Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Forward and back

I successfully made it to work I think six weeks in a row, before I slipped and missed a week and a half this time.  When I fail, I fail big.  My first day back was today.  It's interesting living life on the edge.

And I hated myself for not getting there...and taking that step backward...not to mention the disappointment I could feel from my mom and my daughter and Dwayne.  Oh, the waves and waves and crushing waves of disappointment...

The only time I left my room in the last week and a half was to go the doctor.

So I guess it was nice to get out today.  It was really hard.  Once you fall back into the pattern of never leaving the house, it's hard to escape.

Every day is a battle.  If I didn't have a family that loves me I would have succumbed long ago.  But I do and so I keep fighting.


  1. I'm reading, Michelle, and learning. I find some things with which I'm familiar --the patterns, the struggle, the people who love you and the measureless satisfaction of loving them back. Such strength, such effort. For me, work was a pattern too, a compelling one. Then I retired. Square one. There's something like a Phoenix that must repeatedly rise from its own ashes --clearly an important pattern.

    1. You have such a way with words. I always say I can't wait to retire, but I really seem to do better with a structured I really do love my job. Hard to believe, I know, considering my track record, but I really do.