No. Way.

I can't believe today is my 40th birthday.
I'm the age my mother used to be when I was 20.  And now, my daughter is 20, the age I used to be.
What?
How did this happen?
And I've been drifting and dreaming the years away...
I want a pause button, so I can figure out my great contribution to society...time's just rushing on and on.
...
Then again, only John Lennon could write `Imagine`. It takes the rest of us to appreciate it.  

Hypocrisy is my middle name...no, wait...

1. My sweet adorable kitty is so cute, she follows me around like a puppy and does whatever I do.  But lately, she just lays around and sleeps all day.  Hmmm...

2. My shrink put me back on the scary medicine... okaaaaaay...

3. Did you notice it didn't get dark until 6 p.m. today?  The days are getting longer...

4. Today was my first of undoubtedly many missteps of 2013 - I called in to work.  I'm such a disappointment, I'm so predictable, yes yes yes I already know.  I just don't know WHY.

5. Hopefully the medicine will help.  If it doesn't drive me battier than I already am...

I feel so...stupid.

Get busy living or get busy dying...

`Some birds aren't meant to be caged.`

`Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.`
I will always be grateful for this movie...

More more more

I go back to the doctor on Monday.My new medicine that was supposed to help me get better actually had this unexpected side effect.
Auditory hallucinations...
Sheesh...I'm supposed to get LESS crazy, not get pushed over the edge.

Pressure, Darkness, Freedom

Popa and I heard it firsthand from Kris this summer - `Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.`

- And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

It's time to start being me again.

At least I got 3 hours in...

Why why why does my kitty wake me up at 2:30 in the morning?
Am I being punished?
I'm bad, right?:(I've been up for 3 hours and 20 minutes and I only have 25 minutes left to go back to sleep.  Arrrgggghhhh, BAD KITTY.

Baby, It's Cold Outside... I Wish...

I had a dream that Moma was still alive. I woke up and for a moment, I still believed it, and I was so relieved.  That meant that the last year had been a terrible nightmare.  Then I woke up, for real. 

I still have that same sort of vague, floaty mentality I've always had.  Will that ever change?  It's so much easier to float than it is to hurt.  When group therapy and the shrinks pinpointed me to a tee, it totally freaked me out.  How'd they do that?  How'd they know all that about me?

I wonder if anyone else gets tired of being who they are all the time... I wonder if anyone thinks I'm a big fake...or is that what everyone thinks?

Charade

    
I've taken the Ambien and am patiently waiting to fall asleep, fully expecting to not remember writing any of this in the morning. That stuff is scary.  And really scary when I take it with some Benadryl and a Vicodin.  But at least I don't wash it down with a whiskey...

Sleep eludes me anymore, without a pill.  Unless it's non-threatening catnaps, in the middle of the day.  Those are easy. The pressure of lying down to sleep 6-8 hours at night in the dark has gotten to be too much, without some help...

I'm not sure at what point I'm supposed to stand back up and do things on my own again.  The crazy place floated around the idea of a year...

It's been a short seven months and I miss Moma terribly.  I'll never get over the fact that she's not here anymore.  I was blessed with a very close relationship with the perfect grandma for the first 38 years of my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

100 words

I'm trying to get better.  I think I'm trying to get better. 
I don't know if I'm getting better.
I suspect I'm not getting better.
I want to be better.  I want to live.
I want to surprise people and defy expectations.  I want to feel.
I want to laugh and run and cry and breathe.
I want to shine on, and stay gold.
How do I get there?
How do I get better?
No hiding, no shame, no fear,
I guess.
I really don't know.
But I am trying.
I want to know.  I just need to try.
LIFE.

Numbness, denial, escape, self-medicate, run run run

I'm not that important.

I'm trying really hard to get better. Or I think I am. I have pressures and hopes and expectations weighing down on me. Just get better. Buck up. Get with it. What is your problem, anyway?

And I caught a glimpse of real life and maybe I don't wanna get better, maybe I'd rather stay in a nice fog, where my grandma isn't gone and my daughter isn't suddenly grown up and life isn't so ugly and dreary and hurtful.

I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now...

The summer of 1983, my parents moved me away to Obernburg, Germany, and I spent my first night there crying for my grandmother.

Now, 28 years later, it's the summer of 2011 and I'm spending the night again crying for my grandmother.

