the sun for a few semesters.  I changed my major several times before I finally picked Philosophy, because I realized I had taken more Philosophy classes than anything else and by that fifth or sixth year I really just wanted to graduate as quickly as possible.
After I graduated, I thought I would go back actually took me three years.  I finally went back last year.  I had to start again with baby steps, one class only, due to time and money.  I successfully finished my one class in the fall semester, and pulled myself through the spring semester.  I was exhausted but very proud of myself...two classes, two A's...
Then I found out that not only does my employer actually pay for all my college classes (don't ask why I didn't know that, this is clueless Michelle we're talking about), I found out that it would also reimburse me for the two classes I took this past year.  Wow!
Thoughts of endless, PAID-FOR school stretched out before me.  I could picture myself going back to school forever...what a wonderful dream for wanna-be professional students like me!  Last month I took a day off work specifically to go down to U of L and get all my paperwork in order... I was coming back with no limitations!
So what happened to me these past couple of weeks?
I have no idea, but I can talk about one of the balls that I dropped...I didn't register for my classes.  I KNEW the time was comingup...I KNEW what I wanted...and I just didn't do it.  I didn't forget.  I just didn't do it.
There are many other things that I didn't do these past weeks, and many balls that I dropped and I still haven't picked up.  I didn't go to appointments, I didn't schedule appointments, I didn't get my daughter's school stuff together in a timely manner, I didn't pay some bills (even though the money was there!).  The list goes on and on.  I only did SOME things, not ALL things.  Just the bare minimum.
I'm working on it.  This one in particular, even though it seems so frivolous, just makes me so upset with myself.  If I'm not a student, what am I?  
In John Glenn's autobiography, he talked about some of the tests he went through when he was hoping to be an astronaut.  One thing the scientists made them do was sit in a room and write down on paper 100 sentences beginning with the words, "I am...".
What would you say?  I would say, "I am Michelle, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter, a niece...I am a Christian, a reader, a writer...I am a brunette, a Kentuckian...I am depressed, I am tired...I am a student...".
Take one or all away, and am I still me?  Is there a heirarchy of what is me?  Or are those just labels that we add on to ourselves?
I can't, and won't, wait to be comfortable again, and back to me, and have things make sense. 
And I swear that I am going to try very hard not to write any more depressing journal entries!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Fair Time

We went to the fair today.  The State Fair, and it seemed like everyone else that lives in Kentucky decided to go today, also - probably because the weather was perfect, not too hot, clear skies...
The sun went down and the moon was perfect, too, close to the ground so that it seemed so large and friendly, that perfect burgeoning crescent moon...
I had a mild little panic attack at one point, inside in the midst of thousands of people, but it happened just once, and I worked through it.  I also went to the post office this morning, and I bought my daughter a new mattress today.
So I did three things.
I love how there are distinct stages that you go through when you take a child to the fair...we get there and park, and she's running out of the car..."Hurry, hurry"...we get inside to the exhibits and she's the maniac bargain-hunter looking for free stuff...she pulls us outside to go to the Midway and she has to have ice cream and lemonade and a corn dog...she has to go in every fun house on the Midway...D wins her a stuffed dog...she hugs the dog and it's her new best friend...then, it's all over..."My tummy hurts, my feet hurt, I want to go hooooooome", over and over...and we trudge back to the car and go home.
It's great fun, and it's comforting, because it's always the same...

Thursday, August 19, 2004

A certain slant of light...

"There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons --
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes --

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us --
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are --

None may teach it -- Any --
'Tis the Seal Despair --
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air --

When it comes, the Landscape listens --
Shadows -- hold their breath --
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death --"

-Emily Dickinson
Friday 2 a.m. resolution:
I will try very hard to take control of this thing.  This weekend.  I refuse to spend another week like this.
Going to sleep now....have to get up at 6 a.m.
Will also try to get my articulateness back.  If ever I was.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Still hiding...

...and not quite wanting to face the fallout yet...and life goes on...
My daughter's first day of 7th grade went well (sigh of relief).  Last year was so hard on her, I really hope that this year will be better.  You know, middle school was extremely difficult when I went through it.  It's almost like I'm reliving those years now with my daughter.  I just hope I can be a help to her and not a hindrance...
I went back to the dentist today...I called them on my way out of work.
Me: "Hi, this is Michelle, I was just calling to make sure I had an appointment today."
Them: "Yes, I have you down for 2:20."
Me: "And do you have nitrous ready for me today?"
It was very funny when I got there...everyone apparently now knows about last week's debacle and so were VERY solicitous to me this time...they outfitted me right away with sunglasses, headphones, and nitrous, and three different people were hovering over me..."Are you still okay?  Are you still okay?"...
It's like I have my eyes shut as I'm forcing myself forward.  Just a little bit further...then I'll stop hiding. 


