Friday, November 29, 2013

Giving thanks #3; When the world's all as it should be...


So we were at Dwayne's parents' house yesterday, and Chelsea, Halie, (Dwayne's niece), Dwayne and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking.

"You know," Chelsea said, "I was looking at my pictures, and this is the exact same outfit I wore last year for Thanksgiving. Right down to my hair clip."

After we got done laughing, Chelsea continued...

"You know what else? This is also the exact same outfit I wore two years ago at Thanksgiving. Also, the same hair clip."

It was hilarious.

I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that brings out dysfunction AND humor at family dinners.

Dwayne's little brother, Jermey (yes, that is how it is spelled) has lost 150 pounds in the past couple of years, and in the process he's became a health and fitness freak.

Have you ever had Thanksgiving dinner with a recently converted health and fitness freak?

What happens is, you get a running commentary on everything you put in your mouth, interspersed with moaning and groaning about how he's eaten SO MUCH and he's going to run 9 miles in the morning to make up for it.

I heard the 9 miles thing several times.

And then this happened:

"Dude, you really need to look into acai berries. They really give your colon a good cleansing."

Really? While we're eating? LOLOLOL

So then we escaped to my grandpa's house where things were much, much worse.

We pulled into the driveway about ten seconds before my obnoxious big brother, who gets out of the car and says, "Now I KNOW we're late if we're getting here after YOU!"

He's so kind.

My mom's inside looking kind of busy so I stay out of her way.

Look...I'm slow and clumsy, and trust me, in times of high stress, she can be vicious. It's better for everyone if I DON'T HELP.

After the bad thing that happened last year, mom and Aunt Sondra decided to get turkey and dressing from Cracker Barrel and make everything else.

So Aunt Sondra comes in with the Cracker Barrel stuff and with Alyssa The Perfect, and things kick into high gear, and oh. my. gosh.

After everything calms down, everyone has food and no blood has been drawn, the analysis starts.

Mom: Next year, we're going out to eat. This is ridiculous.
Aunt Sondra: Well, when Moma was here, we all sat down, the food was passed around, and she didn't sit down until everyone got their food.
Mom: Well, I don't wanna do that.
Me: Yeah, and Moma never yelled at us.
John: Yeah.
Me: Yeah, you were really mean.
Mom: I know, I can't help it.

Here's where it gets bad, as if comparing my mother to my grandmother wasn't bad enough.

Me: You and Aunt Sondra are both really mean anymore.
John: Yeah.
John: You know what it is?
Me: What?
Me: Oh no.
John: (to the table at large) You two need to get a man!

I don't even want to talk about the discussion that happened after that.

So, Thanksgiving in a nutshell! The silent ones in these two venues are the ones who are nice and don't start trouble, including and especially Dwayne! 

As you can see, I am an instigator. The world sees me as silent and pure, but I'm really not that nice. I try, I really do. But when I see a pot, I have to stir it. 

That reminds me to tell you all sometime about the meeting at work this week...I don't know why I can't keep my mouth shut? What is wrong with me?!?!?!

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my two wonderful families (Dwayne's and mine), bickering and all! I am blessed and I know it!

Happy weekend!