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Chelsea helped me with my room yesterday. We're packing this week, among other things.
When I learned of my grandmother's cancer, back in 2009, that's kind of when things went south for me, and my room reflected that.
We got through piles of books, DVDs, CDs, papers...the stuff on the bottom was stuff that I'd last seen 5 years ago. It was kind of like an archaeological study on depression symptom #2: not having the energy or the interest to take care of things.
I'm much better now. In the past year, especially, I've come a long way from the dark place that landed me in the hospital back then. I think I've finally hit the right combination of medicine, I have figured out coping mechanisms, I know my triggers...
But this month, I'm desperately wishing to be anywhere else. Isn't that awful? I want to drown my sorrows in something...check myself in the hospital...just lay under my covers and hide forever!
But I can't, because I'm stronger now. My brother has cancer and the pill he takes makes him sick and my grandfather had brain surgery again and he's in the hospital and I have to divide my time between packing up my life to move this week and visiting my grandpa in the hospital.
My grandfather also has cancer again, and this time they can't do anything with it. They're giving him six months to a year.
My mom and my aunt, wimps that they are, sent my brother to tell me the news. He was very no nonsense about it, much like he was when he told me that he himself had cancer.
I just want to cry.
Well okay, I have. But only in my room, late at night.
I just can't even express how much I hate cancer.
My beautiful Annie
I've rarely talked about my Annie in this blog, maybe a mention here or there...I've been remiss!
Every family has a black sheep, one who bucks the status quo and does her own thing, and that's my beautiful cousin Annie. I was always the oddball they didn't understand, but I was malleable. Annie, malleable? Never!
We have a family event every two weeks or so, or at least once a month. All 14 of us are expected to attend. The first time Annie didn't show up, I was shocked. You mean not showing up was an option?
Annie has tattoos. An ankh on her back, a huge tribal tattoo on her arm, a panther on her leg. I made the mistake of asking why she had a lizard tattoo on her leg and she didn't speak to me for hours. IT'S A PANTHER, NOT A LIZARD!!!
Annie has a nose ring.
Only Annie is allowed any of these privileges. My grandmother would have spanked me with the yardstick for the second time in my life if I had showed up with a nose ring and tattoos. But I wouldn't, anyway, because long ago my grandfather told me I wasn't allowed. I guess Annie didn't get 'the talk'.
My mother and Annie's mother are sisters, so, due to the way my grandmother raised all of us, Annie and I might as well have been sisters, we grew up so close to each other. I was her maid of honor, and her beautiful little girl calls me 'Aunt Michelle'.
In the month that my grandmother died, Annie and I both ended up in the same treatment facility. Annie was admitted a few days before I was released. When I think back on it, our mothers had just lost their mother, and their daughters were in the hospital. We didn't make it easy on them, did we?
While my reaction to Moma's death was nearly killing myself by falling into the black hole of depression and never resurfacing, Annie's reaction was to dive deep into drugs to numb the pain.
We're both doing better now. I still have a ways to go, but I'm so much better than I was. Annie lives in the country in a bona fide farmhouse which is too far away for my liking, but she's become so capable, I'm so proud of her. She's a wonderful mother.
She'll be 29 in a couple weeks; and always my beautiful Annie.
I had a rough time getting out of the house on Easter morning...any other Sunday, I get to church on time (well, my usual five minutes late for Sunday School, no problem), but this Sunday...well...
I know what the problem was. I usually just wear my work clothes to church...dressy casual dark slack-type clothes, and my black Skechers, of course! I've gotten used to being the only woman at my church who doesn't wear dresses, I hardly even notice it any more.
But my grandmother bought me this lovely purple skirt and jacket-type thing for my birthday, that's been hanging in my closet ever since, that she begged for me to wear at least for Easter, before it's relegated back to my closet with all my other lovely skirts and dresses that my grandmother has bought me...
So that was the problem. I know it took me twenty minutes to figure out how the stupid skirt went. It had TWO slits in the front, when I finally figured it out...whoever heard of that?!