...still climbing, out of the hole...trying not to see how far I have to go...
And besides that, today is my daughter's first day of 7th grade...I'm so nervous!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Messed up...

For such a beautiful song about beauty in simple things, it’s seems so poignant sometimes.
Where would I be if I hadn’t started my journal back in February? I thought it would help me make sense of things, and it has. But I never thought that I would meet such wonderful people who would become such good friends to me.
Julie, Jan, Anna, Anita, Mary, everyone, thank you for your friendship.
Although ‘Thank you’ just doesn’t seem like enough.
I just don’t quite know what exactly I did this summer to put me in this position. It’s no one else’s fault but mine.
We’re not ready for this week. We’re not prepared to go to the end of the year.
I’m always fixated on the mistakes I’ve made in the past, even though I know I should let them go…God’s already forgotten them. Now I have another mistake to add to the list.
I’ve dropped the ball.
I’m feeling…frantic. I have to go figure out how to climb myself out of a hole, and in the meantime present a calm front to my daughter, which I haven’t been very successful in doing lately. I wish there were more than me.
I’m sure I’ll figure things out. I hope it gets done sooner than later. I wish I could skip this process and already be There, over There, having jumped over this point to the next point where I don’t feel like such a failure.
More half full later, I hope…

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Where is the state of loneliness?

I have to get ready for the week.
I’ve really messed up.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

How to spend $100 in one day...

Went to the used bookstore today…with $10 credit…and made the mistake of taking my daughter with me…she picked out more books that I did! I ended up using my credit, and then I had to whip out the debit card.
Spent at bookstore: $23

Then went to Chuck E Cheese…kind of a last weekend before school thing…so she could play games in search of tickets and I could balance my checkbook before we went to the movies (though all I really did was read one of my new books!). We also decided to eat lunch there.
Spent at Chuck E Cheese: $40
Then went to the movies, to see "Princess Diaries 2", which bears hardly any resemblance to the books but was still a good movie. Julie Andrews sings in this one! Of course, to enjoy the movie, we didn’t need just Julie Andrews, we also had to have popcorn (me), and Gummi Bears (my daughter)…
Spent at the movies: $31
And then, after the movie, we stopped back at Chuck E Cheese to get our picture taken, because we didn’t have time to do it before the movie. Of course, once we got there, more money went to "just a few more games". I actually did balance my checkbook the second time we went there, which is when I realized just how much money I had spent today…
Spent at Chuck E Cheese (2nd time): $6
Wasn’t I supposed to make my car payment this week? Oh well…
We had a really nice day. We went out to eat that evening, and by then my boyfriend was done with all his exciting mowing and weed-eating so he could join us, and I no longer had to worry about all the money that was flying away, and we came home to watch the Olympics (that part, at least, was free)…
And you know,
Being one-on-one with your daughter the last weekend before school?: PRICELESS

Patrick's Six...

Patrick's Saturday Six, not quite on Saturday, but it's not REALLY Sunday until after you wake up, so...
1. So no one likes that "Favorite Gadgets" question on AOL's Member Profiles. What would you replace it with?
I never thought about the Favorite Gadgets thing, I just always skipped over it! Hmm…hmm…(three minutes later)…I’m not creative, AT ALL. I can’t think of a thing, so I’ll go with the first thing I see right now and say, "Favorite DVD box set?"

2. How many credit cards do you have at the moment, and of those, how many do you use regularly?
I have no credit cards, I learned my lesson during my first year of college! Debit card only for me…

3. It's your chance to "Come on Down!" You decide to be on a game show. Which show do you think you'd win the most on: "The Price is Right," "Match Game," "Jeopardy," "Wheel of Fortune," "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" or "Pictionary?"
Jeopardy, provided I can figure out the math part of Final Jeopardy…How DO these people know how to win by $1?

4. A past edition of the "Saturday Six" asked you to list how many states you'd visited. This time around, in the spirit of the "Parade of Nations" in the Olympics, it's time to list any foreign countries you've set foot in.
Germany, England, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Austria (mostly courtesy of the US Army, when my dad was stationed over there and took us with him…)

Tara: What's the significance of your AOL screenname? M and R are my first and middle initials, C and C are my daughter’s first and middle initials, and GOODY is a variation of my last name. Very easy!
Nettie: Did you ever have a "true love" that got away...and have you always regretted it?Yes, and no…there was nothing I could do about my love that went away, and I don’t regret it because I’m very happy with my love today.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Who's left?

