All I know is everything's going to be alright...

I was doing my best to catch up on everyone's blogs, but, as usual, life got in my way.

Most of the time, I can ignore life and keep on doing my thing, but this time, there was no ignoring it, because it was Dwayne.

Anyway, he's been in the hospital for a week now, and unless they lied, he should be coming home tomorrow. 

So that's why I dropped off the radar...I've been at the hospital.

He's doing better. The doctors are still not sure what happened to him, but they were all fascinated by whatever it was. They stopped all his medicine, and all his symptoms stopped, so they figured it must be his medicine that caused it.

There's a lot more to the story, and I know I'm not explaining it well...maybe more tomorrow? I think I'm going to sleep in my own bed tonight for the first time in a week and see how it goes. 

And yeah, the Ambien has kicked in. Goodnight!!! :)

December Photo A Day, Day 16 - Makes You Feel Merry

Day 16 - Makes You Feel Merry

Our stockings...guess which one is mine? LOL

I still don't have much to say, because of migraine. I'm just swallowing pills like candy trying to push the pain away. I hope my liver forgives me. At least I don't drink!

I'm honestly at the point where I'm going to go back to peanut butter. If I have a headache anyway, why can't I have the good things in life while I'm suffering?

I just want a Reese's Cup.

Okay, I'm done whining! LOL Just thought I would vent for a minute...if I can't vent here, who can I vent to?!

On an up note, here's Ten Things That Make Me Feel Merry:

1. My kittycat

2. UK basketball (especially when they're MAKING THEIR FREE THROWS)

3. snow

4. music

5. Chelsea (when she's not being a grump)

6. Dwayne

7. books

8. kindness

9. generosity

10. LOVE

I need another story...

Imagine you're standing next to Vincent on that starry night...he's setting up to paint the valley before him, his eyes alight with wonder. You say, 'Vincent, this is the same valley that we see every day, what's so special about it?'

Well, nothing has changed with the valley, it's as special as it ever was.  It's Vincent who has changed. He has to get his vision on the canvas, NOW. 

The stars are great glowing yellow orbs of light in sky, The Milky Way is the dominant part of the sky as it sweeps and swoops around the other beings in the sky.  The Moon is a brilliant yellow crescent in the sky, also, refusing to be ignored.

There is a grove of fir trees to Vincent's left that obscures his view of the night sky. There are also mountains in the distance that don't get a second thought from him.

Van Gogh's `Starry Night` is a look at Vincent's reality.

What my point is, is that what one person sees and what another sees won't ever be exactly the same.

I look at the mall and my anxiety levels spike as I imagine the crowds of people inside staring at me and crowding me and small talking with me.  Whereas my daughter sees the mall as the happy place where she says, oooh, my mom and Dwayne and Mamaw have given me money let`s go buy stuff yay!

Sooooo....I felt like I really did have a point...I'm Ambien blogging so who knows what that might have been.  I THINK it's something like - none of us are coming from the same place. We all see something different with our different eyes and minds and experiences and hearts. It's a miracle that we get along in this world, but we do.

We successfully live and learn and grow and love.  And there is no reason why we can't continue to do that even in the wake of bad things going on around us.  We MUST continue to love each other, in spite of our differences.

Safe

Music: In My Arms - Plumb

My grandma's been in the hospital since Tuesday. She had her first and only chemo treatment and she still hasn't recovered. Her remaining chemo schedule has been put off indefinitely, and now they're talking feeding tube.

How did we get here? She was fine three months ago...

I guess I should say she seemed fine three months ago. Even then, the cancer was eating away at her, and we didn't know it.

I love a lot of people...my family, and my friends, and my coworkers...sometimes my heart feels almost too full when I think about all the wonderful people in my life. Sometimes I might get hurt, if I expect something from someone and it doesn't happen... but then I laugh it off, and forgive if needed. There's no room for resentment in my heart. It just doesn't go well with the love...

This has been a more disjointed entry than usual...I'm just finding it hard to focus lately, I guess. Worried, and disappointed. The world turned upside down when my grandma got sick, and it still hasn't righted itself.

No matter, alerts of this aren`t working anyway...

Before I left for Germany, when I was ten years old, my family had an early birthday party for my brother and me…who knew when we would be home again? My grandmother decorated a huge cake, with one side of it with Smurfs (for me J ), and the other side of it with a UK wildcat (for my brother)…

We got lots and lots of presents that day. One of my presents was a tape recorder…one of those huge black and silver things… On that day, with my family all together for the last time in what would be years, I made all of them speak into the recorder and record a special message for me.

I took that tape with their special message with me to Germany, where I kept it for all three years I was there, and whenever I was desperately homesick for my family I would play it…

The message was simple: It was my mom, my brother, my grandma, my grandpa, my aunt, my great-aunt…everybody recorded the same thing… 

"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"

I no longer have the tape, but I can still hear it, in my head…

Today, my family had an early birthday party for me (my birthday is actually Monday)…They called me into the kitchen, and I walked in to the crowd of people, my mom, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew, my daughter, my aunts, my boyfriend…

I knelt down to blow out the candles on my cake…

And I realized that all the people that had left me the messages on my tape so long ago were still right here…

I nearly cried as I realized how blessed I was, that over twenty years later, I’m still a member of this wonderful, sometimes maddening, always loving family,

And they were able to tell me again, today, that they loved me…

Instead of a wish for something I didn’t have, this year, before blowing out the candles, I just thanked God…for everything.