When I finally emerged from my bedroom, all dressed and grumpy and purple, D laughed and laughed when I told him about my skirt confusion. I think his exact words were, "You girly-girl, you...". It's a good thing he also told me how nice I looked!
But after the rough start, Easter settled down into a good day. What's a little skirt grumpiness compared to the magnitude of what this day means to Christians like me?
It was also my grandma's birthday. After church, the whole family went to my grandma's house for dinner. Then C and I, and my cousin, made Easter eggs. After that, things are a little hazy because I fell asleep on D's knee in the family room, but I vaguely remember the kids having their Easter egg hunt inside (it rained outside all Easter long). Then my grandma opened presents, we had birthday cake, and we watched the Kentucky game,
insert big sad :( here, nothing worse than fighting through two overtimes and still losing...but I'm still so proud of my team...I love my Cats!...
I was sitting around the table with my mom, and my grandma, and my aunt, and my cousin, and my daughter...everyone else was in the family room or the living room or elsewhere...and my grandma boasted about how she still had her eastern Kentucky accent...and my mom and my aunt said, no, not like you used to, and then they all started talking over each other in this old language...the language they all had forty years ago when they still lived in the mountains of eastern Kentucky.
I just remember feeling so lucky, sharing amused glances with my daughter and my cousin, that we all shared a moment like that, together, in 2005. Every holiday seems like a precious gift, to make just one more memory with your family.
Yesterday was both much better than I expected, in some ways...but the news we got from the doctor wasn't as glowing as I wanted!
Her surgery was at the Children's Hospital, which we've never been to before...and now I refuse to go anywhere else! Is is made especially for children, and it's all about making them comfortable, easing their fears, etc. It was perfect! The last time she had to get an IV she cried and cried...but yesterday, she barely knew it was happening, the RN doing it was so good. AND they let her take Purr (stuffed kitty) back into surgery with her...they even gave Purr a matching hospital bracelet to go on her paw, with her name on it! My daughter was thrilled by that one...
The doctor came out after the surgery and let us know that there were layers of layers of gunk that she hadn't expected...and that she found a tiny hole on the edge of the graft (that had repaired the previous hole)...and lots of granulation tissue (whatever that is, I didn't think to ask so now I'll have to remember to ask at the follow-up appointment!). As she's not sure that the infection's completely gone, C will have to take eardrops for five more days, and oral medicine for another week, and then go back in for a checkup, and then they'll see if the tiny hole is still there...and if it is, she may need additional surgery to repair that.
And wow, we were NOT expecting to hear 'additional surgery' yesterday, that really bummed us out for a while...
So then we brought her home and she laid in bed for the rest of the day and we waited on her hand and foot, because the nurses at the hospital told her that we would (Thanks, nurses, I appreciate that! LOL)...
At the hospital, a whole troop of our family was there, me, and D, my mom, and my grandparents, and our preacher from church...
And when we got home, phone calls from my brother, my aunt, and her friends, checking on her...
And a balloon bouquet from my friends at work arrived at the door for her - that was thrilling! She also came out of this with the new 'Incredibles' DVD (D bought that for her...).
I'm very grateful to have such a support system of people who love my daughter, it means so much to me.
p.s. As for how she's doing now...she was very pale the rest of the day...so pale it really had us worried and we kept trying to push food down here so as to get our rosy-cheeked girl back...she cried and cried last night with the eardrops, which the doctor had told us to expect they would sting a little...she's also having some bloody drainage which really freaked her out but she's a lot better now after I talked her down...this morning she was MUCH better, still a little wobbly-legged but back to rosy cheeks, no drainage, no fever, and so I sent her off to school. She's doing great!
...and after lots of sleep and medicine I think I've nearly recovered from the flu or whatever it was that I had. Please God!
I really can't believe it's been a week since I've posted anything...but then again maybe I can believe it, the past week seems to me a blur of going to work, collapsing in bed, going to doctor appointments and making phone calls...
