At least I got 3 hours in...

Why why why does my kitty wake me up at 2:30 in the morning?
Am I being punished?
I'm bad, right?:(I've been up for 3 hours and 20 minutes and I only have 25 minutes left to go back to sleep.  Arrrgggghhhh, BAD KITTY.

Charade

    
I've taken the Ambien and am patiently waiting to fall asleep, fully expecting to not remember writing any of this in the morning. That stuff is scary.  And really scary when I take it with some Benadryl and a Vicodin.  But at least I don't wash it down with a whiskey...

Sleep eludes me anymore, without a pill.  Unless it's non-threatening catnaps, in the middle of the day.  Those are easy. The pressure of lying down to sleep 6-8 hours at night in the dark has gotten to be too much, without some help...

I'm not sure at what point I'm supposed to stand back up and do things on my own again.  The crazy place floated around the idea of a year...

It's been a short seven months and I miss Moma terribly.  I'll never get over the fact that she's not here anymore.  I was blessed with a very close relationship with the perfect grandma for the first 38 years of my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Insomnia...

I just cannot sleep...At first I thought it was because I was addicted to those stupid Lortabs.  So I quit taking them and then I still couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe it was withdrawal...but it's been a couple of days now...so I guess maybe it's just a permanent condition.  Or maybe it's because I'm so uncomfortable from the pain.
Yeah, that could be it. :)
I did get the cast taken off and the stitches taken out finally on Monday...physical therapy has commenced in earnest again and my life is happy just YAY! all over...
This is one of my favorite songs ever, it's been one of my comfort songs for about twenty years now...gosh I'm getting old...we all are...
The clues to a mild little depression are all around me...the utter disarray and clutter of my house, the unreturned phone calls, the unopened mail and the canceled doctor appointments... I don't know if it's because of the surgery, or if the surgery was just a convenient excuse.  If people hadn't been coming around to help me out, I'm not sure that the laundry or dishes would have been done.
I wasn't too far gone to make sure that my daughter and my kitty got fed.
Now I have three weeks left before I have to go back to work and it's like I've been given an ultimatum...get your life in order, get your mind in order, OR ELSE.
I close my eyes at night and try to go to sleep and all I see is a big jumble of all the stuff that I need to do and have failed to do in my life, stuff that I will never do and stuff that I will never get done and stuff that I will never hope to do and stuff that I BETTER do before July 10...
I don't think I can ever go to sleep.

I love this world, even when I'm extra tired...

I've been out for a few days and now I have 180,000 alerts to get to.
I got a good start tonight, but it's almost 2 a.m. and I'm losing steam...I have to work in the morning...
I earned a promotion at work (yay!) which means now I'm making more money (yay! yay!) but it also means that I'm the one who's expected to handle T's special accounts when she's out on disability next month.
So I've been training on these accounts for the past week and work isn't NEARLY as fun as it used to be!  I hate training on new things...accepting change isn't one of my strengths, AT ALL.
huh...
I was going to write something about my struggle with my checkbook today and how I finally was victorious and BALANCED it...
but I just now fell asleep in my chair.
sheesh...
G'night...

Hello, world...

I wonder how a week goes by and I don't write in my journal...especially when every day something happens and I think, "I must remember to write this in my journal!"...but by the time I get here I'm just. so. tired.
The visit to the pediatrician went very well this week, my daughter was prescribed a different dose than what she is taking now, and it made a huge wonderful difference in her behavior Wed. - Fri. when she took the medicine...but by Saturday, the medicine bottle had disappeared...
That's what it's like to be us, things just...disappear...
So now I have to call the doctor Monday morning and humbly ask him to write out another prescription.
I spend a lot of my life being humble due to mistakes being made, things being lost, etc.  It's a learned skill that I didn't used to have, but I've since developed it quite well over the years!
It looks as if the New York trip is ON, since I sent the money in on Friday...so I guess we're going!  Manhattan in April...just me and my daughter...wow...I'm so SCARED! 
I'm sure there was much more I was going to talk about, but since I'm falling asleep in my chair I'm going to wrap up this pitifully small entry and hope to do better later...after sleep...I'm always chasing after sleep and never seem to catch it!

