Some week...

...and after lots of sleep and medicine I think I've nearly recovered from the flu or whatever it was that I had.  Please God!
I really can't believe it's been a week since I've posted anything...but then again maybe I can believe it, the past week seems to me a blur of going to work, collapsing in bed, going to doctor appointments and making phone calls...
Monday I took my daughter to the ENT and the prognosis is...well, not better...so she's scheduled for surgery on the 15th, to get the stuff off the eardrum, inspect the eardrum to make sure it's still intact from the 'ear patch' surgery she had a couple years ago, and the doctor will also take some cultures from the ear, hoping to find out why it's not healing.
Was it October, or November, when she first got sick? I never ever would have imagined it hanging on until March and resulting in surgery...I'm honestly scared.
Tuesday was the visit with my daughter's counselor...things going backward...we have to visit her pediatrician this week.  We also visited the eye doctor, updated her prescription, and got her two new pairs of glasses.  Stylish purple ones, of course!  And when she gets her braces, she has already picked out pink ones...can you picture it...purple glasses...pink braces....she is sooo twelve! LOL!
I also called the university Tuesday and withdrew from my class this semester.  My daughter is having way too many problems right now... I hated to do it, for all the work I've put into it so far and the money that it's going to cost me, but I only have one daughter, and she needs me more... I wish there was some way I could work only part time, but unfortunately that isn't possible.  So something had to give, and school was it!  Maybe next semester...
Friday D and I went to see an Easter pageant held at the huge church on the other side of town...There was probably about 12,000 people there!  I'd never been there (I'm a South End girl!)... The pageant was huge and awesome and inspiring and sad... everyone left a better person, which is a good thing because, logistically, 12,000 people trying to leave at one time was a nightmare, we sat in traffic a looooong time... but all the better, that was more time to sit and think about Love...
Saturday I got the letter from my daughter's school, letting me know the final totals, after all the fundraising, for the New York City trip, and that the amount is due March 2.  WHAT?  You mean, this Wednesday, March 2?!
Gee, thanks for giving me that long 4-day notice!  $1012.37 in four days, sure...
Today (Sunday) I had to go to the funeral home...My aunt's best friend died.  She was only 48.  My aunt is devastated...they were lifelong friends...I went to the funeral home and held my aunt and just said "I'm so sorry", and that was all it took for us to start crying...
So tonight, I'm going to wrap up this not-so-cheerful entry (sorry), finally, and go to bed...my daughter went to bed over two hours ago and she is still awake and moaning about not being able to sleep...the only way she's going to go to sleep, I think, is if I turn out all the lights so she knows that I'm asleep...
Is there anything...simple...about anything?
Well, today, I noticed something funny about my pear trees.  I went and inspected them and...yes...they have little fuzzy things growing out of them!  My pear trees think Spring is on the way!
Please, Spring, come fast, and bring Summer with you...

If only it wasn't so hard to breathe...

...then I could be asleep right now...
But instead, I'm coughing and coughing...and when I'm not coughing, I'm struggling to breathe...it feels like someone is sitting on my chest...
I'm sure that antibiotic will be kicking in any day now...

This is one of my favorite pictures, I always look at it and imagine myself coming across this scene sometime when I'm out hiking.
Except tonight I look at it, picture myself out hiking, and can't even imagine being able to breathe that much!
I love oxygen!  Wish I had some!  :(
On a better note, my daughter and I were watching 'The Secret Garden' tonight, and the phone rang twice during the movie (both times for her, of course)...and both times, she said to her friends on the phone, "I'm watching 'The Secret Garden' with my mom, I'll call you back after the movie."
I still rate!  Yay!  It made me feel so good...

just limping along...

I'm sick again...how can I be sick again?
It's a bit worse this time than it was a couple of weeks ago...this time it's down in my lungs also, and I'm having some trouble breathing, so the doctor put me on an antibiotic.
I hate being sick!  I can't even enjoy being off work...
But I did notice that when you're sick, you can walk around wrapped in a blanket and carrying a box of tissues, and no one thinks anything of it...you can also take naps in the middle of the day and people usually won't bother you.  That's nice.
My mom has told me three times this week that the reason why I'm sick again is because I don't get enough sleep. 
My grandma has told me five times this week that the reason why I'm sick again is because of mold.
My daughter has kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I needed anything.  That's why she's the favorite.

As you wish...

I might be a little too tired and sickly to make a coherent entry tonight...I guess we'll see!
(although I don't think it's going to work because my eyes keep drifting shut as I write this...)
I took my daughter to the first consultation visit with the orthodontist today.  The visit started out great and ended up with me having a splitting headache...oh my GOSH it's going to be expensive to put her in braces!  My insurance only pays half...I used to think I had good insurance, but lately, with all the doctor bills I've been getting, I know the truth!
She still has a yucky oozy gross ear infection, of course...the orthodontist was really interested in that, as chronic ear problems can affect orthodontry for some reason...when I explained she's had this infection since November I just got a blank stare. 
(sigh)
Monday will be third visit to her new ENT, I'm going to be more assertive when we see her this time...being assertive isn't my strong point, usually I'm kind of vague, but I think I'm going to have to tell the ENT that I don't want to do anymore 'try this' and 'try that'...she's an ENT, for goodness' sake, there must be a way she can fix this!
Well, now my adrenaline's pumping, that woke me up a little bit! LOL
Valentine's Day was great...among other things, D bought me a copy of 'The Princess Bride' (one of the best movies ever!) on DVD...I guess it's finally time to get rid of my old VHS tape of it (in the original box, no less)! I'll be sad to see it go...but my new DVD has EXTRAS!
I like DVD extras.  A lot. :)
Okay, I'm back to shutting one eye and then the other, and swaying back and forth to stay awake, I definitely think it's time to go to bed!
Good night...
p.s. My mom still hasn't gotten rid of that kidney stone and is having a bad week...she's insisted on going to work and because of that, she can't take any pain medicine until she gets home in the evening.  Stubborn!  Let's just hope and pray she gets rid of it soon, it has to be any day now, right?!

