Some week...

...and after lots of sleep and medicine I think I've nearly recovered from the flu or whatever it was that I had.  Please God!
I really can't believe it's been a week since I've posted anything...but then again maybe I can believe it, the past week seems to me a blur of going to work, collapsing in bed, going to doctor appointments and making phone calls...
Monday I took my daughter to the ENT and the prognosis is...well, not better...so she's scheduled for surgery on the 15th, to get the stuff off the eardrum, inspect the eardrum to make sure it's still intact from the 'ear patch' surgery she had a couple years ago, and the doctor will also take some cultures from the ear, hoping to find out why it's not healing.
Was it October, or November, when she first got sick? I never ever would have imagined it hanging on until March and resulting in surgery...I'm honestly scared.
Tuesday was the visit with my daughter's counselor...things going backward...we have to visit her pediatrician this week.  We also visited the eye doctor, updated her prescription, and got her two new pairs of glasses.  Stylish purple ones, of course!  And when she gets her braces, she has already picked out pink ones...can you picture it...purple glasses...pink braces....she is sooo twelve! LOL!
I also called the university Tuesday and withdrew from my class this semester.  My daughter is having way too many problems right now... I hated to do it, for all the work I've put into it so far and the money that it's going to cost me, but I only have one daughter, and she needs me more... I wish there was some way I could work only part time, but unfortunately that isn't possible.  So something had to give, and school was it!  Maybe next semester...
Friday D and I went to see an Easter pageant held at the huge church on the other side of town...There was probably about 12,000 people there!  I'd never been there (I'm a South End girl!)... The pageant was huge and awesome and inspiring and sad... everyone left a better person, which is a good thing because, logistically, 12,000 people trying to leave at one time was a nightmare, we sat in traffic a looooong time... but all the better, that was more time to sit and think about Love...
Saturday I got the letter from my daughter's school, letting me know the final totals, after all the fundraising, for the New York City trip, and that the amount is due March 2.  WHAT?  You mean, this Wednesday, March 2?!
Gee, thanks for giving me that long 4-day notice!  $1012.37 in four days, sure...
Today (Sunday) I had to go to the funeral home...My aunt's best friend died.  She was only 48.  My aunt is devastated...they were lifelong friends...I went to the funeral home and held my aunt and just said "I'm so sorry", and that was all it took for us to start crying...
So tonight, I'm going to wrap up this not-so-cheerful entry (sorry), finally, and go to bed...my daughter went to bed over two hours ago and she is still awake and moaning about not being able to sleep...the only way she's going to go to sleep, I think, is if I turn out all the lights so she knows that I'm asleep...
Is there anything...simple...about anything?
Well, today, I noticed something funny about my pear trees.  I went and inspected them and...yes...they have little fuzzy things growing out of them!  My pear trees think Spring is on the way!
Please, Spring, come fast, and bring Summer with you...

If only it wasn't so hard to breathe...

...then I could be asleep right now...
But instead, I'm coughing and coughing...and when I'm not coughing, I'm struggling to breathe...it feels like someone is sitting on my chest...
I'm sure that antibiotic will be kicking in any day now...

This is one of my favorite pictures, I always look at it and imagine myself coming across this scene sometime when I'm out hiking.
Except tonight I look at it, picture myself out hiking, and can't even imagine being able to breathe that much!
I love oxygen!  Wish I had some!  :(
On a better note, my daughter and I were watching 'The Secret Garden' tonight, and the phone rang twice during the movie (both times for her, of course)...and both times, she said to her friends on the phone, "I'm watching 'The Secret Garden' with my mom, I'll call you back after the movie."
I still rate!  Yay!  It made me feel so good...

just limping along...

I'm sick again...how can I be sick again?
It's a bit worse this time than it was a couple of weeks ago...this time it's down in my lungs also, and I'm having some trouble breathing, so the doctor put me on an antibiotic.
I hate being sick!  I can't even enjoy being off work...
But I did notice that when you're sick, you can walk around wrapped in a blanket and carrying a box of tissues, and no one thinks anything of it...you can also take naps in the middle of the day and people usually won't bother you.  That's nice.
My mom has told me three times this week that the reason why I'm sick again is because I don't get enough sleep. 
My grandma has told me five times this week that the reason why I'm sick again is because of mold.
My daughter has kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I needed anything.  That's why she's the favorite.

