Thursday, December 13, 2012

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

At least I got 3 hours in...

Why why why does my kitty wake me up at 2:30 in the morning?
Am I being punished?

I'm bad, right?
:(I've been up for 3 hours and 20 minutes and I only have 25 minutes left to go back to sleep.  Arrrgggghhhh, BAD KITTY.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Baby, It's Cold Outside... I Wish...

I had a dream that Moma was still alive. I woke up and for a moment, I still believed it, and I was so relieved.  That meant that the last year had been a terrible nightmare.  Then I woke up, for real. 

I still have that same sort of vague, floaty mentality I've always had.  Will that ever change?  It's so much easier to float than it is to hurt.  When group therapy and the shrinks pinpointed me to a tee, it totally freaked me out.  How'd they do that?  How'd they know all that about me?

I wonder if anyone else gets tired of being who they are all the time... I wonder if anyone thinks I'm a big fake...or is that what everyone thinks?

Monday, February 20, 2012


I've taken the Ambien and am patiently waiting to fall asleep, fully expecting to not remember writing any of this in the morning. That stuff is scary.  And really scary when I take it with some Benadryl and a Vicodin.  But at least I don't wash it down with a whiskey...

Sleep eludes me anymore, without a pill.  Unless it's non-threatening catnaps, in the middle of the day.  Those are easy. The pressure of lying down to sleep 6-8 hours at night in the dark has gotten to be too much, without some help...

I'm not sure at what point I'm supposed to stand back up and do things on my own again.  The crazy place floated around the idea of a year...

It's been a short seven months and I miss Moma terribly.  I'll never get over the fact that she's not here anymore.  I was blessed with a very close relationship with the perfect grandma for the first 38 years of my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

100 words

I'm trying to get better.  I think I'm trying to get better. 
I don't know if I'm getting better.
I suspect I'm not getting better.
I want to be better.  I want to live.
I want to surprise people and defy expectations.  I want to feel.
I want to laugh and run and cry and breathe.
I want to shine on, and stay gold.
How do I get there?
How do I get better?
No hiding, no shame, no fear,
I guess.
I really don't know.
But I am trying.
I want to know.  I just need to try.