Sunday again...

I had to take my mom to the E/R Friday night, as she started having terrible pain and pressure...she knew right away it was a kidney stone, since she's had one before.  It took the doctors and nurses several more hours and labs and scans and tests before they also came to that conclusion and finally injected her with some awesome pain medicine, gave her a prescription for more, and sent us on our way...
I've been watching lots of ER lately on TNT and so I half expected some beautiful doctors and nurses to be taking care of us, but no...they were just regular people.  How disappointing!  LOL! 
My daughter was a big hit, she had taken her drawing pad and pen to work on her comic books (that's her current project, she's back making comic books)...all the doctors and nurses and patients had to stop by and take a look and praise her work...
Mom's okay, although she's still very uncomfortable...she's drinking lots of of water and taking lots of pain pills. Hopefully she'll pass it this weekend. I hope hope hope...
D and I went and saw 'Sideways' tonight...it was so good!  Except that I left the movie theater with such an urge to go and buy an expensive bottle of wine, so that I could have some idea of what they were talking about in the movie (I know nothing about wine...first of all, I'm from Kentucky, we're famous for Bourbon and Whiskey, we don't do wine!...and secondly, I don't drink anyway...).  But other than feeling a little out of the loop on the wine thing (well, actually, I guess you could say I'm out of the loop on the whole alcohol thing!), it was such a good movie...all about love.
I'm definitely a romantic...if there's any kind of love in a movie, that's what I pick up on and think about. I guess you could say I LOVE love!

Midnight...rambling...

I finally hooked up my new scanner/printer/copier...
The first thing I wanted to do was find something to scan in, because it's been such a long time since I've been able to do that...and then I got caught up looking at pictures for an hour!
Here's the picture that I finally decided would get the honors and be the first one in:

This is my daughter and me at Cumberland Falls, Kentucky, about eight or nine years ago.  Do you see how close we are to the falls!!!  I can't believe I did that...there is a viewing area much further back, but my grandmother had talked me into going under the ropes and hurrying out there on the limestone shelf so she could get a picture of us before one of the park rangers saw us.
Obviously, I can't ever let my daughter see this picture, I don't want her to get any ideas.  I also obviously can't let her hang out with my grandmother too much...LOL!
I go to Cumberland Falls at least once every year...because:
1) It's one of the only few places in the world where you can see a moonbow...it's quite something to go to the park during the full moon, and stand with a crowd of people in the middle of the night, waiting for the moon to rise above the trees so that you can see colors arise out of the mist at the base of the falls...

2) It's a great place to go whitewater rafting...you start your trip at the base of the falls and travel down the Cumberland River...and it's family-friendly (meaning NOT HARD)...
and
3) Because I love it!  The falls and the hiking trails and the river, it's one of my favorite places in the world.
(This is me talking...my daughter also loves it...D, on the other hand, is a person of this variety..."WHY do we have to go there again? What else is there to see that you haven't seen a hundred times before?"...But he loves me, so he always goes along and doesn't complain TOO much! LOL)

One last thing...Don't burst my bubble, please!...

My daughter just came in and commiserated..."Tomorrow it won't be your birthday...poor Mommy... ."
And then she left the room again.
LOL! 

Will my journal's alerts ever work again? I think not...

…But that’s okay! Once, a long time ago (last year), there was life for me before I knew about alerts…I can do it again…I can! J
Happy Birthday, me…
I’m still feeling very loved and blessed today…even though my family celebrated my birthday with a party on Saturday (see previous), today I still got phone calls and emails from my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, my friends…
Today my co-workers threw me a party, brought me a cake…my boss bought me flowers…
My mom, my aunt, and my daughter took me out to dinner today…my dad is coming into town and will take me out tomorrow…and D and I will be going out for my birthday this coming up Saturday night…I think I’ve stretched my birthday to last for about a week, this way! LOL
I know there will be times in the future when I’ll feel unlucky and unloved…but in reality, what I have is rare and wonderful, and I know it.
EAR UPDATE: I took my daughter to the ENT again today…it’s not better, of course…but it is less swollen than it was…the doctor vacuumed out her ear again (OH MY GOSH, YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE!)…She will be on antibiotic eardrops now for two more weeks (I have heard this entire script before, but it SOUNDS better, somehow, coming from the ENT)…and when we go back in two weeks, they will most likely have to put her to sleep under anesthesia so they can get a look at her eardrum, her ear is still in such bad shape, they can’t get a good look at it. (sigh)
My birthday gift to myself? I’m taking the day off tomorrow. I don’t know why I didn’t take my actual birthday off today…I think it’s because I knew my co-workers were already planning a party for me and I didn’t want to disappoint them…
My big plans for my day off tomorrow, before I pick up my daughter from school and we go out to eat with my dad?
SLEEP! I am going to get up, take my daughter to school, come back home, turn on TNT, and nap all day to the soothing sounds of Angel, Charmed, ER, and Judging Amy, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it…sleep sleep sleep, here I come!
One last thing…
I think that I’m so tired today, the enormity of being 32 for the first time hasn’t hit me yet…how can I be 32? It seems like just yesterday that I was 31…
I’m feeling loved and blessed and tired and overwhelmed…I’m feeling like there’s something I’m supposed to do now that I’m 32, that’s my special responsibility…maybe we’re back to LIVING!

