Happy Father's Day 2013

We had Father's Day for my grandpa today.  He was diagnosed with a brain tumor in December, had emergency surgery, then radiation, and has had lots of complications since then.  The doctor said this week that he has pneumonia again.  Is it because we went out of town last weekend?  I don't know, but I'm so grateful he's still here.

Popa, Father's Day 2008

My daughter never met her father.  I have the distinction of being one of those girls who managed to give birth AND get dumped by their boyfriend on the same day.  I was the clear winner, however, because that day I met the person who I would love more than anyone else in the whole world.

Michelle and Chelsea, 1992

I've always been a single mom, but not.  Chelsea grew up with me AND my mother AND my grandmother...and Dwayne and I started dating when she was four so she really had me plus two other moms plus a kind of stepdad. So I always had help, and HELP, but it still has always felt like me and Chelsea vs. the world.  I wonder if my mom felt like that with me?

Michelle and Chelsea 1994

Michelle and Chelsea 1995

Michelle and Chelsea 2004

Us, now

Big Scary World

Music: The Williams Brothers - Miss This World

I sometimes can't believe I'm here, in my pretty apartment on the hill with the woods behind me, and my daughter and my kitty and my big bed and even a fireplace (which I don't really know how to use, but it's there adding great atmosphere...).

But then I realize that it's okay, because things that are too good to be true, usually are. The other shoe is sure to drop sometime soon. But I'm really enjoying this wonderful life while I have it. I've waited a long, long time for this. It's thrilling to be able to look out a window at the trees and the sky, or step out on the balcony and look at the stars.

I'm missing too much work due to my migraines. Some days I can't even get out of bed, and medicine doesn't help, even though I take anything and everything to try and get rid of the pain. I'm sure my liver is on the way to being permanently damaged. I went to the doctor Friday and I'm finally being referred to a neurologist. Who knows if they can do anything for me? Is it all in my head? (ha ha - funny joke)

The point is... If I don't go to work, then I don't make any money, and I can't pay any bills. How can I live? Here? Mom and D can only carry me so far...

Wouldn't it be great if all the people I ever lent money to in my life would pay me back? I fantasize about that sometimes. People keep telling me I need to develop the ability to say 'no' when people ask for money, but I just can't... If they need it and I have it, I will share it. That's what He said to do...

I found a lump and I need to schedule a mammogram... I'm pretty worried. I just have a feeling, like, I dodged a bullet in December when I lucked out and found a great surgeon and didn't have to get a hysterectomy and didn't have cancer then, that now maybe I won't be so lucky. Okay, maybe I'm more than worried, maybe I'm terrified.

Happy Fourth...

My brother wanted me to make a CD to play during the $400 family fireworks show tonight...his special request was a 'Star Wars / Patriotic' CD, with the emphasis on the 'Star Wars'.

Didn't work...I played around with the playlist for two days, and mostly 'Star Wars' meant mostly BORING for 99% of our guests who would not be Star Wars fans.  I eliminated all but four songs from various Star Wars soundtracks, put a few Star Wars sound clips in, and the rest were some of my favorite patriotic songs.

I had to, regrettably, leave out Jimi Hendrix' version of the Star-Spangled Banner...I was told the senior citizens wouldn't appreciate it...

Playlist:

1. The Star-Spangled Banner - Whitney Houston

2. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Lightsaber

3. 'Star Wars' Main Theme

4. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars'...You must learn the ways of the force...

5. Song of the Patriot - Johnny Cash

6. America: Why I Love Her - John Wayne

7. 'Star Wars' Anakin v. Obi-Wan ('Revenge of the Sith' Soundtrack)

8. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Darth Vader breathing

9. Fourth of July - Shooter Jennings

10. America - Waylon Jennings

11. Some Gave All - Billy Ray Cyrus

12. America the Beautiful - Ray Charles

13. 'Star Wars' Duel of the Fates ('The Phantom Menace' Soundtrack)

14. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Do or do not, there is no try...

