Saturday, October 26, 2013

I hate boxes, part five, or, We'll have the days we break...


At The Place, I learned there was a reason for my odd, anti-social behavior. I didn't have to be this way.

I even have a label: Adult Child of an Alcoholic.


The label comes with a list of symptoms, all of which I had.

I fought against it at first. Why me, and not my brother?

Because in families of alcoholics, we fill roles. My brother was the 'hero'. I was the 'lost child'.

Some people have said to me, "I don't believe in that stuff, Michelle."

That's fine, you don't have to! I can only tell you what I know:


  1. I know that I am an extremely repressed person. I've never been able to let go and have fun, ever, ever, in my whole life.
     
  2. I know that I keep my friends at a distance. I love them, I appreciate them, but I won't answer the phone and I won't return their phone calls. If I do talk to them, they invite me to lunch, I'm always vague...and then I can never make it.

  3. I know that I define the term socially awkward. If it shouldn't be said, I will somehow say it.

  4. I know that I'm a disappointment as a girlfriend. Dwayne's boss had a giant party on his yacht every year, and as a foreman, Dwayne was expected to be there, with...me. Only every year, I wasn't there. I was D's Snuffleupagus.

  5. I know I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was old enough to know what it was called.


These are all things I can work on, things that I can take medicine for. The big thing was identifying the problem and knowing the issues.

I haven't been as successful as I hoped to be since I got out. I had visions of being even better than my old self; not only being busy, but having real friends and not disappointing people for once.

That hasn't happened.

My depression has slowly eased back, I think. I also think the massive doses of TWO different anti-anxiety meds are doing the trick in regards to public places, because the concert was almost not that bad at all.

But I still don't leave my bedroom much except to go to work.

I just need to push myself out the door.

Just...go.

14 comments:

  1. Can you go to places where there aren't any people? Just for a start?

    I was amazed that you blogged from the concert.

    I hate the phone. I rarely answer it. Most people text these days anyway.

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    1. I know, I get irrationally irritated when people call instead of text anymore. And even texting back seems like such a trial...

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  2. Have your daughter change the locks, force you to stay out lol sounds rough indeed. Me, I prefer to be a hermit and stay at home.

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    1. So do I! Apparently it's okay for other people but not for me, LOL...

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I wish there was something I could do. I'm always here to talk to, okay? Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger on the other side of the world.

    You can do it. Just start small. We all believe in you.

    Xo

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, I so appreciate that. :)

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  4. I think we need to compare notes. All I can say is that I really do feel your pain and that you aren't alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, I'm gonna say the same thing back to you!

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  5. "Just keep going". I like that. I've been scared today for no reason. Reading that was stabilizing. You keep going too.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Geo.!
      The pensive, scared days are the ones I hate the most...I always wonder where they come from and why they're here.

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  6. I loved reading this. I love that you can share these things with us - yet another reason that I find blogging to be like a big ole family :)

    And I also define socially awkward. I have often said that my life is a continuing series of awkward moments!!

    Your introspection will take you far on your journey my friend.

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  7. I share a good fraction of that list... but it's weird how important context is. If I'm at work "talking shop" with colleagues, I can be natural and somewhat gregarious. But the second it turns to other social topics (or if people suggest going out to lunch or other kinds of socializing), I turn back into standard-issue introvert.

    "Just keep swimming..." :-)

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    1. Yes...when I read further, the socially awkward comes from not knowing how regular people acted around each other, because we've never experienced it. It's a little different in a work environment, because the rules aren't exactly the same. The minute the talk stops being about work and heads toward gossip, I'm the same way... :)

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