No matter, alerts of this aren`t working anyway...

Before I left for Germany, when I was ten years old, my family had an early birthday party for my brother and me…who knew when we would be home again? My grandmother decorated a huge cake, with one side of it with Smurfs (for me J ), and the other side of it with a UK wildcat (for my brother)…

We got lots and lots of presents that day. One of my presents was a tape recorder…one of those huge black and silver things… On that day, with my family all together for the last time in what would be years, I made all of them speak into the recorder and record a special message for me.

I took that tape with their special message with me to Germany, where I kept it for all three years I was there, and whenever I was desperately homesick for my family I would play it…

The message was simple: It was my mom, my brother, my grandma, my grandpa, my aunt, my great-aunt…everybody recorded the same thing… 

"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"

I no longer have the tape, but I can still hear it, in my head…

Today, my family had an early birthday party for me (my birthday is actually Monday)…They called me into the kitchen, and I walked in to the crowd of people, my mom, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew, my daughter, my aunts, my boyfriend…

I knelt down to blow out the candles on my cake…

And I realized that all the people that had left me the messages on my tape so long ago were still right here…

I nearly cried as I realized how blessed I was, that over twenty years later, I’m still a member of this wonderful, sometimes maddening, always loving family,

And they were able to tell me again, today, that they loved me…

Instead of a wish for something I didn’t have, this year, before blowing out the candles, I just thanked God…for everything.

Some book...

There are 11 different reading books listed for my class this semester…and when I went to buy them, Gray’s was sold out of one of them.
"That’s okay", I thought, "I’ll try the U of L bookstore…"
Sure…
No bookstore in town had the book…I went online to order it, and Amazon.com said it would take five to six weeks to get, since it was OUT OF PRINT.
What?
Why did my teacher assign an out of print book for reading in this class?
(sigh)
I called every new and used bookstore in town, TWICE, and they didn’t have it. Either time that I called.
No one had ever even heard of the book.
Except the guy at Twice-Told Books in the Highlands…he said, "Oh, about the Wobblies?," and I excitedly said, "Yes!", and he said, "No, if I had that I would probably keep it."
Oh.
The public library didn’t have it.
The U of L library had two copies, one already checked out, one lost.
I was too embarrassed to contact my teacher about it, since I’m already on the high maintenance list, having emailed him twice so far this semester…
Then…
My supervisor overheard me telling Barnes & Noble that I would drive to the edge of the earth if I had to, if they could just tell me where I could get this book (I’m exaggerating slightly here), and told me to find out if the University of Kentucky library had it…if they did, she would tell her son who goes to school there to check it out for me if I was willing to drive down to Lexington to get it.
She was probably just joking, but I did it anyway.
And that’s how I ended up driving to Lexington and back last night after work just to pick up a book for school.
In the car, for four hours.
While it snowed, rained, and sleeted.
I can’t decide whether I should be frustrated at professors who assign out of print books for class and bookstores who don’t/can’t buy enough of those books to supply the students…
or if I should be delighted at the kindness of regular people, like my supervisor’s son, who doesn’t know me and still checked out a book on his card for some flaky girl, and my sister-in-law, who, instead of me driving alone in the dark and not knowing where I was going, agreed to go along for the ride…
We had a pretty good time.
When I got the book in my hands, it was like the skies opened up and the angels were singing…
Usually when I go to Lexington, it’s only to go to Rupp Arena … this time, we went via Versailles Road … and, I’ve heard of this, and seen pictures of it, but it was still disconcerting, when…
We drove by a castle.
We finally got home about 11 p.m.
I fell asleep reading the book. I think I made it to page 2. That’s not the book’s fault, though, because the book is really great, I know now why he assigned it.

Rebel Voices: An IWW Anthology by Joyce Kornbluh

Living today...

