Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Living today...


Do you ever let a day go by and realize that it held no meaning? What did I do today? I don’t know…
My daughter was sick again this morning and couldn’t go to school, so my aunt came over and stayed with her and I went in to work late. What did I do? I tried to make sense of work…I haven’t worked a full day in so long, there’s piles and piles of paperwork and emails and voicemails and faxes to work on…but that’s okay, I love a challenge…
One of my co-workers asked me for help on a problem and then broke down and cried at her desk…I hugged her, commiserated, and offered her a game plan…
I went on break early so that I could go to the bank, and to the radio station to pick up my free movie tickets, and to get some gas, and while I was out I got something to eat, and I read some of my book…
I reluctantly went back in to work, called my daughter’s doctor, emailed my professor and let him know I wouldn’t be at school tonight…and continued working…
At about four o’clock, I went into the bathroom at work and stood at the sink…with the worst headache in the world…and I looked absolutely haggard. I leaned on the sink and ran some cold water and held my hands underneath it, thinking for some reason that it would help…
It didn’t help my headache, but it did succeed in making a few of my co-workers think that I’m even more strange than they already thought…also, it made my hands nice and cold and tingly…
When I finally left work, it was dark, and cold, and beautiful, but I was unaffected…I came home…what did I do? Talked to my daughter…nagged her to do her homework (big argument there – I had her call and get her assignments so she wouldn’t be behind when she went back to school…) and straighten up the bathroom…tucked her in bed. Mainly, I just read and finished my book.
So…here I am, at the end of the day, and I didn’t really do anything. Nothing meaningful, nothing deep…no lasting conversations…nothing happened that really meant anything. I wasted a whole day.
I was so tired today, working on about three hours of sleep. Can I blame nothing-ness on being tired? There’s no excuse…
I have to try harder, to LIVE.