Monday I took my daughter to the ENT and the prognosis is...well, not better...so she's scheduled for surgery on the 15th, to get the stuff off the eardrum, inspect the eardrum to make sure it's still intact from the 'ear patch' surgery she had a couple years ago, and the doctor will also take some cultures from the ear, hoping to find out why it's not healing.
Was it October, or November, when she first got sick? I never ever would have imagined it hanging on until March and resulting in surgery...I'm honestly scared.
Tuesday was the visit with my daughter's counselor...things going backward...we have to visit her pediatrician this week. We also visited the eye doctor, updated her prescription, and got her two new pairs of glasses. Stylish purple ones, of course! And when she gets her braces, she has already picked out pink ones...can you picture it...purple glasses...pink braces....she is sooo twelve! LOL!
I also called the university Tuesday and withdrew from my class this semester. My daughter is having way too many problems right now... I hated to do it, for all the work I've put into it so far and the money that it's going to cost me, but I only have one daughter, and she needs me more... I wish there was some way I could work only part time, but unfortunately that isn't possible. So something had to give, and school was it! Maybe next semester...
Friday D and I went to see an Easter pageant held at the huge church on the other side of town...There was probably about 12,000 people there! I'd never been there (I'm a South End girl!)... The pageant was huge and awesome and inspiring and sad... everyone left a better person, which is a good thing because, logistically, 12,000 people trying to leave at one time was a nightmare, we sat in traffic a looooong time... but all the better, that was more time to sit and think about Love...
Saturday I got the letter from my daughter's school, letting me know the final totals, after all the fundraising, for the New York City trip, and that the amount is due March 2. WHAT? You mean, this Wednesday, March 2?!
Gee, thanks for giving me that long 4-day notice! $1012.37 in four days, sure...
Today (Sunday) I had to go to the funeral home...My aunt's best friend died. She was only 48. My aunt is devastated...they were lifelong friends...I went to the funeral home and held my aunt and just said "I'm so sorry", and that was all it took for us to start crying...
So tonight, I'm going to wrap up this not-so-cheerful entry (sorry), finally, and go to bed...my daughter went to bed over two hours ago and she is still awake and moaning about not being able to sleep...the only way she's going to go to sleep, I think, is if I turn out all the lights so she knows that I'm asleep...
Is there anything...simple...about anything?
Well, today, I noticed something funny about my pear trees. I went and inspected them and...yes...they have little fuzzy things growing out of them! My pear trees think Spring is on the way!
Please, Spring, come fast, and bring Summer with you...
…But that’s okay! Once, a long time ago (last year), there was life for me before I knew about alerts…I can do it again…I can! J
Happy Birthday, me…
I’m still feeling very loved and blessed today…even though my family celebrated my birthday with a party on Saturday (see previous), today I still got phone calls and emails from my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, my friends…
Today my co-workers threw me a party, brought me a cake…my boss bought me flowers…
My mom, my aunt, and my daughter took me out to dinner today…my dad is coming into town and will take me out tomorrow…and D and I will be going out for my birthday this coming up Saturday night…I think I’ve stretched my birthday to last for about a week, this way! LOL
I know there will be times in the future when I’ll feel unlucky and unloved…but in reality, what I have is rare and wonderful, and I know it.
EAR UPDATE: I took my daughter to the ENT again today…it’s not better, of course…but it is less swollen than it was…the doctor vacuumed out her ear again (OH MY GOSH, YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE!)…She will be on antibiotic eardrops now for two more weeks (I have heard this entire script before, but it SOUNDS better, somehow, coming from the ENT)…and when we go back in two weeks, they will most likely have to put her to sleep under anesthesia so they can get a look at her eardrum, her ear is still in such bad shape, they can’t get a good look at it. (sigh)
My birthday gift to myself? I’m taking the day off tomorrow. I don’t know why I didn’t take my actual birthday off today…I think it’s because I knew my co-workers were already planning a party for me and I didn’t want to disappoint them…
My big plans for my day off tomorrow, before I pick up my daughter from school and we go out to eat with my dad?