Do you ever let a day go by and realize that it held no meaning? What did I do today? I don’t know…
My daughter was sick again this morning and couldn’t go to school, so my aunt came over and stayed with her and I went in to work late. What did I do? I tried to make sense of work…I haven’t worked a full day in so long, there’s piles and piles of paperwork and emails and voicemails and faxes to work on…but that’s okay, I love a challenge…
One of my co-workers asked me for help on a problem and then broke down and cried at her desk…I hugged her, commiserated, and offered her a game plan…
I went on break early so that I could go to the bank, and to the radio station to pick up my free movie tickets, and to get some gas, and while I was out I got something to eat, and I read some of my book…
I reluctantly went back in to work, called my daughter’s doctor, emailed my professor and let him know I wouldn’t be at school tonight…and continued working…
At about four o’clock, I went into the bathroom at work and stood at the sink…with the worst headache in the world…and I looked absolutely haggard. I leaned on the sink and ran some cold water and held my hands underneath it, thinking for some reason that it would help…
It didn’t help my headache, but it did succeed in making a few of my co-workers think that I’m even more strange than they already thought…also, it made my hands nice and cold and tingly…
When I finally left work, it was dark, and cold, and beautiful, but I was unaffected…I came home…what did I do? Talked to my daughter…nagged her to do her homework (big argument there – I had her call and get her assignments so she wouldn’t be behind when she went back to school…) and straighten up the bathroom…tucked her in bed. Mainly, I just read and finished my book.
So…here I am, at the end of the day, and I didn’t really do anything. Nothing meaningful, nothing deep…no lasting conversations…nothing happened that really meant anything. I wasted a whole day.
I was so tired today, working on about three hours of sleep. Can I blame nothing-ness on being tired? There’s no excuse…
I have to try harder, to LIVE.

Sunday Morning, Coming Down...

I'm working myself up to making a meaningful entry...I've been doing fluff for so long, I don't know if I can remember how to do anything else...but I'm working up to it.
It's unfortunate that the first time I've been clear-headed since Thursday has to be at 3:21 a.m. on a Sunday morning.  Well, I'm not really clear-headed, since I'm actually still kind of stopped up, but at least my nose isn't running and I'm not in a medicated fog (that Tylenol Nighttime Flu medicine packs quite a punch!).
I was still the walking dead Friday night...fell asleep on the couch...I had to wake up, give my daughter her medicine, tuck her in bed, fell back asleep, woke up Saturday morning with my daughter complaining she was sick...me thinking, "I know that, you've been sick for months"...and then she threw up in the bathroom..."Oh, that kind of sick."
So all day my poor baby ran a fever and had nausea...and then, about six p.m., it's like a switch turned off and she started feeling better. I don't know what it was, but thank goodness it's over.  
We went to my aunt's birthday party today at my grandma's house...which my daughter missed all of as she went upstairs to 'her' room as soon as we got there and slept the whole time.  It was a great party, for once...no family arguments, no one got mad at anyone else and left...no one made anyone else cry.  It was great!  Probably I enjoyed it so much because I wasn't actually there, I spent most of the time upstairs watching my daughter sleep, because the minute I tried to leave 'her' room she would wake up and say, "Mommy? Where are you?"  LOL It's like she knew I was trying to go and get some birthday cake!
My dad bought me a new scanner for Christmas, and I finally opened the box tonight...I think I might hook it up tomorrow. It's actually a scanner/printer/copier, so, last weekend, I set up my daughter's computer in her room, and hooked up my old printer in there.  I think I've mentioned before, she is ARTSY, you should see what she's creating in paint and printing out!  I tried to tell her, print cartridges are expensive...(sigh)...I guess I know who's going to buy the new cartridges...I'll tell my boyfriend to get right on that! LOL!
Friday night, I was sooo sick and miserable, and D came in and brought us supper, and he had bought me a bouquet of flowers...red roses and yellow and pink and purple flowers (I don't know what the other ones were)...but they were oh so pretty and so unexpected!
I couldn't even smell their pretty fragrance, because, you know, I couldn't breathe, but it was so sweet...
I'm going to try and go to sleep, now...
Good night.

Remembering...

Apollo 1

Challenger

Columbia

Day of Remembrance

Aches, pains...

...stuffy head, runny nose, headache, did I mention runny nose?
I'm miserable.  I'd cry but it would only make my nose run more.  I guess it's a sinus infection, as I've had this pressing pain behind my eye and buzzing in my ears for about a week...I knew this was coming.
:(
I have to go feel sorry for myself some more...

The story...

Yesterday was ENT day! My daughter wasn’t miraculously healed that day, unfortunately, but the doctor we saw was still wonderful and I left there feeling better about things. She put my daughter on a different medicine and we have to go back in two weeks. It sounds a lot like what we have been doing the last couple months! But this time, it’s not the same old doctor going, "I think this and I think that"…at least this doctor KNOWS what’s going on and what to do next. THANK GOODNESS!
I’ve seriously slacked in my journal lately, and so, I thought I’d write this:
This is what I do:

1. I’m a single mom, to a beautiful 12-year old daughter. I don’t usually talk much, unless someone asks about her, and then it’s like a fountain (you know, PLEASE shut me up!)…so that everyone who knows me knows everything about her…
2. I work full-time…Monday – Friday, 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. (or 9:15 to 5:45, really just when I happen to manage to make it in)…in the international brokerage accounting department of a really big package delivery service.
3. I’m a perpetual student…I’m taking one class this semester, ‘Radical Fiction’, with a bunch of really young, good-looking kids…I don’t know when I started getting older than my classmates...It’s a little depressing…
4. I’m an Awana leader Sunday nights…I love it…
5. Okay, now I’m bored, I was going to go on about the nights I work out at the Y, and being D’s girlfriend, and a ‘Cats fan, and a reader…I also apparently have a short attention span because I just can’t stick with this list anymore!