When I was fourteen years old, I was gawky and geeky...braces, glasses, bad haircut, silly manner...
My brother was nineteen and would bring his hoodlum friends home with him all the time.  I hated it!  Mostly because I would have to go to my room to get away from them...also because they were "older men" and I was usually lounging around at my unflattering best when they came in, and all I really wanted to do was impress them.
It was in this gawky period that I first met D, one of my brother's best friends.  To me, he seemed strange, always making odd comments...and no way did I have a crush on him, because he was shorter than me!  There ARE rules, you know...
When I was sixteen, I was out of the gawky stage and also (mostly) out of the geeky stage.  This was the era of my group of friends going to EVERY concert that came into town, and playing pool in EVERY seedy bar in the South End, courtesy of my brother who got me into places I would never have been allowed to otherwise due to my overprotective mom. 
At this point in time, my brother's friends, including D, became pawns in a matchmaking game with MY friends.  The same group of us went to all the concerts and pool halls together.  There was still no interest between D and me.  For me, he had that whole weird comments thing, and also the short thing.  For him, it was the whole my brother is an overprotective maniac thing, and also the tall thing.
I tried to set him up with one of my short friends.  Luckily, that fell through.
When I was eighteen, I was sufficiently old enough and so, unbeknownst to me until years later, D nervously asked my brother if I was dating anyone.
By this time, of course, not only did I have a boyfriend, but I was also pregnant...definitely off limits!
The next four years were a rollercoaster for me.  I had a full plate of trying to raise a toddler while working and going to college.  I went through about four or five boyfriends during that time...not my finest hour now that I look back at it.  I didn't know what I was doing. 
During that period of time, D was an acquaintance who still hung out with my brother.  Still weird...but oddly enough, I didn't have the aversion to him that I used to have.  It probably had something to do with the fact that he always played with my daughter when he saw her...
I first got the inkling of something more than acquaintanceship during the reception of my brother's first (very brief) wedding.  I had stationed myself against the wall and out of the way, as usual.  My daughter (then about two or three years old) was having a ball on the dance floor, and I was content to watch her.  D made a point to come and stand beside me several times during the still didn't really mean anything to me until one of my brother's other friends came by and asked if I was still dating the kickboxer (boyfriend #4, I think)...I said no, and he said, D will be happy to hear that.
Being me, I was still kind of clueless.  What did he mean?  It took days for me to come to a conclusion...
And then, still, nothing happened with me and D, for at least another year...until another wedding, more hanging around me during the whole reception.  By this time, I was interested.  It had only taken me eight years to come around to this.  But would he ever make a move?
(it's been the story of my life ever since...)
Finally, my brother called me one day, MONTHS later, and wanted to know if it was okay to give D my phone number.
Well, duh! 
And that is how, nine years after we first met, D and I became a couple...he called me up, asked me out, we fell in love...and now, after eight years together, I don't know what I'd do without him.  He's my best friend.  I would never have thought, at fourteen years old, that when I was twenty-three years old we would start dating, and that when I was thirty-one years old we'd still be together.
Things are not perfect, of course...there's still some trust issues (mine), and some frustration (mine), and some extreme slowness to the point of moving backward (his).
He still makes weird comments, sometimes...I look forward to hearing them now...
And, on an up note, I think we're almost past the too short/too tall thing!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Subjects are akin to sound bites...