SLEEP! I am going to get up, take my daughter to school, come back home, turn on TNT, and nap all day to the soothing sounds of Angel, Charmed, ER, and Judging Amy, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it…sleep sleep sleep, here I come!
One last thing…
I think that I’m so tired today, the enormity of being 32 for the first time hasn’t hit me yet…how can I be 32? It seems like just yesterday that I was 31…
I’m feeling loved and blessed and tired and overwhelmed…I’m feeling like there’s something I’m supposed to do now that I’m 32, that’s my special responsibility…maybe we’re back to LIVING!
I'm working myself up to making a meaningful entry...I've been doing fluff for so long, I don't know if I can remember how to do anything else...but I'm working up to it.
It's unfortunate that the first time I've been clear-headed since Thursday has to be at 3:21 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Well, I'm not really clear-headed, since I'm actually still kind of stopped up, but at least my nose isn't running and I'm not in a medicated fog (that Tylenol Nighttime Flu medicine packs quite a punch!).
I was still the walking dead Friday night...fell asleep on the couch...I had to wake up, give my daughter her medicine, tuck her in bed, fell back asleep, woke up Saturday morning with my daughter complaining she was sick...me thinking, "I know that, you've been sick for months"...and then she threw up in the bathroom..."Oh, that kind of sick."
So all day my poor baby ran a fever and had nausea...and then, about six p.m., it's like a switch turned off and she started feeling better. I don't know what it was, but thank goodness it's over.
We went to my aunt's birthday party today at my grandma's house...which my daughter missed all of as she went upstairs to 'her' room as soon as we got there and slept the whole time. It was a great party, for once...no family arguments, no one got mad at anyone else and left...no one made anyone else cry. It was great! Probably I enjoyed it so much because I wasn't actually there, I spent most of the time upstairs watching my daughter sleep, because the minute I tried to leave 'her' room she would wake up and say, "Mommy? Where are you?" LOL It's like she knew I was trying to go and get some birthday cake!
My dad bought me a new scanner for Christmas, and I finally opened the box tonight...I think I might hook it up tomorrow. It's actually a scanner/printer/copier, so, last weekend, I set up my daughter's computer in her room, and hooked up my old printer in there. I think I've mentioned before, she is ARTSY, you should see what she's creating in paint and printing out! I tried to tell her, print cartridges are expensive...(sigh)...I guess I know who's going to buy the new cartridges...I'll tell my boyfriend to get right on that! LOL!
Friday night, I was sooo sick and miserable, and D came in and brought us supper, and he had bought me a bouquet of flowers...red roses and yellow and pink and purple flowers (I don't know what the other ones were)...but they were oh so pretty and so unexpected!
I couldn't even smell their pretty fragrance, because, you know, I couldn't breathe, but it was so sweet...
I'm going to try and go to sleep, now...
Good night.
It's 3:10 a.m. Why am I still up?
Well, it's because I went to see the 'Spiderman 2' late show (great movie! go see it!), and then, when I got home, I jumped at the chance to use my first free time in a couple of days to journalize.
The world is not going well for my dad's side of the family. My mom's side is still pretty intact. Fragmented v. whole, and also redneck southern city v. transplanted country folk. And that's me in the middle. The only Philosophy major/space geek/quiet one of the bunch. I never quite fit in, but they forgave me for that when I produced my daughter, whom both sides adore.
So when my dad gave me Friday's update, I've cried and haven't been good for anything...Why is it that when one thing goes bad, they all go bad? My dad was busy all week long with the traumas of his sister and two brothers, my aunt and uncles.
One uncle's issue this week is jail (he's the black sheep), and the other one's is divorce (after 25 years of marriage). (Don't go thinking my dad's the trauma-free one, as he is the one who ended up in the hospital a few years ago with a gunshot wound. He drove himself to the E/R. That's a tough military man for you. It will take quite a long time for him to live that one down.)
But it was the update on my aunt that stopped me. The cirrhosis of the liver was caused by...hepatitis, after all. I don't know how the hospital said that she didn't have it, and now she does. But she does. We don't know how. She did work in a hospital for years and years, so maybe that's how? The other news is that she only has about 20% of her liver that is actually functioning.