So, what to do, when you’re inspired to write an entry, and then get bored with it? It reminds me of when I saw Metallica in concert a few years ago…they started singing "Shortest Straw" and were at least a third of the way through the song when James Hetfield just stopped and said…"I’m bored."
Did I have a point? I think we’re back to that attention span thing again…
And so now, because I really miss writing here but I can’t get my mind to focus on a proper entry, here is the list of paperbacks I have in the little bookcase by my bed (how many bookshelves and bookcases do I have? I can’t count them all…this little one is the smallest and cutest…):
Okay, there a few videotapes in the shelf, too, because they are conveniently almost the same size as paperbacks, yay! We’ve got:

1. 11 recorded videotapes worth of ‘Angel’, season 5…(I’ve got to hang on to them until it comes out on DVD J …)
2. UK v. U of L December 2004 (college basketball for those not in the know…I record most games, and keep them forever and ever if they turn out as wonderful as this one did…)
3. Movies: For Love of the Game, Reality Bites, Dazed and Confused…

Books:
(Not all, but certainly a lot of my favorite books are on this bookshelf, which is why it’s close to my bed…)

• Ender’s Game
by Orson Scott Card (The BEST BOOK EVER always goes to the top of the list…)

Ender’s Shadow

by Orson Scott Card

Shadow of the Hegemon

by Orson Scott Card

Shadow Puppets

by Orson Scott Card

Speaker for the Dead

by Orson Scott Card

Xenocide

by Orson Scott Card

Children of the Mind

by Orson Scott Card

Seventh Son

, Red Prophet, Prentice Alvin, Alvin Journeyman, Heartfire, and Crystal City by Orson Scott Card

The Memory of Earth

, The Call of Earth, The Ships of Earth, Earthfall, and Earthborn, by Orson Scott Card

The Abyss

by Orson Scott Card

The Worthing Saga

by Orson Scott Card

Pastwatch: The Redemption of Chistopher Columbus

by Orson Scott Card (OKAY, the advertisement for OSC is over now, back to regularly scheduled programming…)

God Game

by Andrew M. Greeley

For the Roses

by Julie Garwood (I'm pretty sure this is the best historical romance novel I've ever read. And trust me, I've read...um...most of them!)

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

by Rebecca Wells

Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married

by Marian Keyes

Watermelon

, Rachel’s Holiday, and Angels by Marian Keyes

The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

, Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Silver Chair, The Horse and His Boy, The Magician’s Nephew, and The Last Battle by C. S. Lewis

Good Omens

by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

Neverwhere

by Neil Gaiman

Stardust

by Neil Gaiman (Okay, another commercial, this one for Neil Gaiman…all of his other books, as well as the Sandman graphic novels, are in hardback on another bookshelf…)

The Prophet

by Kahlil Gibran

Persuasion

by Jane Austen

The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht

Ultimate Pocket World Factfile

The Declaration of Independence

The Constitution of the United States of America

The Hobbit

, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and The Return of the King by J. R. R. Tolkien

Webster’s New World Dictionary

Cassell’s New Compact German Dictionary

Harper Collins Spanish Dictionary

The Natural Remedy Bible

by John Lust, N.D. and Michael Tierra, C.A., O.M.D.

Laura: The Life of Laura Ingalls Wilder

by Donald Zochert (Laura’s actual books are on a different bookshelf…but this is a great biography of her life from an outsider’s view. I’m going to write sometime of my visit in June 2000 to De Smet, SD, and Walnut Grove, MN, where she grew up…it was a dream come true for me!)

Leap of Faith: An Astronaut’s Journey Into the Unknown

by Gordon Cooper

Apollo 13

by Jim Lovell and Jeffrey Kluger

Genesis: The Story of Apollo 8

by Robert Zimmerman

The Steel Albatross

by Scott Carpenter

Jupiter

by Ben Bova

Moonwar

by Ben Bova

All Quiet on the Western Front

by Erich Maria Remarque

Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl

Earthlight

by Arthur C. Clarke

Dolphin Island

by Arthur C. Clarke

Our Town

by Thornton Wilder

The Outsiders

by S.E. Hinton
Okay!  Now that I've had my fun, I have to go put some eardrops in my daughter's ear now.  Story of my life...
Good night.

The time has come...

And I never thought I would say it, but…I need to get a second phone line. My daughter has morphed into a teenager-type person, seemingly overnight. She and her little giggly friends are on the phone with each other for HOURS and HOURS, talking about who-knows-what…
I can’t even get online until after she goes to bed, and my journaling has been severely affected by this!
I’m just so happy that she finally has a group of friends to talk to, that’s why I’m willing to just let her talk, it’s wonderful to see her so happy!
Oh, and the time has also come…
For the ENT appointment! Yay! Tomorrow, we FINALLY go to the new ENT and will find out (hopefully?!) exactly what is going on with her ear and what to do next… (The latest update: Last week, the doctor took her off the eardrops, thinking that maybe there was some kind of fungal thing causing it to not heal, as she had regressed and her ear was just as swollen and draining as it was a month ago…so he put her on an oral steroid and an oral anti-fungal medicine, she also is taking Tylenol with codeine at night for the pain.)
(sigh)
I had a little meltdown the other night, as I was tucking her into bed and thinking that her ear was never ever going to get better…I know that is not true, but in the middle of the night when you’re alone and stressed, your mind does bad things to you sometimes…my family was asleep and I desperately needed someone to talk to…and I remembered that I had the most wonderful friends online who are always there for me…Thank You to all my dear friends who think about and pray for us and send healing thoughts our way, and thank you especially, Julie, Angel, and Anna, you really, really helped me this week when I needed it, I love you all.

