Thursday, May 6, 2004

I miss everything...

I have a paper due Monday.
It's a final paper.  It's also 100 percent of the grade for the class.  All semester long our instructor kept dropping assignments and tests until he finally said, "Well, why don't you just do your final paper and that's all."
Easy for him, terrible for me.  I have performance anxiety.  I have writer's block.  I have a big dark cloud hanging over my head as the days tick by until the day it's due and I still haven't got it done.  I can't do it.  It's like my mind cannot connect the necessary synapses to write intelligently about this topic (Positive and negative aspects of Naturalist post-Civil War American literature).
And I haven't even been able to keep up with my journal and other journals I visit, because I feel so guilty about writing and commenting on AOL and not on my 14-page imminently due paper.
See? Right now, feeling guilt.
Also despair, fear, inadequacy...
I guess I'll end this cheerful entry now and go to bed.  I'll be back in top form by Monday, I hope, having written my stupid paper and going on with my life.
Why did I ever decide to go back to school?  I think I've lost brain cells, which explains the lack of synaptic firing and the making of bad decisions...


  1. God, i can understand exactly how you are feeling (as usual).  just thinking about the magnitude of that paper is enough for me to groan and shove it aside.  i would look at the blank paper and say "now what?"  its so overwhelming.  

    of course your prof has been saying all along, work on the paper, but who wants to do that?  not me.  i would've put it off just like you have.  

    i wish i had words of advice about this subject, but i'm afraid it plagues me as well.  i've been working on a social work degree, but i took this semester off because last semester i wrote SO many papers, i couldn't stand the THOUGHT of another paper.  and i'm most def not taking any summer classes either.

    i do believe an education is extremely important.  keeps the brain working and growing.  its all good.  but WHY do there need to be so MANY papers?!  can't there be another way to learn and present this info?  i don't even mind essay tests as long as the prof gives a heads up about what EXACTLY i should be prepared to talk about.  Once i start on a subject, i can usually ramble on pretty good.  A paper is different though.  You really can't "ramble", it needs to be clear, outlined, organized.  UGH!!!!!  Girl, i feel bad for you right now.

    Just remember in a couple of days it will ALL be OVER.  i'll be thinking of you!  (and moaning right along with you, trust me!  i can feel your pain!)

  2. Hang in there.  Take it from one who did the same thing at good old UofL, it all ends and then you have your degree.  Yea!  

  3. I know!  The thing is, i already have my Bachelor of Arts degree!  I'm going back for my SECOND degree, which I'm thinking more and more this week was a really dumb thing to do!

  4. Hi Michelle!!  Thanks for stopping by my journal:  This is My World!!  I thought your comment was very thoughful. That is the goal of writing these entries-if I help just one person all will be worth it.  It is a horrible nightmare to have to go through; one I wish didn't exist (big impossible dream, there-huh?)
    I am also back in school, so I know how you feel.  I am just taking prereqs, so I don't have any major papers due yet.  Working on becoming an RN, then my Bachelors of Science in Nursing.  Right now I am thinking I would also like to get a Doctorate someday.  I CAN remember how I felt when I needed to write one in high school.  At first I was overwhelmed, but once I got started the research was so much fun!  Writing the paper became easier as I wrote.  Once I started I couldn't stop.
    Don't stress yourself out over it--take a nice little break, don't think about it, and maybe when you come back to the paper, it will be easier to start, and/or finish.  (Not sure if it's been started or if you are completely starting from scratch.)
    Going back to school is a great idea, I too have felt a little dispair and questioned why; but I remember why I am doing it, so that keeps me motivated.
    Stop by my journal anytime!!  I'll be back to visit yours often.
    Oh, BTW, Happy Mother's Day!!   -Jan

  5. Ach du lieber.. this is why I won't go back to school.  I have enough stress in my life, without the added stress of papers and grades to deal with.  lol  I'm sure you'll make it through.  Sometimes it just takes that last minute push to get things like this accomplished.  Read up, do your research, be prepared, so that when your umph to write comes, you'll be ready.  And good luck!  :)

  6. Hello,

    I'm pretty new to journal land, and happened to notice that we share a few interests.  I'd love to find a nice online friend to chat with every now and then. If your interested, I'm here.


  7. Jan: Now that I have my paper done (as of 4 a.m. today!), I am feeling a lot better.  It's nice to hear from someone else who is also going through this.

    SloMo: Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.  It really, really helped me a lot when I was in the pits of despair this weekend!

    Angie: Nice to meet you!