15. 'Top Gun' Anthem

16. God Bless the USA - Lee Greenwood

17. Coming to America - Neil Diamond

18. 'Superman' Theme

19. Ragged Old Flag - Johnny Cash

20. If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley

21. America the Beautiful - Willie Nelson

22. 'Star Wars' Yoda's Death ('Return of the Jedi' Soundtrack)

23. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' If you strike me down...

24. Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) - Alan Jackson

25. God Bless America - Celine Dion

I spent most of my time inside...my hand is killing me.  I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, I think I have some nerve damage in my middle and ring fingers.

The space shuttle lifted off!  It was beautiful...

p.s. I've told everyone I know about how Laura Ingalls Wilder spent one Independence Day in De Smet, SD...because nobody I know (except for me) has read her books.  The most significant part to me has always been where everyone at the celebration in town is able to recite the Declaration of Independence.

Insomnia...

I just cannot sleep...At first I thought it was because I was addicted to those stupid Lortabs.  So I quit taking them and then I still couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe it was withdrawal...but it's been a couple of days now...so I guess maybe it's just a permanent condition.  Or maybe it's because I'm so uncomfortable from the pain.
Yeah, that could be it. :)
I did get the cast taken off and the stitches taken out finally on Monday...physical therapy has commenced in earnest again and my life is happy just YAY! all over...
This is one of my favorite songs ever, it's been one of my comfort songs for about twenty years now...gosh I'm getting old...we all are...
The clues to a mild little depression are all around me...the utter disarray and clutter of my house, the unreturned phone calls, the unopened mail and the canceled doctor appointments... I don't know if it's because of the surgery, or if the surgery was just a convenient excuse.  If people hadn't been coming around to help me out, I'm not sure that the laundry or dishes would have been done.
I wasn't too far gone to make sure that my daughter and my kitty got fed.
Now I have three weeks left before I have to go back to work and it's like I've been given an ultimatum...get your life in order, get your mind in order, OR ELSE.
I close my eyes at night and try to go to sleep and all I see is a big jumble of all the stuff that I need to do and have failed to do in my life, stuff that I will never do and stuff that I will never get done and stuff that I will never hope to do and stuff that I BETTER do before July 10...
I don't think I can ever go to sleep.

lost entry...

am i falling for this again?...
i put my heart and soul into an entry, clicked save, and it disappeared into aol no man's land...
what was it about? something about the cast and stitches on my hand, and how it's affected my typing ability, and how i'm using my hand anyway even though i'm not supposed to and even though it hurts really bad, and we had major drama today and i'm tired of it and i'm having trouble getting out of bed, and how i'm falling into a deep black hole of depression again even though my medicine is supposed to prevent that and that might be a clue that it might need to be changed, and i ran out of heart medicine and oh yeah i was going to go back to bed and get under the covers and not come out again until things got much much better
and then of course my plans got foiled by stupid aol losing my stupid entry.
so i restarted my computer, took a walk into the living room and rescued my kitty and put her where she belongs (you know, in bed with me)
and wrote this
and whether this one works or not, I really am going to sleep now.  Tomorrow's Father's Day and we have to honor my grandpa.  I also have to call my dad.  Father's Day makes me uncomfortable for my daughter's sake...she doesn't have a father, never has had one...I don't know how she feels about it.  I feel terrible about it.

not today...