I didn't realize when I saw her briefly this past Saturday, and kissed her on the cheek, and said 'I love you, bye,' that it would be the last time we would ever speak.
I don't know how to do this.

Please carry me home...

Music: Patty Griffin - Not Alone

I hate broken ankles. I hate pain. I hate being confined to the house for weeks. I hate not being able to get comfortable. I hate being scatterbrained. I hate cliques. I hate cancer. I hate vegetables and fruit and ham and lettuce and beans. I hate insects. I hate Westerns. I hate my carpet. I hate bigotry and racism and homophobia. I hate war.

I love my family. I love my kitty. I love reading, and writing, and dancing, and poetry, and art and music. I love TV and movies. I love my iPod and my Sony Reader and my laptop. I love my blanket. I love the fall, and the winter, and the spring. I love trees. I love my brothers and sisters around the world even though I have never met them. I love God.

I try to love when I feel like hating. But I'm still hating things, especially cancer.

I need to be more loving, to make up for it. Loving is easy...it's everything.

Enough said....

Once upon a time a girl named Michelle fell down the stairs, broke her leg, and was never seen again.

No superheroes here...

Top Five Reality-Check Moments After Falling Down The Stairs
1. You realize that you're on the downside of 30, which means you have no coordination and your bones are brittle.
2. Even though you have a broken leg, you still have to get back up the stairs.
3. You really have no privacy in the E/R, as evidenced by sitting out in the hallway in a wheelchair the entire time I was there, while I talked to the doctor, they medicined me, and splinted me. In the hallway.
4. All those fantasies of breaking a bone so I don't have to go to work? STUPID...I forgot that broken bones really, really hurt.
5. People come to your house to check on you no matter how messy your room is. The usual method of avoiding company by pretending you're not home isn't really an option. Where else am I gonna be with my broken leg?

Always a struggle to be...

See John Glenn's autobiography for this exercise...

1. I am Michelle.
2. I am a mom.
3. I am a Christian.
4. I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin.
5. I am owned by a cat.
6. I clench my teeth when I'm stressed.
7. I clench my teeth all the time.
8. I am broke... or maybe broken.
9. I have no idea how John Glenn or the other astronauts managed to come up with 100 of these.
10. I am done.

To your hearts

Music: Come Undone - Duran Duran

My grandma's still in the hospital...last night she needed a blood transfusion. She seems to be getting sicker, the longer she's in there.
I'd rather talk about how amazing my grandma is...I've covered a lot of ground here, though, so I may repeat myself.

1. My afghan. You have to see it to appreciate it. It's huge, every color of the rainbow, and some kind of complicated pattern...Moma has made many afghans over the years, but mine is the most special and beautiful thing ever. You would think I was the favorite, it's that beautiful. She loves me, and every night when I sleep under the afghan she made for me so many years ago, I'm reminded of it.

2. My books. My parents moved me away to Germany when I was ten and it devastated me to be away from my grandma, and it devastated her, too. She sent me letters, and tapes, and books... Every single book was a special, huge classic book, with an inscription inside from her telling me how much she loved me. The Little House books, Little Women, Heidi, Ballet Shoes, and more, these books still populate my bookshelf, and remind me of the time when we may have been separated by distance, but she refused to let me forget how much we loved each other.

3. Travel. I've seen so many different places, most of it thanks to my grandmother. She herself has been to 46 states and nine countries. She decides she wants to see a place and just...goes there. And sometimes, if I'm around, I'm lucky enough to get to go, too. Otherwise, I might catch her when she gets back and she says, oh, I drove to so-and-so for the week, it was great. !!!

4. Hair. I have very long, curly brown hair. My grandmother is directly responsible for this, as she kept cutting all my hair off every time she ever got me alone. You can see in photo albums from my childhood when my summer-long stays at Moma's house were, because the 'before' pictures always showed me with long tangled hair, and the 'after' pictures were always me with short hair looking like a boy, with a very sad look on my face. I rebelled at eighth grade and said no more haircuts and I meant it, I've never had short hair again. And it's all her fault.

And she is still trying to this day, I don't think a conversation goes by without her mentioning haircut this or haircut that, or how good I'd look with short hair, etc. When my grandma doesn't get her way she never stops trying until she does get her way. Every conversation, every day, forever.