I had so many questions. What does 20% functioning mean? Is that good or bad? How long can it function like that? Will it get worse?
She goes back to the specialist this week and then we'll know more.
My cousins still hadn't told my aunt, either, about any of it. All they have told her now is that something MAY be wrong with her liver and she is going to need more tests. My dad is going out there to tell her the truth. I know that the reason my aunt doesn't know yet is because my cousin, who acts as interpreter, just cannot tell her. I can't imagine having to be the one to do it. I'm glad that it's going to be my dad, who's known and loved her the longest...
"Life is a joy, and a privilege." My preacher said that this week. He is over 70 years old, and lost his beloved wife of over 50 years to cancer, a year ago this week. He is still ministering to people, still reminding people of what's important. He's still reminding people of how to LIVE.
Life is a joy, and a privilege.
When I was at the hospital Friday to see my aunt, the rest of the family left and it was just us and my cousin, Amy.
We left my aunt while the nurses came in to help her, ostensibly to go downstairs, but really to go to the waiting room and talk about things we couldn't talk about in front of her.
We settled down on the waiting room couch, me on the right, Amy on the left, and my mom in front of us. And while Amy gave us the updates, I couldn't help but think about how thankful I was, to Amy, and to my aunt, for being in my life, and how often through the years Amy and I had slouched, in those same positions, next to each other on a couch, through good times and bad.
We were born within a month of each other, and were always together growing up, interrupted only by my frequent moves around the world as an Army brat. When I came back home for good in 1986, we were best friends.
All through middle school and high school, we were a constant presence in each other's house. She always wanted to come to mine, because it was cleaner, and I always wanted to go to hers, because there was less supervision. I spent days on end at her house...I was my aunt's fourth daughter, and she was my second mom, only without the constant monitoring I got from my real mom!
Amy and I were with each other when we learned our grandmother had died, and again when our grandfather died. We got in trouble all through high school together. Courtesy of Amy, who fixed me up with my first boyfriend, I got my first kiss...and also my Junior Ring Dance date with a different guy, when I no longer had a boyfriend!
We continued in this vein, through a lot of ups and downs and tragedies, and through my one girl and her three boys, not seeing each other nearly as often, but, when we do talk on the phone or see each other, as comfortable and comforting as always.
I'm so proud of her for what she's accomplished. Also a little worried, as most of the burdens of this are falling on her shoulders, even though she has two sisters. It's Amy who always goes to every doctor visit with my aunt and uncle, because she acts as their interpreter (my aunt and uncle are deaf). I could tell she was unraveling there, in the waiting room, even as she made us laugh as usual. You know one of those people who can always make you laugh? That's Amy.
So anyway, I felt that one moment of grace when I was sitting there, as usual, beside my lifelong best friend, who saved my life many times as I was growing up. Tears, and uncertainty, but also grace, which hopefully she felt as well. I know she'll always be there for me, and I will always be there for her.
Here we are, circa 1973:
Thank you all so much for the kind words and prayers, you have no idea how much it meant to me that you were thinking about and praying for us. I'm truly grateful.
Not a very fun day...
When I got home from work this evening, my dad called me. He was upset with me, because he had been leaving me voicemails since yesterday and I hadn't called him back, and it was bad...my aunt is in the hospital. Not the same aunt that was in the hospital a few weeks ago, this time it's my dad's sister.
I haven't been listening to my messages lately.
My aunt went to the hospital with pains. They thought it was her heart, and so they did a heart cath. Her heart was fine. Then they thought it was her gallbladder. She had her gallbladder removed this morning. During the surgery, they saw her liver.
They came out of the surgery, saying everything went fine, but...
And they showed my cousin, my aunt's middle daughter and my best friend, a picture of my aunt's liver.
They said, "Your mother will have to stop drinking. We're going to schedule some programs for her...".
She has cirrhosis of the liver.
