Big scary world...

What IS that feeling?  When nothing feels right, and may never feel right, and the only possible option is getting in bed and pulling the covers over your head and never coming out...
Why does it come so suddenly?  What triggers it?  What makes it go away, and when it goes away, where does it go? 
Everything's okay here, I'm just having one of those big scary world moments and I have to go to bed now.  Good night...

A certain slant of light...

"There's a certain Slant of light,
Winter Afternoons --
That oppresses, like the Heft
Of Cathedral Tunes --

Heavenly Hurt, it gives us --
We can find no scar,
But internal difference,
Where the Meanings, are --

None may teach it -- Any --
'Tis the Seal Despair --
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the Air --

When it comes, the Landscape listens --
Shadows -- hold their breath --
When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
On the look of Death --"
-Emily Dickinson
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Friday 2 a.m. resolution:
I will try very hard to take control of this thing.  This weekend.  I refuse to spend another week like this.
Going to sleep now....have to get up at 6 a.m.
Will also try to get my articulateness back.  If ever I was.

Why should I compartmentalize?

I feel like it's been years since I've been able to write in this thing, of sound mind (I'm not really of sound body right now).
That elusive creature, sleep, finally caught up with me Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  That foggy, frantic feeling is gone, for now!
The late weekday nights, culminating in Thursday night's Metallica lovefest, extended into Friday as I had to get things ready for my daughter's volleyball yard sale fundraiser on Saturday.  Up again, at 4 a.m. Saturday...at the yard sale all day...sunburned face. 
Also, an injury - during cleanup time, one of the moms suggested that the last two tables on the far side of the parking lot could be retrieved and carried by three of us.
WRONG!  Three girls, carrying two tables at once?  WRONG! 
My back is killing me now.  pain pain pain.  But the good thing is, I've been so uncomfortable all I've done is lay down, and I've actually gotten lots of sleep as a result.  Which is why I'm up now, still very uncomfortable but AWAKE, it feels like for the first time in a long time.
I have located my position, now that I'm alert...I'm in a valley.  And I didn't make those phone calls this week.  I didn't pay the bills.  I didn't do any of the important things I was supposed to take care of.  Except that I did manage to go to work every day, get my daughter to volleyball practice, do the laundry and the dishes, and I bought my daughter's new clothes for school.  All with a dark cloud hanging over my head that I can't get rid of...I feel like Eeyore.
I'm going to take some more Advil now, and try to do some things.
For a good news update, my dear friends have pictures posted on their website of their beautiful baby, Mackenzie.  They need our thoughts and prayers as they prepare for their journey to China to bring Mackenzie home!

Enough!

I miss my life.  Where did it go?
I miss my journal.  Does it miss me?
I've had a sudden influx of being frantically busy the last few days.  Why?  I can't pinpoint it.
And I'm trying to format a brochure to help out my mom (remember HeroQuest?), and I DESPERATELY need a drawing of a little astronaut.  I know exactly what I want, but I can't find it online.  At this rate, it would have been faster to create it myself.  I've been at it for hours. :(
I had another little car accident today.  My rating as the world's worst driver keeps going up and up.  I just get so discouraged, driving, because it's always close calls and people blowing their horns at me.  The man I hit today said, "You need to be more careful, young lady."  The problem is, I think I am careful.  Why can't I drive like a normal person? 
(I had taken my break at work to go across the street to the bank.  I was backing out of my parking space when a car just flew by behind me.  I heard something but I didn't even feel my car move, and I didn't realize we had collided until I finished pulling out and he was stopping at the end of the aisle.  He got out and looked at his car, so I got out and asked if I had hit him.  He said yes, but it was just scratched and he could rub it out.  Then he threw the disparaging comment at me and got in his car and drove away.)
I didn't even think to check my car until after I got back from the bank.  It's just scratched.  It now nicely matches the banged up front end from my wreck a few months ago.  This is a new car, mind you, even though it doesn't look like it.
Only a little over four years, and my daughter will be driving!  I'm thinking it will be like having my own personal chauffeur, we'd both be safer, probably, with her behind the wheel...
I hate that I'm moving at top speed and I don't have time to think or reflect.  I would slow down if only I knew what I'm doing wrong.  My relationships are suffering from it.  My daughter is suffering from it.  I can't get rid of this URGENT feeling inside me.
Enough!  Slow down!  Stop!

I think it's time for Prozac

I woke up late today, but not too late.  6 a.m.  But I still didn't get myself ready to go to work.  I did manage to get my daughter up and take her to school.  I came back home and still had time to get ready and make it to work on time.  

Instead, I just sat there.  Finally, I took my shower, came out, and sat on my bed some more.  9 a.m. Finally, the moment came when I was supposed to be at work.  I had to decide whether I was not going, or going in for just a half-day. 

Finally, I hit upon the third option, just be late.  That decided, I called my supervisor, let her know, finished getting ready, and went to work.  I got there at 10 a.m. 

Since January 1 of this year, I've missed five days of work, been late twice, and left early once. 
I went on some shopping sprees and have, literally, dozens of new books that I need to read.  (Some people go shopping for clothes.  I go shopping for books.)  Now I can't stand the sight of them lying around.  They remind me of everything I have to do and that I'm not doing, and also the exorbitant amount of money I spent.

I could go on but I'm now more depressed than I was when I started.  This didn't make me feel better like I thought it would.  I don't know what my problem is, I just know that I'm in a major funk.

I do find it interesting that I've missed lots of work, yet I haven't missed a class this semester, and I'm faithfully going to the gym three days a week.  Maybe not that interesting, after all.  It just means that I hate my job.  Also definitely trying to do too much, between my extracurricular activities, and ferrying my daughter around town to her extracurricular activities. 

I just want to sleep.  All the time.

Sleep...

I don't get enough sleep.  I have to be up at 6 a.m. every day and I don't ever get to bed before 1 or 2.  By Friday I'm always exhausted.  

But usually, even though I'm dead tired by this time of night, I force myself to stay awake, and awake, and awake, even though I wish I could sleep all the time.  

Why is that?  Am I afraid to go to sleep?  Am I afraid to go to bed alone?  Or is it that I know when I go to sleep that means I will soon wake up and have to face another day just like the one I had before?