5. Inspiration. She didn't go beyond the eighth grade, but she studied and got her GED. She was the daughter of a tobacco farmer, born and raised in the holler, and she married and divorced and at twenty-two was a single mom. She made the hard decision to leave the babies with her mom while she left the holler and went north to work, and then when she had made enough to buy a house, she moved the babies and her mom up north to Louisville to live. My grandma was the original working, single mom, way before it became fashionable. She's the strongest person I know.

Yes, we just have to remember that...she's the strongest person we know.

Safe

Music: In My Arms - Plumb

My grandma's been in the hospital since Tuesday. She had her first and only chemo treatment and she still hasn't recovered. Her remaining chemo schedule has been put off indefinitely, and now they're talking feeding tube.

How did we get here? She was fine three months ago...

I guess I should say she seemed fine three months ago. Even then, the cancer was eating away at her, and we didn't know it.

I love a lot of people...my family, and my friends, and my coworkers...sometimes my heart feels almost too full when I think about all the wonderful people in my life. Sometimes I might get hurt, if I expect something from someone and it doesn't happen... but then I laugh it off, and forgive if needed. There's no room for resentment in my heart. It just doesn't go well with the love...

This has been a more disjointed entry than usual...I'm just finding it hard to focus lately, I guess. Worried, and disappointed. The world turned upside down when my grandma got sick, and it still hasn't righted itself.

Walking with hope

Music: For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

I came home from my accident today... crawled in bed... and I haven't moved since then.

Of course I know I'm being childish. I talked on the phone to my grandmother who is in the hospital for her overnight chemo treatment, and she was all, "Honey, it'll be okay," trying to get me to stop crying. I mean, we have bigger problems than that I am afraid to drive and I have no self-confidence behind the wheel anymore. You know...CHEMO TREATMENT.

I'm just overwhelmed by my sheer incompetence at life. I can't seem to get out of bed. Ever. Today is just maybe the last straw, Those 'depression' ads have started to sound kind of familiar, making me think I should call my doctor and look into getting that prescription, but I'd much rather stare at the wall, blankly.

I don't know how my daughter is getting to school in the morning, because I can't seem to move...

It was pretty funny, the guy I hit was calling the police and wanted to know what type of car I drove and I was so in shock, I had no idea. I just looked at him. He asked me again. I said, well, that's a good question. Wait a minute. Give me a minute. Of course I know what kind of car I drive. It's my car. Um. ... After a few more seconds of this (and don't ask me how come he couldn't just walk around the car and see for himself), he finally says, well, it's green, right, and I said, oh yes, it is green, and just looked at him again. Then he goes, it looks like a Chevy...

Sheesh! That's what it took for me to remember that I drive a Chevy Malibu.

Is it me? What?

Listening to: Star Trek:TNG

I had another wreck today...it's about that time of year, you know. I cried and cried and wanted my mommy, but I couldn't have her because today was my grandma's first day of chemo, so my mom was at the hospital with her, instead.

That about sums up my life the past few months: wreck, tears, grandma, cancer (Stage 4), chemo. Lots and lots of tears.

Lots of curling up in bed and just letting time go by. Nothing seems to really matter very much, anymore...

Family

My family... My whole life, whenever I refer to my family, it's always been my mom's side. I do have some family on my dad's side - cousins, uncles, an aunt - but my paternal grandparents both died when I was a teenager, and my dad, an alcoholic, drifts in and out of my life.

My family on mom's side, however, is extremely close and has been the same tight family unit for as long as I can remember. Mom (mom). John (brother). Moma (grandmother). Popa (grandfather). Edie (great-aunt). Aunt Sondra (aunt). Annie (cousin). The unit has of course gotten bigger over the years, first by me with the addition of my daughter and my SO, and then my brother got married and had my nephew and niece. Chelsea (daughter). Dwayne (SO). Carol (SIL). Johnny (nephew). Chloe (niece).

So for all of my 36 years, I've experienced the joys of a close family... The now thirteen of us not only gather for every birthday, every holiday and every summoning by my grandmother, but we also travel, en masse, every year to vacation together for a long weekend to coincide with our family's Decoration Day at our ancestral home. These have been our traditions forever. I can only vaguely remember when our family unit included one more, my great-grandmother (Ma), who lived one street over and died when I was seven. My grandmother still calls her Mommy and cries when she talks about her.

Another of the hard times our family endured was when my dad was stationed in Germany for three years and took us with him. I cried for my grandmother every night for a week, but from what I hear, my grandmother took it much worse, having her babies so far away. My aunt got pregnant and had a baby and my mom, her sister, was an ocean away and couldn't be there with her. My brother graduated from high school in Germany but my grandmother crossed the ocean and came to Germany for that one!

