Thursday, April 15, 2004

Midnight in Chicago

I brought my laptop along just in case I had time.  My beautiful girl crashed asleep as soon as we got back to the hotel tonight.
Going on a four-day field trip with a bunch of middle school kids (average age: 13) has been all kinds of fun so far. 
That was a joke.
I'm separate from the other parents, and I'm not quite sure why.  I have my theories.  A lot of it is on purpose, on my part.  I tend to hold people at arm's length.  I've always been a loner, but lately it's been rather extreme. 
Also, this is a small, private, Christian school that my daughter goes to.  The other moms are, for the most part, older than me and married, and they have short coiffed hair.  I feel massively inferior and different on this trip.  I was a mother at 19, I've never been married (though I have been with my boyfriend for eight years now, which is a very long time and I've heard the "when are you getting married" thing about a million times now), I haven't had short hair since eighth grade, and I don't usually wear pastels. 
Being separate has never bothered me before.  But now, I see my daughter going through the same thing with the other girls that did come on this trip.  I'm watching her, and she's separate from them.  And it really bothers her.
And it makes me feel terrible, because it has to be my fault. 
Chicago is such a great city and I hate to be feeling like this while we're here.  I don't know how to fix it, or if it can be fixed.  It's times like this, when watching her heart be broken is breaking my heart, that really makes me feel the loneliness of being a single parent.  I wish I didn't have to worry over this alone.
Hopefully Friday will be a better day.  We'll be visiting some of our favorite places, and I'll try harder to keep her company so maybe she'll forget that she was on the outside.  It's always about good memories.  What else will you have when it's all over?  This will be my mission for her for the rest of this trip.
I'll try my hardest.  Good memories.


  1. ((You see that your daughter is separate from them and it makes you feel terrible.  it has to be your fault.))   I hear you.  I hear every word and I feel the pain in those statements.  it rips at a mother's heart to ever see her child in pain.  IS IT YOUR FAULT?   fault is a tough word.  very tough.  i do believe she has learned your habits, because she loves you so much, she looks up to you and wants to be like you, so it is possible that she is imitiating you.  I think an effort needs to be made from you to try to break the pattern you have of staying removed from people.  If you attempt to overlook this inferior/ superior thing and try to just get to know these women for themselves, you just may find that things aren't what they appear.  They rarely are.  Those women might look at you and think you are superior to them.  Hey, you never know.  They honestly could.  Hey, its easy to sit here and rattle off advice.  Its much much harder to be on the other side of things.  My almost 11-yr-old son has many difficult behaviors.  Should I look at him and say to myself...."its all my fault, it has to be".   No, I'm not doing that to myself.  I used to.  Hell yes, i used to.  But i've come to realize that ok maybe i've made some parenting mistakes, but i'm working hard on correcting them & trying to be the best mom i can be.  So Eric needs to accept some responsibility for his own behavior.  Just like we all do.  Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Just try.

    ((I wish I didn't have to worry over this alone.))   You don't.  You never ever have to.  I'm here for you, Michelle.  I understand and can totally relate to how you are feeling.  Don't forget you also have your bf of 8 yrs there.  He will always listen to what's in your heart and mind, if he really loves you.

    Try to end the trip on a good no

  2. I was so very happy to see an entry from you today!  I've missed you very much.  I can totally understand how you feel about being a loner, and keeping people at arm's length.  i've done the same thing for a very long time.  

    ((I feel massively inferior and different on this trip))   {{{{{{michelle}}}}}}  You are not inferior to anybody ever, remember that!!!  You are not!  In reverse, what you are saying, is that they are superior.  Why? because they have short coiffed hair?  because they are older and married?  because they wear pastels?   Listen to the insanity of your thoughts for one moment!!!   So you are a single mom, hey there are LOTS of those around (take me for instance), nothing wrong with that.  You have been in a committed relationship for 8 years.  How many marriages can say the same???  Not many now a days.  You have long hair.....guess what?  that is super cool, because you know what?,  you are a woman.  Women should look like women, not poodles.  (smile, sweetie)

    continued below.....  (believe it or not I used up all 2,000 characters with this one)

  3. Hey, when are you getting married? LOL

    1. Haha. Do you know I STILL get this question? From my mom, my brother, my aunt, people at work. I'm like really? After 17 years together, can't you all just let it rest? LOL