I've tried really hard to clean out my email in the last couple of days, at the expense of my arm, which is still in a cast after the surgery I had less than two weeks ago...it's kind of throbbing and in pain.  I'm trying to cool it on the Lortabs, though, because I was kind of 'yearning' for them last night...I'm terrified of becoming an addict. 
Since January I've had two surgeries and missed tons of work and took a mini-vacation to Nashville and a bigger mini-vacation to Washington D.C (for daughter's field trip).  The doctor told me I had a minor heart condition which explained why I was feeling so sick all the time and put me on all this different medication in addition to what I was already taking.  The new medication made me feel even worse but apparently 'the benefits outweigh the risks' or something like that.  My daughter squeaked through eighth grade and managed to pass all her classes...barely, but not with grades good enough to get into any of the high schools she wanted to go to, and we don't want her to go back to the private school she was going to.
So it's June and what I haven't done is find a school for my daughter.  I'm having money issues from when I was off work.  And even though I'm on eight million different medications, I still don't feel very well...
Everyone's mad at me all the time.  Well, by everyone. I mean my daughter, who is mad at the world - I think it's a teenager thing; my mother - who is just mad at me, constantly and always, ever, ever, and ever, I can't do anything right; and my grandmother - who is mad at me and my mother, because we are always mad at each other.  Did I mention that all of us live in two houses, right next door to each other?  This four generations of women very close in age, blood, AND proximity thing is about to kill me...
It's too bad I had to come back to my journal to whine and complain...I probably should have taken that Lortab after all, I probably would have been a lot happier! 
But D is still as strong and kind as ever...and my daughter is healthy and growing and sure togrow out of this mean streak some day soon :)...and my dear sweet adorable kitty is still the cutest little thing ever.  Well, maybe not so little anymore, we took her to vet and she weighed 12 lbs 8 ounces...she's very long and tall and furry, kind of like a horse...she's way bigger than the dogs across the street...but she's still the cutest!

I miss this...I mean, I REALLY miss this...

Even though I haven't written in over a month, I still create entries in my head...all the time... We went on the eighth-grade field trip to Washington D.C. last week, and oh! the things I (mentally) wrote about it!
The biggest obstacle is the surgery I had on my hand...I'm still in physical therapy twice a week and it's still pretty uncomfortable for me to sit here and type.  I had no idea the recovery for this would take so long!  And the doctor scheduled my second surgery for June 2...yay...
I'm trying to catch up on reading and commenting, at least...
Baby steps...
I miss this...

trying to find a way...

My kitty is sleeping, curled up on the floor beside me...
I just had some Tagalongs and a diet Pepsi... There may be a better time of year than Girl Scout Cookie time, but right now I can't think of it.
I've had lots of time for reflection since I've been off work...and lots of time for sleeping.  Sleeping and reflecting...
My daughter's grades and behavior have improved by great leaps and bounds since I've been off work.  It makes me so ashamed.  Obviously, a lot of her problems could have been alleviated by me spending more time with her instead of at work.  She needs me...I don't know how come I didn't see it.
When I go back, I'll have to cut out any overtime, EVER...I'll also have to make sure I start going in early so I can get off early and be home with her.  This is easy stuff that I could and should have done before now.  I'm also going to look into transferring to a job with different hours...enough said...
We just watched 'Elizabethtown' tonight...it's so strange typing that name out in full because, around here, we just call it E-town.  I vaguely remember when the movie was being filmed here in Loo-uh-vul because there were sightings of the beautiful people all around town...
And now I feel bad for not paying more attention when they were filming, or when it came out in theaters, because the movie ROCKS...and not just because it has Mr.Beautiful Orlando Bloom himself in it! 
This movie has everything that I love...it showcases my beautiful city and state and all the wonderful people who live here...it has awesome music...and it dictates the importance of The Road Trip.  It's MY perfect movie...
It even had Derby glasses.

aimlessly...

In the summer of 1998, I was laid off my job and spent the entire summer out of work...
So what did I do that summer?...The first time I had ever not worked since I was old enough to hold a job?...
Well, during the day, I enjoyed being able to spend my daughter's summer vacation with her.
And at night until early morning, I was online...EVERY NIGHT, ONLINE...on good old AOL, playing Trivia, lurking in newsgroups, and IM-ing with my big brother...
I remember that summer fondly!  But then of course, August came and I went back to work.
But I had forgotten how much I really enjoyed totally wasting my time online, until now, when I'm off work again and can't seem to tear myself away from the computer. 
So is the computer an efficient time-saver, or a total time-sucker?
:)
Today I reached my discomfort level with my stupid cast and had my mom take it off and redo everything.  The physical therapist last week had split it open so it was only in a half-cast, and something about the way she re-wrapped it was just killing me...
So when my mom finally got to the inner wrappings, you could see the indentations in my skin where the p.t. had wrapped it too tight.  No wonder it was bothering me so much!  Then I felt stupid for waiting so long before doing something about it...
But the incision is looking really good, no infection, and the bruising and swelling is down.  Yay!  And now I have it rewrapped and I am soooooo much more comfortable...thanks to Doctor Mom!
:)
My daughter's middle school field trip this year is to Washington DC...and against my better judgment I sent the deposit in for us to go.  I really can't afford it this year, but I talked myself into it because it'll be much less expensive going with a group as opposed to going alone.
(But the problem with going with a group is...you know, THE GROUP.)
This'll be my third visit to DC...it's been almost twenty years...I'm so excited!  Abraham Lincoln, here I come...