As you wish...

I might be a little too tired and sickly to make a coherent entry tonight...I guess we'll see!
(although I don't think it's going to work because my eyes keep drifting shut as I write this...)
I took my daughter to the first consultation visit with the orthodontist today.  The visit started out great and ended up with me having a splitting headache...oh my GOSH it's going to be expensive to put her in braces!  My insurance only pays half...I used to think I had good insurance, but lately, with all the doctor bills I've been getting, I know the truth!
She still has a yucky oozy gross ear infection, of course...the orthodontist was really interested in that, as chronic ear problems can affect orthodontry for some reason...when I explained she's had this infection since November I just got a blank stare. 
(sigh)
Monday will be third visit to her new ENT, I'm going to be more assertive when we see her this time...being assertive isn't my strong point, usually I'm kind of vague, but I think I'm going to have to tell the ENT that I don't want to do anymore 'try this' and 'try that'...she's an ENT, for goodness' sake, there must be a way she can fix this!
Well, now my adrenaline's pumping, that woke me up a little bit! LOL
Valentine's Day was great...among other things, D bought me a copy of 'The Princess Bride' (one of the best movies ever!) on DVD...I guess it's finally time to get rid of my old VHS tape of it (in the original box, no less)! I'll be sad to see it go...but my new DVD has EXTRAS!
I like DVD extras.  A lot. :)
Okay, I'm back to shutting one eye and then the other, and swaying back and forth to stay awake, I definitely think it's time to go to bed!
Good night...
p.s. My mom still hasn't gotten rid of that kidney stone and is having a bad week...she's insisted on going to work and because of that, she can't take any pain medicine until she gets home in the evening.  Stubborn!  Let's just hope and pray she gets rid of it soon, it has to be any day now, right?!

Sunday again...

I had to take my mom to the E/R Friday night, as she started having terrible pain and pressure...she knew right away it was a kidney stone, since she's had one before.  It took the doctors and nurses several more hours and labs and scans and tests before they also came to that conclusion and finally injected her with some awesome pain medicine, gave her a prescription for more, and sent us on our way...
I've been watching lots of ER lately on TNT and so I half expected some beautiful doctors and nurses to be taking care of us, but no...they were just regular people.  How disappointing!  LOL! 
My daughter was a big hit, she had taken her drawing pad and pen to work on her comic books (that's her current project, she's back making comic books)...all the doctors and nurses and patients had to stop by and take a look and praise her work...
Mom's okay, although she's still very uncomfortable...she's drinking lots of of water and taking lots of pain pills. Hopefully she'll pass it this weekend. I hope hope hope...
D and I went and saw 'Sideways' tonight...it was so good!  Except that I left the movie theater with such an urge to go and buy an expensive bottle of wine, so that I could have some idea of what they were talking about in the movie (I know nothing about wine...first of all, I'm from Kentucky, we're famous for Bourbon and Whiskey, we don't do wine!...and secondly, I don't drink anyway...).  But other than feeling a little out of the loop on the wine thing (well, actually, I guess you could say I'm out of the loop on the whole alcohol thing!), it was such a good movie...all about love.
I'm definitely a romantic...if there's any kind of love in a movie, that's what I pick up on and think about. I guess you could say I LOVE love!

Midnight...rambling...

I finally hooked up my new scanner/printer/copier...
The first thing I wanted to do was find something to scan in, because it's been such a long time since I've been able to do that...and then I got caught up looking at pictures for an hour!
Here's the picture that I finally decided would get the honors and be the first one in:

This is my daughter and me at Cumberland Falls, Kentucky, about eight or nine years ago.  Do you see how close we are to the falls!!!  I can't believe I did that...there is a viewing area much further back, but my grandmother had talked me into going under the ropes and hurrying out there on the limestone shelf so she could get a picture of us before one of the park rangers saw us.
Obviously, I can't ever let my daughter see this picture, I don't want her to get any ideas.  I also obviously can't let her hang out with my grandmother too much...LOL!
I go to Cumberland Falls at least once every year...because:
1) It's one of the only few places in the world where you can see a moonbow...it's quite something to go to the park during the full moon, and stand with a crowd of people in the middle of the night, waiting for the moon to rise above the trees so that you can see colors arise out of the mist at the base of the falls...

