Much the same...

The pile is still on top of my monitor...it's kind of leaning over, like it will fall any minute.
I used to live in a city in Germany that had a leaning tower.  The story goes that way back when the tower was being built, there was a drought and so wine instead of water was used to mix the mortar being used to build the tower, and therefore the mortar wasn't as strong as it should be...

It was quite fun to tour the tower.  You would climb and climb stairs to get to the top, and by the time you got up there the tilt was very pronounced and it was very hard to stand up! 
I still miss the little city where I spent part of my growing up years.  I don't know if I'll ever get to go back there.  We lived by a vineyard, where we used to ride our bikes in the summer, and go sledding in the winter.  I would go to school in the winter and, riding in the bus across the new bridge over the Main River, see great sheets of it frozen...when we came back to Louisville in 1986 the Ohio River was so huge, I've never seen it frozen over....
We used to pick plums from our neighbor's yards, and would then get promptly scolded by old German women.  We had schnitzel for dinner almost every night...it was a treat when our parents would take us out to eat and we could get hamburgers and fries...or pommes frites as we called them there.  An even bigger treat was the occasional trip to the big city of Wurzburg, where we could go to McDonald's!
I came back to the States when I was almost thirteen years old...having spent my crucial growing up years in a different country, it was major culture shock!
to be continued...

The earth is round...

I'm trying to catch up on journals and my stupid computer keeps kicking me off, so I'm giving up for the night and will try again tomorrow...sometime...
I know that there are people who are very neat and don't have a procrastinating problem or a packrat problem - I even know some people like that.  I wish I was like that.  The reason I bring this up is because my whole bedroom is beyond belief.  I keep the rest of the house looking really great, but for some reason I cannot extend that to this room.  I have stacks and stacks of papers, folders, books, CDs...everywhere!  I also don't understand why my desk at home looks like this, while my desk at work is extremely well organized.
For a small illustration, we'll just note what's on top of my computer monitor (from bottom up):
2 really thick folders (I have no idea what's in them), 6 or 7 cards and drawings, another folder, book (boy meets girl by Meg Cabot), 2 magazines, book (Holocaust Poetry), lots more papers, including instruction booklets, bills, etc. etc., another book (Bridget Jones:The Edge of Reason by Helen Fielding), lots more papers, a packet of school pictures, another book (The Folk of the Fringe by Orson Scott Card), a packet of Y softball pictures, another magazine, and a ton of bills.
I measured it with a ruler - that stack is EIGHT inches tall!  My daughter knocked it off the other day, and it fell into another stack on the desk, and then both stacks fell onto the stack on the floor.  I made her pick it all up and she complained the whole time..."Why do you have stuff on top of your monitor?", and "Why does your desk look like this?", and "Throw some of this stuff away!"
(sigh)
I'm pretty sure this mess happened when, a couple months ago, I rearranged in here and moved the filing cabinet into the closet.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Only now, all the stuff that's supposed to go in there is actually sitting in piles everywhere else, because it's so hard to put it back!
I have to be up in less than five hours...no days off for the rest of the year...maybe I'll straighten this up in January, when I have time...at least the rest of the house looks good! LOL

Peace, quiet, blessings untold

Monday was a very bad day here...we've had bad days every day for three weeks, so I was getting used to it.  Then I went to Open House on Monday night, and, wow, did I wish I was somewhere else.  The past three weeks of drama have definitely showed up at school, too.  All her teachers showed me their records, in which my beautiful girl's grades started out A, A, then...nothing.  That's right - weeks worth of assignments not even turned in. 
I KNEW something was up, when she came home every day saying she had no homework!
And then Tuesday morning was bad, also...and I just knew I had to do something different.  I've already done different things ... I took her to our doctor ... then I took her to a different doctor ... they're evaluating different things and I'm really hopeful about it.  But in the meantime, I felt like she was drowning and I needed to do something NOW, instead of waiting for the evaluating to be done with.  I was just so tired of, and worried about, the same terrible events happening every morning and evening...
So I didn't go to work Tuesday.  I took her to school, went back home, picked her back up from school at 3.
I did the same thing Wednesday, and Thursday (today).
I've realized quite a few things, in these three days off.
1.  There are all kinds of great TV programs on during the day.  I normally get to watch only one thing throughout the week, so I had a hard time tearing myself away from the TV.  'Charmed', 'MacGuyver', 'Full House' (!), and lots and lots of classic Trek, TNG, DS9...I noticed from the TV Guide that 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Buffy' were also on, but unfortunately I don't get those channels - it's a good thing I have those series already on tape and DVD!  I'm a TV fanatic, and it's been a long time...
2.  I've been so busy I haven't had time for basic things.  Like vacuuming.  It was a great relief to be able to do such simple, yet mandatory, stuff...
3.  When you get back home after dropping her off at school, that's a really good time for a nap.
4.  The main thing is, I realized the effect that my working so much has had on her.  I've seen many different things happen over the past few days, the most important of which is that my daughter blossoms under my constant attention and encouragement.  The reason I took the last three days off was to spend every waking moment with her...joined at the hip, so to speak.  Picked her up from school...heard the day's good and bad things...got home and sat down with her to do her homework - lots and lots and lots of make-up work to do this week!  It was kind of like she was in prison, but she seemed so happy.
We've had two full drama-free days, and I KNOW it's because of all the care and attention I lavished on her.  There are a few problems, now.  A 12-year old shouldn't have to be constantly monitored and lavished with attention...but I'm sure the counseling will help with that.  Another problem is that I have to go back to work tomorrow, and she will once again be with less patient people until I get off.  I'm really worried about that one.  The worst thing, of course, is that I get home around 6 p.m., and there's just not a lot of quality time, when it's just three hours to get homework, supper, and bath...
It's obvious that I have to do something different...I don't know how...we'll work it out, somehow...
I do know that I'm feeling so much better since I went to the doctor myself, and I'm still feeling hope that things can work out, and I've so enjoyed and appreciated the past few days of peace and laughter. 