When I graduated from high school and again, from college, my whole family was there to see me. I have been so lucky, my whole life, to have been blessed with my family, no matter how infuriating and annoying I may sometimes find them. They are family, you know!

And since this is Kentucky and everyone has kids when they're teenagers, my grandparents are only 75 and 79 years old. I've been expecting to have at least fifteen more years with them.

So when Mom told me that Moma was being tested for ovarian cancer, it was really the last thing I ever expected to hear.

Retrospect

November:

My pretty bought-new UK blue car broke to pieces when I hit that tree, and after more than a month of waiting and then car shopping, I ended up with a brand new used car...

I had bought my last two cars new, both, again, UK blue... but nowadays, times are tough and I had to go for used only, with what the insurance paid off when they totaled out my car.

So my mom and my grandma are out looking for cars while I'm at work, and one day they call and tell me they've found my car and they've had my mechanic check it and all they need is my social security number...

So now I have a little nondescript dark green car, and it looks like every other car in the parking lot. It doesn't stand out like my pretty bright UK blue car did! But that's okay, because I'm in love with the inside of it. It's an LS, nicer inside than any of my new cars ever were, and best of all, the stereo is awesome...

Which is really all I care about. I always offer my car to drive anywhere now, because of my really cool stereo. I LOVE my stereo...

Yeah, I offer my car to drive - not me driving. Other people drive my car alot. I don't wanna drive, and for some reason, people don't seem to want me to drive them around... I can't imagine why...

December -

By December I'm so tired I can barely make it in to work. My arms get tired just blow drying my hair and folding clothes. Once I'm down, I'm down... at home that means going from my bedroom to the kitchen is impossible, and at work that means going from my desk to the breakroom is impossible.

My brain finally remembered that I felt this way a year ago and my anemia had gotten really, really bad... It took me a while to catch on because this year I didn't have any symptoms exacerbating it like I did last year.

So I start taking some over the counter iron pills, but they're not helping...

January -

Cyst on my neck. Surgery to remove it. Stitches. Scar. Ow. At least it's benign.

Oh, and the doctor tested my blood, said my anemia has my blood count almost down to the levels it was last year (8), and got me off the stupid self-medicating and on some proper pills.

My post-op check was delayed by the ice storm that knocked out everybody's power for a week and destroyed all the trees.

Yeah, first the windstorm caused by the hurricane, and then less than six months later, we have the ice storm.

At least all those generators everybody bought the first time around got put to good use....

But I can't stand to see all the broken trees.

February -

Birthday time. After last year's debacle I said, no birthday party. So when my aunt called to let me know that the time of my birthday party had changed, I figured out quickly that my mom had planned it against my wishes...

So, halfway through the party, celebrating it the day after my birthday, with one family member having left the house in anger and walking aimlessly around the neighborhood, and another family member in the kitchen talking angrily about leaving and how they shouldn't have even came, there was me in my mom's bathroom crying and desperately wishing to go back to the day before.

My mom came in there and told me she was sorry, she knew I had said no party, and next year we would just go out of town.

Cool. Or, how about, just. no. party.

On the up side, I'm feeling much, much, much better. The doctor's prescription for my anemia has worked like magic. I'm actually able to go for walks now...

This time, I'm going to keep taking the pills even though I'm feeling better. I've been anemic since I was a teenager, and have gone through spells ever since of my iron dropping to really low levels, but never like it has the past two years.

Take your medicine! It's my new motto... I'm not getting any younger, obviously, with the way these dreaded birthdays keep coming around...

After the Fact

Music: Robbie Williams - Eternity

My air conditioning's kind of broken.

Yes yes, I know it's November, but it's too hot. It's a second floor thing, I guess. Heat rising and all that.

I made C watch 'Footloose' and 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' with me today. Expanding her pop culture horizons. The first sixteen years of her life she only watched Nickelodeon and Disney channel, so she has a lot to catch up on.

My dad used to make me sit through John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Audie Murphy...and I'm a girl! This has to be way more fun for my daughter! We watched 'Dirty Dancing' last week and she didn't complain...hardly at all.