New York in April?

My sleep patterns are all messed up...since my doctor put me on a million different medicines, my eyes shut at 11 p.m. ... and then I wake up at 4 a.m. ... and then I try to go back to sleep, and then oversleep...
And today, my daughter doesn't have school which SHOULD mean an extra hour of sleep for me (yay!), but instead, here I am, wide awake... :(
I've been way too busy lately...I can't help but think, if I had gone to school this semester like I was supposed to, how in the world would I be managing it?  Even scarier, how will I manage it in January?  Best not to think about things like that, though...Better to just blindly move forward and assume things will work out...they usually do...
Well, my daughter brought home, FINALLY, the information on this year's middle school field trip.  After last year's less than stellar time (for a recap, see here), I'd decided that it didn't matter WHERE they were going, we were not falling for it again.  The thought of watching my tender 12-year old girl be ignored by all the snobby girls who go on the trip (because, as we discovered last year, only the snobby girls go on trips like this, the regular nice girls stay home) is NOT my idea of fun.  But then she brings home this year's destination: New York City...
See, I'm weak, and a traveler at heart, which is a bad combination...
I've been to eight different countries and twenty-three different states...I've been to Windsor Castle and the Black Forest, I've been to the Badlands in South Dakota and Pikes Peak in Colorado...but I've never been to NEW YORK CITY.
So what am I going to do?  She's already begging me, "Please, pleeeaaaasssseeee, Mommy, can we go? Please?".  I've reminded her of how things went last time, but she keeps assuring me that the snobby girls don't matter, as long as we have each other (does my girl know how to work it or what? LOL!). 
I just have a bad feeling that I'm going to cave, what with her constant pressure and my avarice to go somewhere new.  Is caving such a bad thing?
I'm already going around humming songs like "New York State of Mind"...

I was going to post a quiz tonight, but I just can't...maybe tomorrow...
I'm going to bed...I might get six hours of sleep if I go right now...which of course I can't do if I'm sitting here...
It's been an interesting summer so far - not quite what I expected when it first began...
Last year around this time, my daughter had surgery and was stuck at home in bed, and for those few weeks I was off work to take care of her.  In spite of the hardship, we had a great time with it.  We spent lots and lots of time together...I discovered the huge expense of having to change bandages every day...but eventually we grew to look forward to that daily chore, because I changed bandages every night at 10:30 p.m., and we would watch X-Men Evolution together.  (I haven't seen this cartoon on lately, it was really great!)  She would lay on her bed and read, and I would lay on the couch beside her and read...sometimes we would read to each other.  When she got a little better and stronger, we borrowed our church's wheelchair and ventured out into the world...she eventually made a complete recovery, for which we were so thankful.
It's amazing that, sometimes, such hard times can hold such good memories. 
This summer has been harder than I expected, in different ways...I'm still waiting for the perspective to come to tell me what the good things were, and are, this year...I know it's there...it'll come to me! 

Wanted: Rest

I'm really hopeful that maybe sometime by the middle of this week I'll have some time to rest...
I fell asleep yesterday in the car in the parking lot at Meijer.  I held on long enough to park, and then I fell asleep.  My daughter was reading her book, and read for another five minutes before starting the, "Um, Mommy, are we going in?". 
I fell asleep at my grandmother's house yesterday as we were celebrating my mom's birthday.
I fell asleep in my boyfriend's car today, in the parking lot at Cracker Barrel, of all places...he let me rest until they called our name, then he woke me up to go and eat lunch.
I fell asleep again on the couch watching "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" with my daughter tonight, and finally in my room a couple of hours ago, while waiting for a website to pull up.
I have to go the dentist Monday afternoon for my final root canal appointment (I'm getting the permanent crown put in), and it's a safe bet that I'll fall asleep in the dentist's chair.
I've been so tired that I've been skipping writing in my journal and catching up with others, and I hate missing out!  Plus my housekeeping has gone by the wayside...
The main culprits of my sleep deprivation have been the birthday celebrating, and working on VBS (which ended officially today, to great success!), and work, and ferrying my daughter to softball AND volleyball practices AND games.
I think Thursday I don't have anything going on, I'm going to try and rest then!
Now to celebrate a successful HeroQuest, here is a look at the much-loved and coveted Bruce Lee poster:

