Sunday, August 10, 2008

Big Scary World

Music: The Williams Brothers - Miss This World

I sometimes can't believe I'm here, in my pretty apartment on the hill with the woods behind me, and my daughter and my kitty and my big bed and even a fireplace (which I don't really know how to use, but it's there adding great atmosphere...).

But then I realize that it's okay, because things that are too good to be true, usually are. The other shoe is sure to drop sometime soon. But I'm really enjoying this wonderful life while I have it. I've waited a long, long time for this. It's thrilling to be able to look out a window at the trees and the sky, or step out on the balcony and look at the stars.

I'm missing too much work due to my migraines. Some days I can't even get out of bed, and medicine doesn't help, even though I take anything and everything to try and get rid of the pain. I'm sure my liver is on the way to being permanently damaged. I went to the doctor Friday and I'm finally being referred to a neurologist. Who knows if they can do anything for me? Is it all in my head? (ha ha - funny joke)

The point is... If I don't go to work, then I don't make any money, and I can't pay any bills. How can I live? Here? Mom and D can only carry me so far...

Wouldn't it be great if all the people I ever lent money to in my life would pay me back? I fantasize about that sometimes. People keep telling me I need to develop the ability to say 'no' when people ask for money, but I just can't... If they need it and I have it, I will share it. That's what He said to do...

I found a lump and I need to schedule a mammogram... I'm pretty worried. I just have a feeling, like, I dodged a bullet in December when I lucked out and found a great surgeon and didn't have to get a hysterectomy and didn't have cancer then, that now maybe I won't be so lucky. Okay, maybe I'm more than worried, maybe I'm terrified.