slighty loopy...

...that is my mood at two in the morning when I'm so tired and I'm vicodined up...
I don't know how much longer I'm supposed to be having pain from this Stupid Surgery but I've had quite enough, thank you...I planned on a nice vacation from work but instead all I've done is sleep, and pain, and sleep, and pain...what's up with that?!
One good thing...D and my mom and my grandma are all taking turns driving my daughter to school and back, and picking up anything I need at the store...they're not letting me drive at all.  Mom says it's because I'm still on pain meds and it would be too awkward one-handed anyway.  D is WAY less tactful and says the actual truth, that I'm a bad driver under NORMAL circumstances, and there's no way they can let me drive now...
Well...they can laugh at me and my bad driving all they want...I have a few weeks off of taking my daughter to school every day and getting in our regularly scheduled morning drive/fight, that means life is sooo much better!
Going to bed now...kitty's on my pillow...she's so sweet!

very exciting...

Had the surgery Friday morning... I've been in a drug-induced haze since then, except for now.  My hand was hurting so much that I took two of the Vicodins instead of just one and now I find myself wide awake.  But feeling no pain...
I have the next two weeks off work and I'm really excited about catching up with my journaling, one-handed and all...
I had no idea how much my job and the upcoming surgery was stressing me out, until now, with the surgery in the past and I don't have to worry about work for a while.  Pain and all, I am SO HAPPY right now...even with the resident thirteen-year old drama queen in the house...
Except that I'm not allowed to pick up my kitty right now...but she's still sleeping with me, so I guess we're still good!

Why so long...

12.45 am...
Kitty is curled up on my bed, asleep...
I'm having total pain and discomfort in both hands...
My surgery was originally scheduled for my right hand first.  But then a couple of weeks ago a cyst appeared on my left hand, which put that ahead of the right in terms of pain, so at my pre-op appointment Monday I switched hands on them.  
Just a few misgivings about the late switch, because as I went from one testing room to the other, they would say, "Okay, WHICH hand?"
I'm picturing waking up in recovery with BOTH hands done at the same time...or NO hands at all...
I had to go to physical therapy...I'm of the opinion that physical therapists are MEAN.  She's showing me the exercises that I'll need to do after my surgery and she's making me copy her and I'm in so much pain and then she asks me that stupid question..."On a level of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt?" 
I don't normally curse, but I really wanted to scream at her..."13, you %!#$!, is that what you want to hear?!"
I've totally slacked on my journals...I swear I'm trying to catch up.  It's just so hard to type when your fingers are numb and you can't move your wrists because it hurts so bad.
I'm turning thirty-three on the 7th and then I'm having surgery on the 10th.  I'm OLD and I'm falling apart.
I'm going to cuddle my kitty now...she's soooo cute!  She doesn't care that mommy is old...she loves me!
(Well really, I'm the one that feeds her, of course she loves me!)

A ray of sunshine, that's me...