It's been a long time since I did one of these, and I really liked this one, so I borrowed this from Anna's journal... 
1.  WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?    Some white plates...some Disney plates. 
2.  WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?    I'm reading several right now...In my bag to take to work, I've got Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman (which I'm re-reading), and The Hotel Riviera by Elizabeth Adler.  I sometimes take three or four different books to all depends on my mood as to which book I'm going to read. 
3.  WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?    Three wolves , mountains, forest, a crescent moon, and a full earth. 
5.  FAVORITE MAGAZINE?    Entertainment Weekly.  (I'm on the shallow side...)  I also like Outside, I'm always stealing that from work and the Y. 
6.  FAVORITE SMELL?  Chocolate 
7.  LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?  Cabbage.  And broccoli and cheese. 
8.  WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?  The first thing that I think of is when I can go back to sleep. 
9.  LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?  I like all colors. 
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?   I never answer the phone.  I talk on it all day at work.  I'd be happy to never see another phone. 
11.  FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?  I would love another child.  For a long time, I would think about names...But not lately. 
Okay, I would say John for a boy, after my brother and my grandfather...For a girl, I don't know, I already used up the perfect one for my daughter. 
12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?   I can't answer the question right now.  I know what it should be, and what I want it to be, and what it actually is to me.  Three different things...which is the right answer? 
13. FAVORITE SOUND?   My daughter, humming as she does with nearly everything, and she doesn't even realize she's doing it... 
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?  Chocolate chocolate chocolate. 
16. STORMS: COOL OR SCARY?   Cool.  And scary. 
17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?   1985 Dodge Omni 
18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?   I would like to meet my great-grandfather.  My grandma and her sisters still talk about their "Daddy" with such love... 
19.  WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?   February 7 
20. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?   I don't eat vegetables.  Or fruit. So I think the answer to this one would be "no". 
21. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?   This is alway such a tricky question.  Because the next thing you would say is, you know what, you CAN have any job.  What's stopping you? 
Why am I working at a job I don't really like?  It's okay, but certainly now what I ever dreamed about. 
The job I would really like would be to work as a researcher. 
22.  IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  I kind of like my own hair color.  Except for those pesky gray hairs that keep showing up. 
24. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?  There is no glass. 
25. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES?   I'm a movie junky.  I can't choose!  Okay, okay...Apollo13, Return To Me, It's a Wonderful Life, Casablanca, Wizard of Oz, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, High Fidelity, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Matrix...I have no idea, really, I'm cheating and looking at my DVD shelf. 
28. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?  In the tradition of Douglas Adams fans everywhere, I'll have to say 42.
29. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR?  Something bad happening to my daughter.  And tornadoes. 
30. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.   Since I found this in Anna's journal...she is a wonderful friend, a wonderful mother, and someone whom I admire very much in her commitment to building up and helping other people. 
31. FAVORITE CD?  I have several.  I can't pick!  I really can't pick this one.
Okay, I guess I lied, I'll have to take this opportunity to say that Metallica's 'Ride the Lightning' is the best album ever, so it would probably be my favorite CD. 
32. FAVORITE TV SHOWS?   All Star Trek.  Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek.  Buffy.  Angel.  Dawson's Creek.  My So-Called Life.  (All my favorites seem to be off the air, but still going strong on DVD...) Survivor.  Big Brother.  I just discovered The Amazing Race in the last couple weeks, it's really good, I don't know if it's one of my favorites, but it and Big Brother are the only things I'm actively watching that's on the air right now. 
33. HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS?  Neither.  I'll take chicken, please. 
34. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK?   Diet Pepsi! 
35. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?  Hard to choose...for me I guess it's a toss-up between the Austrian Alps, and Wyoming. 
37. CATS OR DOGS?  Dogs 
38. WHITE HOLIDAY LIGHTS OR MULTI COLORED?  I like white lights on my tree, which reflect off all my red and yellow ornaments.  For houses, I love to see the multi-colored lights. 
Editor's note:  Life just goes along swimmingly until your stupid computer messes up.  If the font doesn't work this time, my computer and I are going to have a long, serious talk...

Monday, August 9, 2004

Is your bed your buddy?

My bed is where I want to be, all the time.  Specifically, in bed, under the covers.  I think about it at work, when I'm driving, even when I'm at home sitting in front of the computer.
It's my safe place.
I wonder why it's my safe place?  It's not like it's the place where I spend the most time.  It's not a place where I've spent my happiest moments.  But it's where I want to be.  And it's only MY bed that's my safe place.  Beds in hotels are not my safe place.  When you're out of town and staying in hotels for days, what's the foremost thought on your mind?  Getting home to your own bed...
I wonder what my daughter's safe place is.  She hates her bed and has taken to sleeping on the couch until I buy her a new mattress (she says her old mattress is lumpy).  I don't think the couch is her safe place!  I'll have to ask her, because now I'm really curious...
All I know is that whenever things are going bad, or if I need to hide away from things, or if, like today, I get home from the dentist numb and shaky, it's my bed that I go to.  Maybe the attachment has something to do with vulnerability and sleep, but regardless, my bed is my friend.
Going there now...

Oh no, it's the depressed dental patient...