The doctors didn't know then that my aunt doesn't ever drink.
And they didn't know that those were the only words that had the ability to put my family in a tailspin and strike fear in our hearts.
My aunt's dad, my grandfather, died of cirrhosis of the liver. He actually was an alcoholic. He hemorrhaged to death in his apartment. It was...terrible. Terrible.
My aunt doesn't drink. She doesn't have hepatitis. But she has cirrhosis of the liver. It may not be that advanced, and it may be manageable. We'll know more when the real doctor comes in tomorrow.
But the gut reaction of my family was the reaction of a family who has already been torn apart by this disease. My dad, sobbing over the phone, wondering why his sister, who has never done anything wrong, has this. My uncle, hovering in the hallway. My cousins, disbelieving and in tears.
They haven't told my aunt yet. She was devastated when my grandpa died the way he did. My cousins decided she wasn't in any condition, after her surgery today, to hear this. I don't agree with their decision, but there's nothing I can do about it. I felt horribly guilty sitting by her bed and knowing something she didn't.
I hope that tomorrow the doctor will come in and say, this is not as bad as that, this can be managed...
I just didn't realize that the pain of my grandfather's violent death, over fourteen years ago, still had the ability to destroy us this way.
My aunt is home from the hospital and things are okay...she had surgery while she was in there, and lots of tests, and still no clear answers. But she is feeling better, and so we're thankful, and still praying.
We're going down to my mom's (and grandma's and aunt's) hometown down in the mountains of eastern Kentucky this weekend. For Decoration. Or, to the kids, for the vacation where the whole family hangs out by the pool for a few days, except on Sunday when we go to the family cemetery in the holler and decorate great-grandparent's and great-great-grandparent's and countless aunts', uncles', and cousins' graves.
The new twist to this story in the past couple of years is that both my aunt (the one who just got out of the hospital) and my mom have put up their tombstones already there, next to my great-grandparents. My mom and my aunt are still alive, but we can stand now over their gravesite.
I understand, them wanting to get this taken care of so we don't have to when the time comes. But it was such a shock the first year, walking up that hill to Ma and Pa's graves and coming across my mother's. I cried. That time will come soon enough without a reminder, you know? But I'm thankful my mother was there to comfort me, just like she always has been.
I think AOL should add more moods up there. I'm hardly ever any of those moods they have listed.
I haven't had much time to stay on here, lately, with my aunt in the hospital...hopefully things will get back to normal soon. Not that normal is really normal, but anyway...
The washer broke Wednesday night and flooded my utility room. Now all the wood furniture that was in there is in the living room and there's about 1 foot of space to walk around. My grandpa did fix my washer, though, so yay! He's the best, he can fix anything, I don't know what I'd do without him.
My daughter went on a field trip with camp yesterday to the water park. I was so worried about her going there without me. She'll be 12 next month but she's still my baby! I dropped her off at camp and went on to work, worrying the whole day that she'd get a sunburn (she is extremely fair-skinned and doesn't tan) because she wouldn't remember to reapply her sunblock...worrying that she'd get in the wave pool and lose her glasses...worrying about anything that could go wrong. I was told at work to relax, stop worrying, and let her experience things.
So what happened? She has a terrible sunburn on her face now. She DID lose her glasses in the wave pool, but found them again. And, to top it off, she lost her inner tube in the wave pool, while the waves were on, couldn't handle the waves, and the lifeguard had to jump in and get her.
OH MY GOSH!
See? I KNEW it. I don't think I can let her go back, they go to this waterpark every Thursday. I think she's just too young to handle it without me.
I don't know. Maybe I'm still a little too stunned to think about this clearly...
I just got in from staying the night at the hospital with my aunt, who's been there since Sunday. We're all taking turns so she won't be there by herself, and last night was my turn. We still don't know what's wrong with her, just waiting...
Now I have to get in the shower, go pick up my daughter from my grandparents' house, take her to camp, and then go to work. I have one hour to do all this.
So of course I'm writing in my journal!
Can I just say that I love Willie Nelson?