Why are these quizzes so disconcerting?

  You have Purple Wings! Lost and Confused, when your wings are purple, it's difficult to see ahead because the fog is clouding your vision. You can never decide easily, and even the simplest choices are difficult to take. A quiet, kind person, you have a very sharp mind and can do anything if you set your mind to it. But something probably very sad happened in your life, and now, you question anything. Lost in your trance and afraid to peek outside your box, right now your life is very frustrating. But, don't forget this very important thing: Purple is made from blue and red, and with just a little bit of pushing, you can go back. What color are your wings? brought to you by Quizilla (Thanks to Angel and Danielle, for the link...)

Wedding music...

Weekend Assignment #24
I've never had a wedding,
And since I don't dance, I've never picked out a first song...
I can tell you what it wouldn't be:
It wouldn't be Def Leppard's 'Love Bites'...
It wouldn't be Nazareth's 'Love Hurts'...
It wouldn't be Elvis Presley's 'Suspicious Minds'...
It wouldn't be Simon and Garfunkel's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover"...
and it really wouldn't be Billy Idol's 'Dancing With Myself'...
Now that I've had time to think about it, here are songs that it would be:
It would be 'The Way You Look Tonight' by Tony Bennett...
It would be 'Everybody Loves Somebody' by Dean Martin...
It would be 'You Send Me' by Sam Cooke...
It would be 'My Love is Deeper' by Randy Travis...
and it most definitely would be 'My Everything' by Barry White!

Feeling...hope?

Well...
(I say that word a lot.  And I've lived in Kentucky since I moved back here in '86...so it's not just, "Well".  Instead, it has a definite twang in there, kind of like, "Weyellllll"... LOL!)
We made it to Thursday.  I'm feeling very hopeful now, and very thankful.  It doesn't necessarily mean the drama is going away, right away...but it does mean that I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
We didn't go to school or work today since we were at the doctor's office most of the day.  I may still go in...I can't stand to think of all the work piling up on my desk for me to do tomorrow...and also, being as how I left early Tuesday, AND Wednesday (more drama), AND I'm out right now, I think it would probably be a good idea...but I'm just so happy to be relaxing at home for the first time in what seems like such a long time...what a dilemma!
Oh, who am I kidding, no way am I going to go in there this late, it's an approved day off and I'm going to take advantage of it!  Plus I'm catching my daughter at her best time, the middle of the day...
And this way I can go to the Y early and get back in time for 'Survivor'.  Not that I'm addicted, or anything.
We've had other quiet times this week, immediately followed by bad times, so I don't know why I'm treating this time differently, except that it IS, and I feel it, and I KNOW it.  It will take some time, but things WILL BE fine again.

No need...

Last night went well...
This morning went well...
I really thought I might get through the day without any drama.  Right up until about 4 p.m. today when I got called at work...
So I had to leave work early...
Hopefully I still have a job...hopefully my supervisor doesn't think less of me because I walked out of there crying...hopefully we'll make it to Thursday in one piece...that's about all I can hope for, I think, because nothing else is working.  I can try to convince myself that it's okay, because tonight went well, but... see above...
I'm just getting so tired.  And I wish there was more than just me.
Wishing is fun, except for when it doesn't help you feel better.

My personal time capsule...