January 17...

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere…" – Martin Luther King, Jr.
When I was younger, I was convinced that he was one of the best men who ever lived...right up there with Jesus, and my grandpa. :)
Now that I'm older, I don't just believe it, I KNOW it.
Sometimes I try to figure out what things would be like today if he had never been...or if any other person has ever had such an impact on the course of a nation...but mostly, I'm just grateful...humbled...and always inspired.

Just taking up space...

I cleaned my desk off...(HUGE MOMENTOUS EVENT)...it looks really pretty...it's been a long time since I've seen the surface of it, you know? 
I actually did a sort-of overhaul to try to make room for more books in here...It didn't really work.  I have limited space (a VERY small house) so I'm constantly trying to weed out my books to make room for new ones.  The problem is, I usually don't buy a book unless it's something I plan on keeping, so, invariably, more comes in than goes out.
The class I'm taking this semester (Radical Fiction) is taught by the same guy I had last year...and the first two books he's having us read are the same ones he made us read last time: Jack London's The Iron Heel (great book, I kept this one) and Emma Goldman's Anarchism and Other Essays.  I'm not an Emma Goldman fan, so she was in the Salvation Army bag ready to go when I first went to the class this week...thank goodness they hadn't picked up yet, I saved $$$...the moral is you should keep ALL books and just rent a warehouse to keep the excess.  Wouldn't that be awesome?
Update on daughter's ear:  Went to the doctor this week and he took the wick out with a skinny tweezer type thing...my daughter was very VERY nervous and scared, and this nurse didn't help: "Why are you here today?", and then, "Oh my goodness, that is terrible, I've never heard of this happening!"  What kind of nurse says something alarming like this in front of a child?
Doctor said to keep giving her the antibiotic eardrops until they're gone, as ear is still not better...her ear has gotten more and more swollen every day this week...I'm going to stop now because it's depressing me even more to write about this...I've latched on to January 24th as THE DAY that all of our problems will be solved!
Here's my results to this quiz, I thought it was pretty funny and accurate:

What box do you get put in? brought to you by Quizilla

A week?

My phone line has been messed up for a couple of weeks now.
And it wouldn’t matter at all, at all, to those of us who hate talking on the phone…
Except that I still connect to AOL by modem…and it takes me at least five tries to get connected…and I haven’t been able to stay online long enough to get through my emails without getting kicked off…and I’ve pretty much given up visiting any journals until my phone line is fixed, because by the time I’ve pulled up a page, the line has kicked me off again.
I’m writing this offline and then I’m going to try to post it QUICK, just in and out!, so we’ll see if it works…
The phone company, whom we called way back before the new year (!) started, is supposed to come out tomorrow and fix it.
Today was first day of classes at U of L…and by some miracle, I managed to get my stuff together and make the right phone calls and get the right info and actually get registered, as opposed to last semester!
So, I took the day off from work to get all this stuff done. The last thing to do was my daughter’s doctor appointment at 4:00 p.m. The plan was to leave the doctor, go on down to U of L, and my mom would meet me down there so she could get my daughter, since my class started at 5:30 p.m. and I wouldn’t have time to take C anywhere else.
Except that my mom got caught in traffic and couldn’t meet me after all. I had to take my 12-year old with me on my first day of school.
LOL! You had to be there…I sat her down in the study area right outside my class, with a Happy Meal for supper, her GameBoy for entertainment, and my cell phone in case she got nervous.
On the walk back to the car after class was over, she had lots of questions about college and what kind of classes you could take. I told her that she could take whatever she wanted within the requirements of the major that she chose…she immediately said, "Well, MY major is going to be ART."
::groan::
Even though I cringed, I didn’t say a word about Art degrees and the possibilities for gainful employment…after all, who am I to talk, with the degree I already have in Philosophy (and no philosophical jobs to be found!)? J
All in all, though I was a little apprehensive about taking her with me, it turned out to be a fine evening!
P.s. Ear update: the ear wick worked great for a few days but then didn’t fall out, instead it slipped down inside her ear and now is blocking the medicine from going on. She’s back to itching and pain and yet another doctor appointment tomorrow. That ENT appointment on the 24th can’t come fast enough!
P.p.s My dad called me this evening…he has a house up in Southern Indiana on the White River where all the terrible flooding was…I felt really bad after I talked to him because I WONDERED why he hadn’t called me…turns out he had gone up there to check on the house then got trapped by the rising water all around the area and was stuck through the weekend until some people on a boat came and picked him up and took him to dry land. It’s a house on stilts (well, not really on stilts, but you know what I mean, built up real high) because it’s on the river, and the water STILL came up three feet into the first floor of the house. I’m so thankful he made it home okay!
Dad took this picture from the roof area of the house:

New year, same story...

Well, I had a whole entry written and then AOL kicked me off, so now I'm rewriting this and not in nearly as good a mood as I was in...I knew I should have written it offline and copied and pasted...

Here's the update on my daughter's ear...by Thursday night it was completely swollen again, so the eardrops wouldn't go in at all...I took her to the doctor Friday morning and he was very concerned, to say the least.  This is the first time we've seen her regular doctor in a while, because every time we went back the last few times we had to see the on-call doctors and he wasn't there...