My dentist's office KNOWS that I need nitrous any time I'm there. 
Today, when I went to get my cavity filled, the assistant acted all surprised when I asked her where my nitrous was.  "Oh.  I didn't realize you needed it every time.  We don't have a room available right now that has nitrous.  Do you want to reschedule?"
This is when I should have said, "Yes", but instead, thinking of the fact that I left work early for about the hundredth time this year and it's gotten kind of out of hand, I muttered, "No, that's okay"...
So I put on my dark glasses and my headphones and tried really hard to be cool and calm.  And then she started numbing me with Novocaine and it was so painful, and then she kept moving my head around, and there was vibration and water and pressure...
Until she suddenly stopped, took my glasses off and headphones off and said, "Michelle, when I ask you if you're okay, I really need to hear a true answer.  I shouldn't have to wait to see your cheeks wet and realize that you're crying before I realize something's wrong."
Yes, that was me in the dental chair, crying and shaking.  But they were very silent tears, I didn't think she'd notice with the dark glasses on. 
She went on to say that she didn't want me to leave thinking about what a horrible experience this had been...and I know I immediately assumed a guilty look on my face because that is EXACTLY what I had been thinking.
So, she handed me tissues, waited for me to stop crying, assured me that it was almost over.  I put my headphones back on and tried to lose myself in the music.  It was rough, but I managed to stay until it was all over. 
Now I have to go back next week to repair the cavity on the other side. 
I'm pretty sure that next week they will have a nitrous room waiting for me!

Sunday, August 8, 2004

Why should I compartmentalize?

I feel like it's been years since I've been able to write in this thing, of sound mind (I'm not really of sound body right now).
That elusive creature, sleep, finally caught up with me Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  That foggy, frantic feeling is gone, for now!
The late weekday nights, culminating in Thursday night's Metallica lovefest, extended into Friday as I had to get things ready for my daughter's volleyball yard sale fundraiser on Saturday.  Up again, at 4 a.m. the yard sale all day...sunburned face. 
Also, an injury - during cleanup time, one of the moms suggested that the last two tables on the far side of the parking lot could be retrieved and carried by three of us.
WRONG!  Three girls, carrying two tables at once?  WRONG! 
My back is killing me now.  pain pain pain.  But the good thing is, I've been so uncomfortable all I've done is lay down, and I've actually gotten lots of sleep as a result.  Which is why I'm up now, still very uncomfortable but AWAKE, it feels like for the first time in a long time.
I have located my position, now that I'm alert...I'm in a valley.  And I didn't make those phone calls this week.  I didn't pay the bills.  I didn't do any of the important things I was supposed to take care of.  Except that I did manage to go to work every day, get my daughter to volleyball practice, do the laundry and the dishes, and I bought my daughter's new clothes for school.  All with a dark cloud hanging over my head that I can't get rid of...I feel like Eeyore.
I'm going to take some more Advil now, and try to do some things.
For a good news update, my dear friends have pictures posted on their website of their beautiful baby, Mackenzie.  They need our thoughts and prayers as they prepare for their journey to China to bring Mackenzie home!

Friday, August 6, 2004

Metallica highs

The movie was wonderful!  And it kind of highlighted the feeling that I've always had, that Kirk Hammett is an angel of lightness and truth surrounded by two angry men!
But no, it's really more than that, definitely worth seemed kind of long, but I think that's because we were both conscious of the fact that we have to get up in a couple of hours to go to work!
Okay, it's 3:12 a.m. ... I have to get up at 6:58 a.m. ... Tomorrow I work ... then my daughter's softball game ... then get ready for her volleyball fundraiser yard sale Saturday ... have to be at the yard sale Saturday morning 6:30 a.m. ... When do I get to sleep?
Oh, right now, I guess!

Wednesday, August 4, 2004

Not quite yet

I was going to try to go to bed early tonight because I'd be out late tomorrow...didn't work...
I was at work yesterday, standing by the printer waiting for my stuff, when one of the managers came up and stood beside me, waiting for her stuff...I could feel her studying me.  You know how it is when you can feel people studying you?  Usually something bad comes after it.  I thought it might be about what I was wearing...I usually come right to the edge of 'business professional' dress with my black pants, black shirts, and black Skechers...
But instead, it was my hair.  She wanted to know if I was just never going to get it cut again. 
What?  All I could do was stare at her.  Then she asked me if I had ever had it short. What? (answer: yes).  And THEN she asked me if I was part of that religion where the women weren't allowed to cut their hair.  WHAT? (incidentally, answer: no).
It bothered me all night long.  I thought it was kind of...rude?  Wasn't that rude?  Why is she asking me judgmental questions about my hair, in such a manner as to make me feel VERY self-conscious about it?
But now that I've talked about it, I'm over it now.  I think. Hopefully.
Some wonderful news today:  Two dear friends of mine are adopting a beautiful baby girl from's been almost a year since they started the proceedings...and they FINALLY got their referral and a picture of their daughter today.  With that came the news that they will definitely be able to go to China and get her next month!  This was wonderful news for everybody, we've waited a long time and now she's almost here...
Life is good and it's REAL and I want to hold on to that...

