Saturday, August 3, 2013

Keep your head up...

Lollapalooza is streaming live this's almost as good as being there.

Going to concerts, something I used to love to do, is a thing of my past. My life is work, home, sleep.

I feel like I live a false existence. I've always had a lot of things - I spread my interests around. Books. Art. Writing. Music.

But in the past few years, while my world crumbled, all of my things went away.

Who was I?

I'm not saying that we're defined by what we do or what we like...but it's been a struggle to stay awake when I bore myself to sleep.

I used to be able to sit in silence for hours...but that was my choice. When the choice was taken from me because my mind couldn't come up with anything, it was agony.

I've been building myself back up.

I thought books would come back to me first, because they were my first and greatest love. But books have been holding out on me. I can reread my favorites...and short stories are easy. But anything new that requires any deep thinking is still beyond me.

Art is a distant memory. My new self has shaky hands and blurry vision. I can appreciate art, but I can no longer create it.

The writing is coming back to me. It's unexpected...I thought I would be blocked forever. I don't know how long it will last, and I'm taking advantage of it while I can.

I miss my music. I miss it so much. My keyboard and my violin and my guitar all sit in the corner of my room, collecting dust. I haven't touched them in over two years. I CAN'T.

I would sit and play for hours. It seems like it's one of my biggest hurdles. How hard can it be to just grab an instrument and start playing?

I'm working on it.

Now I'm going back to pretending I'm at Lollapalooza... live feeds are wonderful things.


  1. Shaky hands and blurry vision? Would I ride a motorcycle designed by an impressionist? Monet painted what light did as his vision declined. El Greco might have been painting basketball players and not had astigmatism at all. Art is expression. Music? Carrying a tune is a terrible burden for me --I can't do it-- but I love music. It is sound sculpture. Live feeds, yes, can reignite astonishment. Brava, Michelle, it is progress!

    1. Hi Geo.,
      Thank you! You are always telling me things I hadn't considered.I thought my art was gone...I just have to look at it differently.
      And the live feed reminded me of how much I love outdoor concerts...It would be a major huge thing but I may try before the summer is over.

  2. When I read your blog, I was always anxious for you because you never slept. I went through a period where I never got uninterrupted sleep because of my son. I didn't read a book for years. I started again with young adult. (I also have a keyboard collecting dust in a closet.)

    1. Chelsea's been giving her YA books to me, but even those look too complicated. Hunger Games is something I would love to read...but no way. Maybe I should go even younger?

    2. Read "Wonder"...I think it is middle school, and truly wonderful.

    3. Thanks Susie, I will look for it!

  3. Watching people stumble out of Lolla this weekend I am not sure you aren't better off being at comfort of your own home.