Anyway, it was great to see him, it just made me feel better knowing how concerned he was about her.  He put a 'wick' in her ear...it looks exactly like what it sounds like, a candle wick...so that the eardrops can actually make it inside her ear by traveling through the wick...it's supposed to fall out within the week.  He also prescribed her new, different antibiotic eardrops.

(I've lost count of the total doctor visits and different prescriptions this has come to so far.  My insurance is good, but I still have to pay co-payments: $15 for each office visit, and $25 for each RX.  $$$!  But I would pay anything if she would only get better...)

He also wants her to see her ENT when this clears up, because this has dragged on so long, something definitely isn't right.  I was so happy to say, yay, I finally did something right, because I already scheduled the appointment with the ENT for January 24th.  SURELY this will be cleared up by then?!

I'm feeling very hopeful now, for the first time in a while, because her ear is much less swollen now than it was on Friday.  Also, the draining has stopped, thank goodness!  (Some draining is good...except her ear was draining going on three weeks without stopping...causing an oozing sore on the outside of her ear where it was draining...).  She's still having some itching but on the whole things are looking better...cautiously optimistic here...this newfangled wick thing seems to be working...

I'm going to close this with a quiz I found in Angel's journal...I love these wonderful quizzes, because 1) they can help you think about where you are and what you're doing with your life, and 2) well, no explanation needed, the best kind... :) :

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Michelle
2. Mommy
3. Hey! (That's my boyfriend's specialty LOL!)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
I can't answer this one, I've only had one screen name the whole time I've been on AOL...
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I like that I learned how to play piano.
2. I like that books are my friends.
3. I like that sometimes I'm a little funny.
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I hate that sometimes I let things slip away...there it goes...bye...
2. I hate that sometimes I have trouble getting started...getting moving...getting motivated...
3. I hate that I forget things...all the time...what? when?
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Scottish
2. Irish
3. Cherokee
(in other words: that of anyone with ancestors from the Appalachian mountains)
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
1. The stock market
2. Mechanics
3. Did I mention the stock market?
THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
1. Having to talk on the telephone when I'm at home.
2. People that come over, unannounced.3. People that say they're leaving and then stand at the door for another hour.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:1. Tornados
2. World War II / The Holocaust
3. Windows at night that don't have curtains

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:1. Diet Pepsi
2. Chocolate
3. A hug from my daughter

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:1. Gray sweat pants
2. Blue t-shirt
3. Hair clip
THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
1. Trivial Pursuit electronic game
2. My daughter's mood ring (she discovered tonight that it turned her finger green so she left it on MY desk. Then she debated wearing it on her thumb so she could have a 'GREEN thumb.' LOL! She cracks me up...)
3. Gus Grissom Memorial Brochure (in Spring Mill State Park, Mitchell, Indiana)
THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
1. Wow...
2. Cool...
3. Hmmm... (insert proper vagueness in there, so the person talking is never sure if I'm listening or if I'm in Michelle-fantasy-land...with my daughter, she never doubts that I'm listening, she's a narcissistic twelve-year old! With my boyfriend, he's pretty sure I'm NOT listening, even if Iam, so he'll repeat everything twice...)
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
1. The Beatles
2. U2
3. Metallica
(I know, I'm not exactly in the moment here...)
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
2. Out of this World - Bush
3. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers
 
THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:1. My daughter  
2. My boyfriend
3. My mom

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:1. They know me. I can relax.
2. I know them. They can relax.
3. We make each other laugh.
THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:1. Love
2. Trust
3. Respect

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:1. Humor
2. Honesty
3. Intelligence

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:1. Can't... figure out what I'm doing wrong here...2. Can't... seem to get this desk cleaned up once and for all...
3. Can't... get up in the morning for work if I don't go to bed soon...
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:1. Reading
2. Playing piano
3. Hmmm...what do I put for this third one...whitewater rafting?...memorizing things?...learning new languages?...(or rather, attempting to learn new languages)...or the really embarrassing one, going to the Y and working out?

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:1. Solutions and an end to the suffering over there.
2. My daughter's ear to be all better.
3. Sleep.
THREE CAREERS YOU'VE CONSIDERED:1. You name it...
2. I considered it...
3. That's why it took me nine years to graduate from college.
THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:1. The Arctic Circle
2. Scotland
3. Peru
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Maybe possibly get married. Maybe.
2. See my daughter grow up into a beautiful young woman.
3. I would really, really like to see a human land on Mars.

It's December 31st...

It’s just another day…but it doesn’t feel like that, does it? Going from December 31st to January 1st is a good thing…you have a whole new year to get it right…