2) It's a great place to go whitewater rafting...you start your trip at the base of the falls and travel down the Cumberland River...and it's family-friendly (meaning NOT HARD)...
and
3) Because I love it!  The falls and the hiking trails and the river, it's one of my favorite places in the world.
(This is me talking...my daughter also loves it...D, on the other hand, is a person of this variety..."WHY do we have to go there again? What else is there to see that you haven't seen a hundred times before?"...But he loves me, so he always goes along and doesn't complain TOO much! LOL)

One last thing...Don't burst my bubble, please!...

My daughter just came in and commiserated..."Tomorrow it won't be your birthday...poor Mommy... ."
And then she left the room again.
LOL! 

Will my journal's alerts ever work again? I think not...

…But that’s okay! Once, a long time ago (last year), there was life for me before I knew about alerts…I can do it again…I can! J
Happy Birthday, me…
I’m still feeling very loved and blessed today…even though my family celebrated my birthday with a party on Saturday (see previous), today I still got phone calls and emails from my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, my friends…
Today my co-workers threw me a party, brought me a cake…my boss bought me flowers…
My mom, my aunt, and my daughter took me out to dinner today…my dad is coming into town and will take me out tomorrow…and D and I will be going out for my birthday this coming up Saturday night…I think I’ve stretched my birthday to last for about a week, this way! LOL
I know there will be times in the future when I’ll feel unlucky and unloved…but in reality, what I have is rare and wonderful, and I know it.
EAR UPDATE: I took my daughter to the ENT again today…it’s not better, of course…but it is less swollen than it was…the doctor vacuumed out her ear again (OH MY GOSH, YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE!)…She will be on antibiotic eardrops now for two more weeks (I have heard this entire script before, but it SOUNDS better, somehow, coming from the ENT)…and when we go back in two weeks, they will most likely have to put her to sleep under anesthesia so they can get a look at her eardrum, her ear is still in such bad shape, they can’t get a good look at it. (sigh)
My birthday gift to myself? I’m taking the day off tomorrow. I don’t know why I didn’t take my actual birthday off today…I think it’s because I knew my co-workers were already planning a party for me and I didn’t want to disappoint them…
My big plans for my day off tomorrow, before I pick up my daughter from school and we go out to eat with my dad?
SLEEP! I am going to get up, take my daughter to school, come back home, turn on TNT, and nap all day to the soothing sounds of Angel, Charmed, ER, and Judging Amy, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it…sleep sleep sleep, here I come!
One last thing…
I think that I’m so tired today, the enormity of being 32 for the first time hasn’t hit me yet…how can I be 32? It seems like just yesterday that I was 31…
I’m feeling loved and blessed and tired and overwhelmed…I’m feeling like there’s something I’m supposed to do now that I’m 32, that’s my special responsibility…maybe we’re back to LIVING!

No matter, alerts of this aren`t working anyway...

Before I left for Germany, when I was ten years old, my family had an early birthday party for my brother and me…who knew when we would be home again? My grandmother decorated a huge cake, with one side of it with Smurfs (for me J ), and the other side of it with a UK wildcat (for my brother)…

We got lots and lots of presents that day. One of my presents was a tape recorder…one of those huge black and silver things… On that day, with my family all together for the last time in what would be years, I made all of them speak into the recorder and record a special message for me.

I took that tape with their special message with me to Germany, where I kept it for all three years I was there, and whenever I was desperately homesick for my family I would play it…

The message was simple: It was my mom, my brother, my grandma, my grandpa, my aunt, my great-aunt…everybody recorded the same thing… 

"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"

I no longer have the tape, but I can still hear it, in my head…

Today, my family had an early birthday party for me (my birthday is actually Monday)…They called me into the kitchen, and I walked in to the crowd of people, my mom, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew, my daughter, my aunts, my boyfriend…

I knelt down to blow out the candles on my cake…

And I realized that all the people that had left me the messages on my tape so long ago were still right here…

I nearly cried as I realized how blessed I was, that over twenty years later, I’m still a member of this wonderful, sometimes maddening, always loving family,

And they were able to tell me again, today, that they loved me…

Instead of a wish for something I didn’t have, this year, before blowing out the candles, I just thanked God…for everything.