Goodbye, Gray Zones

I hadn't recovered from our trip...as the days went by, I became more and more tired.  I had finally entered a new floaty state of exhaustion by Wednesday.  I fell asleep at stoplights, in a meeting at work, and in class Wednesday night. 
So I went to bed early Wednesday, and slept for eight hours last night!  Who knew the wonders that a good night's sleep can do for your disposition?  I should do this more often!
My daughter left her Lizzie McGuire CD in my car, and of course I listened to it all the way to work today.  It's so great, full of innocence and joy...it's all about experiencing the moment and taking chances.  You know, living.  It made me wonder about my own life.  How am I living?  Am I experiencing the moment and taking chances?  I don't think so.  I do a lot of stuff, and have a lot of interests, but I'm not experiencing any moments.  Everything is a blur, anymore.
I remember my first kiss.  I was 16 years old (late starter, I know).  It was springtime, outside at Iroquois Park.  I remember the time of day, the exact location in the park, everything.  My romance with the boy soon ended, but he'll always have a special place in my heart. 
It's just telling how I remember this so vividly.  In my mind, life seemed to speed up after that, through other relationships and experiences, to my present long-term attachment.  (I can hardly ever talk about my boyfriend in here because he would be mortified. He's taking my word that I won't discuss him, because he doesn't even go online, usually.)  But the speeding up is the same for everything, first kiss, first day of work, first day of school...
I don't want to be speeding up.  I don't want my life to be a blur.  I want to be able to wear gold instead of yellow!  (Well really, I stick with black, but you get my point... .) 
I want to experience every moment like it's the first time. 

I think it's time for Prozac

I woke up late today, but not too late.  6 a.m.  But I still didn't get myself ready to go to work.  I did manage to get my daughter up and take her to school.  I came back home and still had time to get ready and make it to work on time.  

Instead, I just sat there.  Finally, I took my shower, came out, and sat on my bed some more.  9 a.m. Finally, the moment came when I was supposed to be at work.  I had to decide whether I was not going, or going in for just a half-day. 

Finally, I hit upon the third option, just be late.  That decided, I called my supervisor, let her know, finished getting ready, and went to work.  I got there at 10 a.m. 

Since January 1 of this year, I've missed five days of work, been late twice, and left early once. 
I went on some shopping sprees and have, literally, dozens of new books that I need to read.  (Some people go shopping for clothes.  I go shopping for books.)  Now I can't stand the sight of them lying around.  They remind me of everything I have to do and that I'm not doing, and also the exorbitant amount of money I spent.

I could go on but I'm now more depressed than I was when I started.  This didn't make me feel better like I thought it would.  I don't know what my problem is, I just know that I'm in a major funk.

I do find it interesting that I've missed lots of work, yet I haven't missed a class this semester, and I'm faithfully going to the gym three days a week.  Maybe not that interesting, after all.  It just means that I hate my job.  Also definitely trying to do too much, between my extracurricular activities, and ferrying my daughter around town to her extracurricular activities. 

I just want to sleep.  All the time.

Sleep...

I don't get enough sleep.  I have to be up at 6 a.m. every day and I don't ever get to bed before 1 or 2.  By Friday I'm always exhausted.  

But usually, even though I'm dead tired by this time of night, I force myself to stay awake, and awake, and awake, even though I wish I could sleep all the time.  

Why is that?  Am I afraid to go to sleep?  Am I afraid to go to bed alone?  Or is it that I know when I go to sleep that means I will soon wake up and have to face another day just like the one I had before?