Thursday, March 10, 2005

Darkness? ...

or, as the name of the Douglas Adams book: "The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul"...
Suddenly there's secrets back in my life, and I don't like it at all...I had secrets from long ago, of course...things I did when I was young and stupid that I wouldn't want discussed and that the people who know me today would never believe of me anyway.  But since I became, you know, a grown-up...or so I thought...I thought I'd be living my life without the need for deception.  Wrong! 
And I'm so !#$%^ tired it's hard to identify exactly where things have gone wrong so I can fix the problem...I definitely need a clear head for this one!
I don't know if it's secrets exactly...maybe distance, or a wall...I need sleep to figure it out...or maybe lack of sleep is the cause of the problem!
I bought my daughter's medicine again...because it was so close to the last time, the insurance wouldn't pay for it even though I explained we lost it.  So I had to pay for it in full...$120+...I'm keeping it under lock and key!  Very expensive, but well worth it.  She's doing wonderful at school and at home now...she's doing things like carrying on conversations with people, and studying and doing homework, stuff she just wasn't capable of before.  I feel so dumb for not realizing sooner that her other medicine had stopped working.  Dumb...
Every night I walk outside and I wish that I could see more than just the handful of stars that we's always followed by the thought that there are those who've never left the city and have never seen the REAL night sky, alive with stars and dominated by the Milky Way...those of us who know it's there, even if we can't always see it, are very lucky...
Beauty like that stays in our hearts and our minds, even when we don't physically see it anymore. 
Last thing tonight! or rather, this morning! Quiz I found in Angel's journal, which was first in Anna's journal...
Picture from Hometown  
Your inner soul is calling for help!  You always seems so depressed, lonely, and feel like an outsider.  You may have a cold, sad exterior, but in all reality you are hurt inside and are bottling up all of your anger.  Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left?  You used to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again.  However, you have yet seemed to realize that there are people out there that deeply care for you.  They secretly have a thing for you because they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest person in the world!  You like to enjoy your time by yourself expressing your feelings through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet sceneries that just dazzle your mind with awe.  Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where you can hide out, hidden from those who gave you all of the pain.  Try to loosen up and have some fun!  Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :)   
 What is your inner soul trying to say? brought to you by Quizilla


  1. You sound disturbed by the whole secret thing, I hope that gets sorted.
    $120 dollars for medication?  Blimey, that's a fortune!  At least it is working, wouldn't mind paying so much as long as it worked!  
    Get some sleep!
    Sara   x

  2. I know about secrets, and no doubt AT ALL -- there are things about me that you would have a difficult time believing.  We all carry skeletons with us, that we are ashamed of.  Is deception necessary?  Or is avoidance possible?  Go with avoidance as much as possible, then you'll feel less guilty for not being truthful.  It is your past, if you don't want to share it, then you shouldn't have to.  (((I love you regardless!!!  I truly do.)))  Nothing would change my opinion of you -- Nothing.  

    I am so very happy for C!!!!  What medicine is she taking that is helping her so much?  I understand feeling "dumb" because many times I've felt the same way over something.  Like "how could I NOT see that?  was I blind or what?".   Yep, I know.  Like I said in a comment a couple entries ago -- you and I share a whole lot.  We understand each other, and that is a blessing, in my opinion, because we can be there for each other to get thru these things.    We can hear each others' thoughts and say "that isn't true!!!" & it isn't bull, because it really ISN'T true.

    I LOVE looking at the stars too.  It makes me feel so infintismally small in this world -- like the bible says "we are like a grain of sand".  Isn't that the truth?!  The beauty we are surrounded with is awesome, if we just take the time to reflect and appreciate it.  I love how you are a deep thinker.  I think it's a wonderful, unique quality.

  3. Now about that quiz result -- isn't is spooky how it appears to be right on the button?  I was just thinking the same exact thing a day or two ago.  "Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left?" -- you are here because you are needed and loved and God has a special purpose for you and ONLY you to accomplish.  

    Until that is done, you are stuck here on planet Earth, and I, for one, am EXTREMELY glad that is the case!!  I would be DEVASTATED (I am NOT exaggerating) if ANYTHING happened to you.  Get rid of that filth invading your mind and soul -- You are Needed and Loved so Much more than you know!  Just like the above result says -- "there are people out there that deeply care for you." -- YES, IT IS TRUE, and I am one of them.   ((lots of love))

    & let me add -- you ARE the prettiest person in the world!!!  Your hair is to die for!  You are a beautiful woman -- not just on the outside where most people seem to judge others by -- but on the INSIDE and that is shown thru your appreciation for beauty (stars, sunsets, tree lined streets :-), as well as the HUGE amount of love you have in your heart and being.  Have I told you how Awesome you are lately?  No?  Then shame on me!!!  Because You Are!

  4. P.S.  Sorry for the LONG comments, I should've just sent you an email.  Now who is dumb?  :-)  Me, Me, Me.  I can hear you now -- You are NOT dumb, Anna.  LOL.  And neither are you, chick!!!  Sending you a whole lot of love, and keeping you, C, your mom, your family & D in my prayers.  

  5. (((Michelle)))  If there is anything I can do for you, you know where I am.  I understand how your are feeling.  The past, things we did in the past, can come back and haunt us...and believe me, I have lots of secrets too...I think we all do.  
    I am SO glad to hear that C is feeling so much better!!  I pray she just keeps getting better and better more and more every day.  (And stop being so hard on yourself!!! We as parents are NOT perfect!!  I have made TONS of mistakes)
    Your in my thoughts and prayers...and you know where I am!!!

  6. (((Michelle))) I don't know what more I can add...(Anna said it all (lol) She's totally 100% right! Hang in there sweetie. If you need to talk I'm here to listen!
    Love ya!

  7. Hope all is well.  I'm so glad your daughter is on the mend!  That must make you so very happy.

  8. Hi Michelle. Sweetie,believe me, if anyone who visits your journal, walks by you on the street, can say they don't have something they've done in their past they would rather forget about and hope others do too, then they are lying! We all have secrets. And you said the key words, you were young, weren't we all. When I think of the dumb things that I did when I was my kids age, I thank God everyday for the good kids that I have. I know from my past, it could be bad with them. I never got arrested, but not because I was real good. I was just real lucky! You hang in there. Your a good person! And if someone has stones to cast, remind them of thier own glass house they live in. Glad your baby girl is feeling better!

  9. I am so happy that this medication is working for your sweet angel....but why should you feel dumb?  The doctors should have caught the problem long ago.  But so glad she is getting better!