2004 ... lessons learned
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Started an online journal. 
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never make any resolutions…I have no willpower. 
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No 
4. Did anyone close to you die? No 
5. What countries did you visit? None besides my own... 
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Some semblance of order in my life… 
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Dec.26…I still can’t believe the enormity of what happened… 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I made it through, still mostly sane… 
9. What was your biggest failure? I hate to lose. And if I do, I never talk about it. Next question, please… 
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No…my daughter did and still is suffering with her ear, I wish it was me instead of her… 
11. What was the best thing you bought? My DVDs…few, but so cool… 
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don’t know… 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I don’t know… 
14. Where did most of your money go? Practically? Bills… Frivolously? Books, as usual… 
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? It may be superficial, but every time I got an unexpected check in the mail, my daughter and I did the ‘happy money yay!’ dance… 
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? 2004? I’m still stuck in 1984 and have the playlist to prove it… 
17. Compared to this time last year, you are: One year older…stronger…sheesh, everything else is the same! 
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep 
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Waste time 
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Oops…I’m answering this after Christmas…I spent Christmas with my family, grandparents, aunts, cousins and all… 
21. How would you rather be spending Christmas? After experiencing Christmas with my family, grandparents , aunts, cousins and all…I’d rather be spending Christmas ALONE 
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? No, I’m already in love… 
23. How many one-night stands? None! 
24. What was your favorite TV program? I discovered Charmed this year! Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner!? 
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don’t hate anyone. 
26. What was the best book you read? I can’t pick just one… 
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Randy Travis! Wow! 
28. What did you want and get? Buffy Season 7 to complete my collection… 
29. What did you want and not get? Still frivolous…this question probably wasn’t meant to be about material things…but I so need a sustainer pedal for my keyboard…my family keeps dodging the hints… 
30. What was your favorite film of this year? I don’t know…I have to think about it… 
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I took the day off…can’t remember what I did, I think my mindset was, "I’m doing whatever I want because it’s my birthday"…but I’m sure I still had to get up early, take my daughter to school, pick her up from school, help her with her homework, do laundry…I was 31. 
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To have been able to hold my family and myself together a little better towards the end of the year… 
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? I have no fashion concept!
34. What kept you sane? Pills…LOL! 
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Locally, this stupid ‘Say Yes’ amendment (defining marriage between one man and one woman)…there were bumper stickers and signs in yards and it was without a doubt the most mean-spirited, terrible thing…I couldn’t believe it was even on the ballot, and then I really couldn’t believe that my state voted for it… 
37. Who did you miss? Mrs. Barbara, a wonderful person who’s in heaven now… 
38. Who was the best new person you met? I met many awesome new people this year! 
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Go to the doctor, they can help…children blossom under your attention…and…strength training not only makes you stronger and more toned, it makes you more coordinated so you don’t knock things over as much as you used to!

Last day...

It's my last day of work until 2005...yay!  I've been waiting for this day since...um...July, I think, when I used up the last of my vacation days...they start all over again in January.
How's this for a New Year Resolution?  I WILL NOT USE ALL MY DAYS TOO QUICKLY!
I have a real problem...it's called, if I have a day off available, I WILL USE IT! What else is it for!? LOL...
So, off to work I go...last night when I came home, I got stuck coming into my driveway...it's been above freezing and melting the foot of snow which isn't as good as it sounds, because now there's no traction, hence, my getting stuck...
I ended up parking half in my grandparent's driveway and half on the sidewalk, that's as far as I could go, so hopefully I won't get stuck trying to get out today...
HI HO!

Well, Hello...

Christmas Blessings 2004:
1. I am blessed by all my wonderful J-land friends, who prayed for and sent healing thoughts for and asked about my daughter...
2. I am blessed by my daughter, who, even with her leaky, itchy ear, dived right into enjoying every minute of Christmas...
3. I am blessed by Him, who managed to look over me in the past seven days and helped me take care of getting my insurance card, my license tags, my traffic ticket, my Christmas presents, my brother's birthday present, my daughter's doctor appointment...I managed to finish decorating my tree...my daughter had her oral antibiotic twice a day all week, as well as her antibiotic eardrops twice a day all week, I caught and got over a terrible headcold and cough that stuck me in bed for a day, and we had a blizzard that dumped ice and snow on the ground and then brought subzero temperatures and my car wouldn't get out of the driveway and there's still cars getting stuck around town...and yet I'm still making it...
4. I am blessed by Himself, the reason for it all...
5. Special recognition goes out this year for the most useful blessing: That of an SUV in the family when a blizzard hits the Ohio Valley three days before Christmas...The 9-12 inches of ice then snow then ice then snow meant that the roads of my city were impassable by all but four-wheel drive vehicles...my mom and her Ford Escape became very, very popular this week...
I've been extremely neglectful of my journal this past week...just too, too much to deal with...My daughter is doing okay...her ear has been draining for almost two weeks now, but it's less swollen than it was...I have no idea if this is good or bad...her ENT appointment will be Jan. 10.  She has been having a real problem with it itching, especially at night! We've had several sleepless nights lately, with her crying and wanting me to hold her ear...I feel like this has been going on forever...I think it has, right?
And the combination of the foot of snow outside and the girl who loves to sled and make snow angels inside was almost too much for me to take...I couldn't let her go out because of her ear...that was a rough one!
But things are good! I drove my car today for the first time since last Monday...and didn't even get stuck in the snow, like many people in my city are still doing on a daily basis...My daughter has jumped into decorating for the next holiday, Valentine's Day, and already has hearts all over her room (don't ask me what happened to New Year's, I don't know...)...We went to my brother's house for his birthday party and enjoyed a nice, restful evening (always a pleasant surprise when my brother's involved!)...my favorite moment of the day was watching my nephew play with my grandpa...my nephew is named after my grandpa...it was quite a wonderful sight, seeing the 74-year old J.W. sprawled on the floor playing GI Joes with his great-grandson, the 3-year old J.W....and best of all, I caught up on my journals and even got to make a journal entry!
I am...accomplished!