Scalzi' s Weekend Assignment #23: A Personal Time Capsule
100 years from now, your great-great-great-grandchild has been assigned to write a school report on your life and times. Help him or her by putting five things in a time capsule. The five things could include something personal or something that typifies the times we live in. One catch: It can't include a version of your AOL Journal (because that would be too easy, that's why).
Extra Credit: Put something in the box that would believe would be completely puzzling -- something they'd look at and say, "What the heck is this?"
Okay, here it is:
1. Our family history, complete with pictures:
It’s taken a lot of time and research to get know what we know about our family history…it would have been so much easier if, 100 years ago, my great-great-grandmother had put some information in a time capsule for me!
2. A catalog of American music:
Including bluegrass, country, soul, folk, jazz, rock & roll, rap …
3. A copy of the Constitution of the United States:
We’re a baby country yet we have the world’s oldest living constitution…it’s vitally important to our way of life and our freedom.
4. The history of space exploration up to the year 2004:
If we’re on Mars by then, it’ll be a nice relic. If the space program has fallen by the wayside by then, it’ll be an example of the long lost dreams of millions of people.
5. Books:
How can I choose just one? If pressed, I’ll have to choose the ‘Little House’ series by Laura Ingalls Wilder, nothing can beat this look into the American frontier of the 1880s…it shouldn’t be forgotten.
Extra Credit:
My copy of the original soundtrack to ‘Star Trek: The Motion Picture’ on 8-track.  It's very special to me... :)

This day will always be a Tuesday...

It's been three years...yet every time I find myself experiencing a beautiful day, with clear blue skies and perfect temperature, I always think back to another day that started out beautiful. 
I had to go to work at noon that day...at the time I worked for the corporate office of our company's airline.  Security was very high.
A week later, I transferred to the building I work in now.  For a long time, as I was taking the stairs in and out every day, I would think of other people, in other stairwells and other buildings, who might not have made it out. 
I wonder how long this date will make us stop, and think, and pray... I hope forever.

Such is...

I think I will start writing journal entries while I'm at work, and posting them when I get home...things are so much better at work than they are at home.  At least lately, they are.  
Of course, now that I've said that I'll probably get fired next week...  
(Of course I wouldn't write while I was at WORK, I meant while I was on BREAK at work.  I would never ever treat my job in such a way!  Shocked at the assumption!)  ;)  
I work in a high-rise building, but I work on the third floor, so I always take the stairs.  
a)  Because every little bit helps, and  
b)  Because I hate that strange vibe you get in elevators when there's more than just you.  
But one day, for some reason, I got on the elevator instead of taking the stairs.  A man was already standing in there.  I pressed '3', and it didn't light up.  I pressed '3' again.  And again.  And stared at the number panel, dumbfounded.  Why didn't it light up?  Why didn't the door close?  
And finally the man said, "Uh, ma'am, you do know that we're already on the third floor, right?..."   ...  
(sigh) Things like that happen to me all the time, unfortunately...
...
........................................................................................  

I don't get to go back to work until Monday...I'd run away this weekend, but of course I'd have to take the family with me!

Whose life is this?

Mine?
Surely this is not My Life.
Where did I go wrong?
There are things that are good right now.
But the bad things, they're just...they overshadow everything else.
My family is a wreck this week.  Famllies seem to be put on this earth to bring you your greatest happiness...and greatest aggravation...joy...pain...
I guess I need Montel to help me sort it all out.

Two nights in a row? no way...

I was so motivated, too, until Right Now when I realized that I just don't have an entry available...
Some people I'm thinking of right now:
Donna & Steve got their papers and are hoping to travel to China to get their daughter within the next 10 days - it all depends on clearing up the last of the red tape, if they miss this window it will probably push back the trip for over a month, because no one can go there in October...Donna says Steve is ready to swim across the Pacific if he has to...
A good friend of mine has lost her job and is having other family problems and is very discouraged right now.  She's such a great person, I hate to see her so down.
My grandpa doesn't really want to see the farm go and isn't looking forward to it.  I really think that all the work he puts into it helps keep him young...I hope he'll find many other projects to work on.
Not much of an entry...too tired to write or spin...enjoying the cool weather, gentle rain, and soft breezes that the remnants of Frances has brought us...hard to reconcile it...I'm going back to the dentist tomorrow, that's always fun...I'm going to get up before six a.m. so we don't have another morning like this morning, when I ruined my daughter's school day from the very beginning...had a good workout at the Y today - a year ago I would never have believed that those words could come out of my mouth!...now my playlist has shifted and is playing, of all things, "Me and Little Andy" by Dolly Parton...and I'm pretty sure I'll be haunted by Donny and Marie all night long :)...
and how in the world did it get to be 1:27 a.m.?