My wrists hurt. My arms and elbows, too.
My hands and fingers are numb.I'm having surgery on my right hand on February 10.Who's going to do the vacuuming? Who will clean out the kitty's litterbox? Who will wash the dishes?The fact that I'm going to have to depend on my 13-year old daughter to do all this stuff is really, REALLY depressing...(sigh)You know, for being the sixteenth largest city in the US, Louisville really is like a small town...I'm listening to the afternoon anchor on the popular local news radio station this week...I happen to work with his sister. He's talking to the sports guy who comes on after him...the sports guy is married to someone I graduated from high school with. And then they start talking about the hot news item this week, who happens to be a friend of mine.Everyone in this town knows everyone else, I think...Anyway... my friend, who is also a well-known local radio guy, has been accused of faking his terminal illness, AND of mishandling funds for a charity that he set up.I am so frustrated with the media for implying this stuff...I'm even more frustrated with myself for letting a little kernel of doubt slip in to my mind at some time during the week...I must have let my guard down for a minute.Regardless, I KNOW my friend is a good person and I hate the fact that the media is making him out to be a monster. The media wasn't around for the MONTHS that he went through so many tests and doctors to find out what was wrong with him, before he was diagnosed. The media hasn't seen him have to walk with a cane...When I was laid off back in 1998, I wanted to go back to my previous employer. The only reason I have a job there today is because of my friend, who worked his second job in my company's HR department at the time and made sure that I knew about the opportunities open there, and made sure that my employer knew about my application there.I feel like kicking somebody...I really hate the media right now.(SIGH)I took the kitty to be groomed Saturday. This was the first time we've ever done that, and I'm not sure if we ever will again. We made our appointment at 11 a.m. and thought we would get to wait while they groomed her, but nooo...we had to leave her there and wait for them to call my cell phone and tell us when they were done.They didn't call us until 2:40 p.m. We walked in the door of the grooming place at 2:41 p.m.Yes, my daughter and I had been sitting in the parking lot just waiting for them to call us, for the last hour.I think we have a serious leaving-kitty-anxiety problem!

Good news and alternate news...

Yesterday was both much better than I expected, in some ways...but the news we got from the doctor wasn't as glowing as I wanted!
Her surgery was at the Children's Hospital, which we've never been to before...and now I refuse to go anywhere else!  Is is made especially for children, and it's all about making them comfortable, easing their fears, etc.  It was perfect!  The last time she had to get an IV she cried and cried...but yesterday, she barely knew it was happening, the RN doing it was so good.  AND they let her take Purr (stuffed kitty) back into surgery with her...they even gave Purr a matching hospital bracelet to go on her paw, with her name on it!  My daughter was thrilled by that one...
The doctor came out after the surgery and let us know that there were layers of layers of gunk that she hadn't expected...and that she found a tiny hole on the edge of the graft (that had repaired the previous hole)...and lots of granulation tissue (whatever that is, I didn't think to ask so now I'll have to remember to ask at the follow-up appointment!).  As she's not sure that the infection's completely gone, C will have to take eardrops for five more days, and oral medicine for another week, and then go back in for a checkup, and then they'll see if the tiny hole is still there...and if it is, she may need additional surgery to repair that.
And wow, we were NOT expecting to hear 'additional surgery' yesterday, that really bummed us out for a while...
So then we brought her home and she laid in bed for the rest of the day and we waited on her hand and foot, because the nurses at the hospital told her that we would (Thanks, nurses, I appreciate that! LOL)...
At the hospital, a whole troop of our family was there, me, and D, my mom, and my grandparents, and our preacher from church...
And when we got home, phone calls from my brother, my aunt, and her friends, checking on her...
And a balloon bouquet from my friends at work arrived at the door for her - that was thrilling!  She also came out of this with the new 'Incredibles' DVD (D bought that for her...).
I'm very grateful to have such a support system of people who love my daughter, it means so much to me.
p.s. As for how she's doing now...she was very pale the rest of the day...so pale it really had us worried and we kept trying to push food down here so as to get our rosy-cheeked girl back...she cried and cried last night with the eardrops, which the doctor had told us to expect they would sting a little...she's also having some bloody drainage which really freaked her out but she's a lot better now after I talked her down...this morning she was MUCH better, still a little wobbly-legged but back to rosy cheeks, no drainage, no fever, and so I sent her off to school.  She's doing great!