Some book...

There are 11 different reading books listed for my class this semester…and when I went to buy them, Gray’s was sold out of one of them.
"That’s okay", I thought, "I’ll try the U of L bookstore…"
Sure…
No bookstore in town had the book…I went online to order it, and Amazon.com said it would take five to six weeks to get, since it was OUT OF PRINT.
What?
Why did my teacher assign an out of print book for reading in this class?
(sigh)
I called every new and used bookstore in town, TWICE, and they didn’t have it. Either time that I called.
No one had ever even heard of the book.
Except the guy at Twice-Told Books in the Highlands…he said, "Oh, about the Wobblies?," and I excitedly said, "Yes!", and he said, "No, if I had that I would probably keep it."
Oh.
The public library didn’t have it.
The U of L library had two copies, one already checked out, one lost.
I was too embarrassed to contact my teacher about it, since I’m already on the high maintenance list, having emailed him twice so far this semester…
Then…
My supervisor overheard me telling Barnes & Noble that I would drive to the edge of the earth if I had to, if they could just tell me where I could get this book (I’m exaggerating slightly here), and told me to find out if the University of Kentucky library had it…if they did, she would tell her son who goes to school there to check it out for me if I was willing to drive down to Lexington to get it.
She was probably just joking, but I did it anyway.
And that’s how I ended up driving to Lexington and back last night after work just to pick up a book for school.
In the car, for four hours.
While it snowed, rained, and sleeted.
I can’t decide whether I should be frustrated at professors who assign out of print books for class and bookstores who don’t/can’t buy enough of those books to supply the students…
or if I should be delighted at the kindness of regular people, like my supervisor’s son, who doesn’t know me and still checked out a book on his card for some flaky girl, and my sister-in-law, who, instead of me driving alone in the dark and not knowing where I was going, agreed to go along for the ride…
We had a pretty good time.
When I got the book in my hands, it was like the skies opened up and the angels were singing…
Usually when I go to Lexington, it’s only to go to Rupp Arena … this time, we went via Versailles Road … and, I’ve heard of this, and seen pictures of it, but it was still disconcerting, when…
We drove by a castle.
We finally got home about 11 p.m.
I fell asleep reading the book. I think I made it to page 2. That’s not the book’s fault, though, because the book is really great, I know now why he assigned it.

Rebel Voices: An IWW Anthology by Joyce Kornbluh

Living today...

Do you ever let a day go by and realize that it held no meaning? What did I do today? I don’t know…
My daughter was sick again this morning and couldn’t go to school, so my aunt came over and stayed with her and I went in to work late. What did I do? I tried to make sense of work…I haven’t worked a full day in so long, there’s piles and piles of paperwork and emails and voicemails and faxes to work on…but that’s okay, I love a challenge…
One of my co-workers asked me for help on a problem and then broke down and cried at her desk…I hugged her, commiserated, and offered her a game plan…
I went on break early so that I could go to the bank, and to the radio station to pick up my free movie tickets, and to get some gas, and while I was out I got something to eat, and I read some of my book…
I reluctantly went back in to work, called my daughter’s doctor, emailed my professor and let him know I wouldn’t be at school tonight…and continued working…
At about four o’clock, I went into the bathroom at work and stood at the sink…with the worst headache in the world…and I looked absolutely haggard. I leaned on the sink and ran some cold water and held my hands underneath it, thinking for some reason that it would help…
It didn’t help my headache, but it did succeed in making a few of my co-workers think that I’m even more strange than they already thought…also, it made my hands nice and cold and tingly…
When I finally left work, it was dark, and cold, and beautiful, but I was unaffected…I came home…what did I do? Talked to my daughter…nagged her to do her homework (big argument there – I had her call and get her assignments so she wouldn’t be behind when she went back to school…) and straighten up the bathroom…tucked her in bed. Mainly, I just read and finished my book.
So…here I am, at the end of the day, and I didn’t really do anything. Nothing meaningful, nothing deep…no lasting conversations…nothing happened that really meant anything. I wasted a whole day.
I was so tired today, working on about three hours of sleep. Can I blame nothing-ness on being tired? There’s no excuse…
I have to try harder, to LIVE.