Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in


Chelsea helped me with my room yesterday. We're packing this week, among other things.

When I learned of my grandmother's cancer, back in 2009, that's kind of when things went south for me, and my room reflected that. 

We got through piles of books, DVDs, CDs, papers...the stuff on the bottom was stuff that I'd last seen 5 years ago. It was kind of like an archaeological study on depression symptom #2: not having the energy or the interest to take care of things.

I'm much better now. In the past year, especially, I've come a long way from the dark place that landed me in the hospital back then. I think I've finally hit the right combination of medicine, I have figured out coping mechanisms, I know my triggers...

But this month, I'm desperately wishing to be anywhere else. Isn't that awful? I want to drown my sorrows in something...check myself in the hospital...just lay under my covers and hide forever!

But I can't, because I'm stronger now. My brother has cancer and the pill he takes makes him sick and my grandfather had brain surgery again and he's in the hospital and I have to divide my time between packing up my life to move this week and visiting my grandpa in the hospital.

My grandfather also has cancer again, and this time they can't do anything with it. They're giving him six months to a year.

My mom and my aunt, wimps that they are, sent my brother to tell me the news. He was very no nonsense about it, much like he was when he told me that he himself had cancer.

I just want to cry.

Well okay, I have. But only in my room, late at night. 

I just can't even express how much I hate cancer.

29 comments:

  1. Wow, cancer just doesn't want to leave you the hell alone. Sucks a ton indeed. But stay out of those hospital beds, they are germy lol

    Not sure if you've heard of it or not but found GcMAF among my travels, supposed to kill cancer and is waay cheaper than hospital crap, never tried it so can't say for sure it works, just throwing it out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never heard of it, but I'm looking it up now, thank you!
      I know, they have those antibacterial things on the hospital walls everywhere, I don't even want to think about all the germs there...

      Delete
  2. Please take care of your families and yourself too. Sometimes, small things become unimaginably worse when we overlook during the tensed circumstances.
    May the God bless you and let all your sorrows get erased, happiness to fill in and your life revived with peace. Don't give up too easily because people don't believe. Take trust in God. Be strong. My prayers, Dumcho Wangdi
    Bhutan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for your kind words and prayers, I appreciate it so much. I'm trying to relax and find peace...maybe soon. :)

      Delete
  3. Cancer it terrible terrible terrible. The worst thing in the history of the world. It has taken many members of my family. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keith, thank you so much.
      I agree, it's the worst thing that ever existed.

      Delete
  4. God bless you :)
    This blogger community is there with you and sharing is caring !

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cancer sucks, no doubt about it. But it also forces us to focus on what's really important to us. Sometimes pain is a reminder of the good in our life as much as the bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right, Tony. It's a measure of how much our family loves each other, and we're very lucky to have that.

      Delete
  6. Moving will be a good thing for you when it's all done, Mitch. You'll see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so counting on that, Suze, I really am. I hope I don't get disappointed, but I'm just dreaming of my new start with nice hardwood floors and not being confined to my room while a stranger inhabits my living room. If I can just get through this week I feel like it'll be so much better. :)

      Delete
  7. I'm sorry, Michelle. I don't know what else to say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susie, you are the awesomest and I thank you so much for always being here for me! :)

      Delete
    2. After reading your comments, I did think of something to say. When I first found your blog, you were worn down. This season (CC's word) would have been impossible to deal with. You've come so far and you are coping. Just think of that. Healing thoughts for the family.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Susie! I feel like I really have come far but it's so nice to hear it from another perspective. I appreciate you so much.

      Delete
  8. One day at a time. We go through seasons that tear us down only so we can be built back up. It's not until we're challenged beyond our own strength that we find unknown reserves just waiting for us.

    My heart is broken for you, Michelle. Hang in there. It will get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess I'm going thru one of those seasons! The hits keep coming and I really am surprised I'm still standing, I figure it must be the medicine...my psychiatrist has been working on me for a couple of years to get it straightened out so that I can get out of bed most days.
      Thanks so much Crystal, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement.

      Delete
  9. Half century ago I read Hamlet --during a rough spot-- and remember this:"When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions." Figured if Shakespeare remarked on it I shouldn't feel alone. I was 14 and he was 400 years old, still felt better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shakespeare is an expert on humanity, right?
      As many times as I've come across Hamlet, that verse never jumped out at me. Thank you so much for pointing it out, it makes me feel better too.

      Delete
  10. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a very brave person pushing through your hard times and understanding how to deal with it. I hope your story will inspire others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :), if any good were to come out of all this that would be the thing I want, to...to be able to help someone else. Thank you so much.

      Delete
  11. Oh, honey. You have so much going on right now, so many things that will test you and change how you see the world.

    Stay strong -- and be weak when you need to.

    A virtual hug from Minneapolis,

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pearl, thank you so much! For the advice, the visit, and the hug - i really needed it. :)

      Delete
  12. Hugs. I have no other words...hold on.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry to hear all you're going through. Sounds like it has been a difficult time filled with sickness and trials. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing for better times for you in the future. Please don't let these trials get you down. Hopefully this "season" won't last too much longer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for your kindness, I truly appreciate it... That's really the only thing that helps, is the thought that this can't last forever.

      Delete