Goodbye, farm

Goodbye, place of good memories...goodbye, safe haven...goodbye, perfect place for midnight stargazing.
We went down to my grandparents' farm today for a Labor Day picnic and they broke the news to us - they're putting the farm up for sale.
(When we got down there, everyone was outside, enjoying the day...all except for my daughter who had gone down there with them last night.  Where was she?  She's my daughter, of course - inside the house, reading a book, soaking up the air conditioning!)
As my mother so gracefully put it, my grandparents are not getting any younger, and they just can't keep up two places anymore.  I just wish I had the money to buy it from them.  What really breaks my heart is the 65 acres of woodland they have...because no doubt whoever buys it will not see it as 65 acres of beautiful untouched forest...they'll only see the value of the woods as potential lumber.
I'll miss seeing my grandpa as king of all this land...I'll miss seeing deer come right up to the back porch at dusk and dawn...I'll miss the black sky and getting to see millions of stars and the Milky Way, things that my orange-horizoned city never lets me see...
I'll miss the particular grove in the woods that, for some reason, has a lot of evergreen trees and that soft, springy moss that grows beneath, it's the only place like that in the woods and so is very special...I'll miss the field in the clearing that some previous owners made, about which I alternate fantasizing about the house that I would build there, or the baseball field it would be perfect for...
I'll miss having a place to run to when life gets too overwhelming.
I'm so thankful that I knew the place, and I'm thankful for the peace it's given me.
Field of Dreams:

Woo hoo! It's Sunday...

And my daughter just left town with my grandparents to spend the night at their farm -
Free time! Free time! Whatever will I do?
I’m thinking that maybe I’ll start cataloging my books and weeding some out of my bookshelves to make room for the piles of books on my desk and on the floor. I have to do this every so often because I just don’t have enough room, and I hate it! I don’t want to part with ANY of them…
I’m also thinking maybe I’ll try to do the weekend assignment for a change – the problem is that all my favorite pictures are of my daughter, and I just don’t feel comfortable right now posting her picture, so I’ll have to find something else I like…we’ll see…
I just saw the movie ‘Love Actually’, and it is wonderful.
Hey! My daughter’s gone, and I can watch whatever I want on TV, or take a nap, or go out for a jog…wait, I can go out, period, wherever I want…
I just don’t know what to do with myself, it’s like the reverse of when you were a teenager and your parents went out of town (LOL)…
I’m off now, to try and be irresponsible for a few minutes, it’ll be hard but I’ll give it my best shot!
***
p.s.  D's birthday went very well...apparently it doesn't matter what I get him, he loves it, and me, regardless.  :)

No more jittery, let's go to frantic...

Well, it's 12:01 a.m. and officially D's birthday ... OMG it's his BIRTHDAY!  I haven't been shopping, I haven't baked a cake, I haven't made any plans! 
I'm deluding myself into thinking it's really not that bad.  I should get off work tomorrow way before he does... I'll buy cake mix and stuff in the morning.  I wonder if I have time to bake before I go to work?
I haven't bought his present yet, either.  What do you get for someone who doesn't really have any interests, and mostly only works all the time?  Twice a year I have  this dilemma...
(groan)
You know how you start off Monday and think, wow, I have a whole week to get all this stuff done?
And then Thursday night comes and you think, OMG, what did I do all week?!  Where have I been?!
(Answer: Work.  Y.  Daughter's school.  Daughter's doctor's office.  Daughter's volleyball games.  Church.  Walgreens.  Work.  Work.  Work.  Work.  And, of course, computer.) 
I'll pull it all together, though, just wait and see...

Thoughts should have a subject?

Scalzi has written a couple of entries about these guys and so I had to check them out...definitely worth it...
I wish AOL would expand the 'mood' list up there.  Is jittery a mood?  Or is that just a by-product of the Diet Pepsi I just drank?  I wonder if my personality would be different if I didn't drink 5 or 6 Diet Pepsis a day...
I went to my daughter's volleyball game yesterday and they won (yay!) ... it made me think back to my school days and what I did ... which is to say, nothing.  No sports whatsoever...I was completely uninterested in physically exerting myself when I could be reading a book.  She's lucky, she likes to read and she also likes to play, I'm so impressed!
I got into a fracas over the phone today with one of our customers.  He was yelling and wouldn't stop so I had to raise my voice to talk over him, then finally I had to say "Goodbye" and just hang up.  Immediately applause came from all around me, along with comments like, "I didn't know who that was talking...", and "I didn't know you could talk that loud."  I'm normally a very VERY soft-spoken person...my phone conversations with strangers usually consist of 1) someone confusing me with my with a 10-year old (I have a little voice), or 2) someone saying, "I can't HEAR you, SPEAK UP."
It was a little embarrassing...I blushed...
I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight (well, midnight is not really early, I guess), I have to be up at six a.m., I haven't been getting much sleep ...
Probably, drinking Diet Pepsis before bed doesn't help much...