Monday, August 2, 2004

Time to think...

Two entries in one night!  I'm feeling very prolific, and I also may even go to bed (relatively) early tonight...
I finished reading Let's Roll by Lisa was so good.  I didn't expect it to affect me so much.  I was determined to go to the Y tonight because I've been slacking, and I also couldn't put down this book.  Finally, I left my house, and drove all way to the Y, reading the book as I drove (which is a very dangerous thing, especially for me, and I'm very ashamed), and then sitting in the Y parking lot, reading it until it was finished.
It was a book that really made me think, and it was fortuitous that I followed it up with 75 minutes of working out, where all you have to do is think!
It made me think, and it made me ask myself questions, and it reminded me of how extraordinary ordinary people can be.

Happy days are here again...

When my daughter was born, I put aside most of the music I liked to listen to...I didn't particularly want my child growing up listening to it...I don't know if that was hypocritical of me?  I don't think so...there's a difference between forming your musical tastes in your teenage years, and being five years old and spouting off some bad words and phrases that you heard in your parent's music!
So my Metallica tapes got put up, for the most part.  I had to listen to them's hard to be covert with an active child around!
But even with the hypocrisy and the being quite old now (31) and the sporadic covert listening and with the differences in opinion on music downloads between Lars and me, I'm still the huge Metallica fan that I was back when we were young teens in scruffy jeans and black concert shirts and long curly hair, a fan even before they became huge, going on 20 years of adoration now...
So when this new documentary was released, I was so excited!  I don't care if I'm old!  I have to go see it!  I scoured my newspaper's movie listings and it wasn't in there.  I went online to look for it and it wasn't in there.  I tracked it for 200 miles either way and still, no movie.  Finally I realized it was only playing in Los Angeles and New York.  For at least three or four weeks I've been monitoring its progress toward the middle...
So today, I got in the car and drove to work, changing the station from the Christian station my daughter listens to exclusively (yes, our roles are reversed in this case, my 12-year old always lectures me on the evils of rock and roll) and scanning for a good song, any good song...stopped it on a Metallica song...went in to work...left a little after noon to go to the bank, back in the car...and I heard this DJ say, 15th caller gets free passes to see Metallica: Some Kind of Monster at the Louisville premier, midnight Thursday...
I stopped the car in the middle of the bank parking lot.  The movie's coming!  It's finally coming!  Then for some reason I grabbed my cell phone, called the station, was the 15th caller, and now I have to go see it at midnight, which really wasn't my first choice, and my boyfriend is especially mad atme because he's MUCH older than me (36) and is already complaining about how much his old body is going to feel the sleep he's going to miss out on because he HAS to go with me.
But of course I'm's like fate or something.  Even though I'm sure I'll be the oldest person there.  (after my boyfriend, of course!)
(p.s.  There's nothing wrong with the Christian station!  I love the Christian station!  But I am well-rounded and listen to other things too.  I'm enjoying my daughter's exclusivity while I can, I wonder how much longer it will last...the upcoming years are so scary to think about!)

Sunday, August 1, 2004

Sometimes, I wanna be Forrest Gump...

One a.m., again -
Maybe it's not ONLY the laundry.
We took my daughter to see 'A Cinderella Story' this weekend.  It was great!  But soon she'll be too old and won't want to see these innocently romantic and slightly cheesy pre-teen movies anymore, and I'll have to wait until they come out on video to see them. :(
My city is hopefully overcoming a shameful weekend to go on to better things...we hosted a boxing tournament Friday night starring a certain convicted rapist.  Why in the world did my wonderful city want to do this?  I can't understand it...  Hopefully we'll go on from it and continue to become renowned as a city of the arts, and as the hometown of "The Greatest" and most wonderful Muhammed Ali, and that other boxer will be forgotten...
I need to make some phone calls this week to some doctors, I'm working up to it...
Sometimes, lately, I just have this urge to put on my running shoes and run out the door, and, like Forrest Gump, just keep on runnin'.  Wouldn't it be great to be able to do that?