I haven't bought a replacement car yet. That's because the insurance company hasn't sent my check yet. Tomorrow will be 35 days since my accident. It's a red tape thing. I could have walked to Indiana, collected the document they are waiting on, and then hand delivered it to their headquarters in Maryland by now. Twice.

I have to go get some more cold water from the freezer, let's hope the temperature drops drastically tonight...

Roses

Music: Eminem - When I'm Gone

I brought my old journal over and it's here: http://rememberinggraceonce.blogspot.com/...

Don't much feel like journaling tonight...headache.

I did have some pretty good drugs for about a minute, between my car wreck and going to the dentist for a root canal... but then people found out I had the medicine, and they were coming out of the woodwork. There should be a song out there titled, "Everybody's Your Best Friend, When You Have Narcotics!".

So I gave almost all my Vicoprofens and Flexerils away, and now I have a massive migraine and my neck's hurting and I sort of wish I hadn't been so generous.

I really don't wish that. I just sometimes get the feeling that people are taking advantage of me.

It doesn't matter...anything I have that I lend or give was never really mine to begin with.

Forever and ever

Music: The New Amsterdams - Hanging On For Hope

I totaled my car the first of October, on the way to taking my daughter to school, less than five minutes after leaving home... The road I live off of is a tricky one, it's very curvy and hilly and scary at night, and everyone who's ever grown up in Louisville calls it 'Hot Rod Haven'. And for goodness' sake, I've been driving this road ever since I started driving and I KNOW to slow down on that one curve when the road is wet, but my daughter and I were having a lively discussion (the kind that mothers and daughters get into some mornings).

The next thing I know, I'm fishtailing right, then left, then careening off the road, through the brush, under the trees, then right into a tree. We came away with scratches, bruises, a wrenched neck (mine), and a truly impressive black eye (my daughter's). My car was a goner.

So now the bruises are faded and we're all healed up although I'm kicking myself for not getting a picture of C's black eye at it's most colorful. My neck is still giving me pain but I'm taking it as penance for being what must be the WORST DRIVER IN THE UNIVERSE. This makes at least the SIXTH REPORTED accident which was MY FAULT in my life - reported meaning I've had to call the insurance company. And I've only been driving for eighteen years.

I think I can do the math. That's an accident every three years. And that's only REPORTED accidents. That's not counting the time I hit the man on Dixie highway and messed up my car but it didn't hurt his truck so he told me to go on, or the time I hit the man in the parking lot at work but it didn't mess up his car so he told me to go on...

So I admit it, I'm a terrible driver, and I really, really, really don't want to be driving... I need to just have my own driver so society can breathe easy now that I'm no longer out there on the roads.

And as much as I don't want to be driving, my daughter REALLY doesn't want me to be driving anymore. We're still in the rental car waiting on the check from the insurance company. And every morning on the way to school, the litany starts as soon as we pull out onto the road... "Please slow down... Please put both hands on the wheel... Please pay attention to the road..." I've turned my daughter into a nervous wreck when she's in the car with me.

But my airbags deployed and the window shattered and the front end buckled and still my daughter and I walked away from that car in one piece. Even though I'm a terrible driver, I have so much to be thankful for.

So, so much to be thankful for.

I'm ready for the madness...

Music: The Cure - Just Like Heaven

I'm going down to Lexington tomorrow to stand in line for my midnight madness tickets... only it's not midnight madness anymore, it's BIG BLUE MADNESS, and for the last few years I've had my tickets given to me by friends and I haven't actually earned them like a REAL fan by standing in line all night like you're supposed to... It's time for me to Earn My Tickets.

Of course if I was a real, raging lunatic fan, I would have gone down there Tuesday with a tent like my friend's husband did... But since I don't have any vacation days because I used them all up by the middle of February, that wasn't really an option.

I should really be going to bed now, since I'll be up all night tomorrow... but I'm just so excited...

It has to be said, I can't help it, even though there's no game, and not even a practice, it's still basketball time, so...

Go Cats!

Pillows and Empty Spaces

Music: Angels & Airwaves - The Gift

We are not supposed to have hurricanes in Kentucky.

I mean, did Ike even bother to look at the map? We are way up in the middle of the continent... we get a little rain sometimes from the hurricanes, but that's supposed to be it.

But nooo, Hurricane Ike blew through here Sunday, still packing hurricane force winds, and brought my city to a standstill like I haven't seen since the Great Blizzard of '94.

And it didn't even rain... with wind alone Ike managed to knock out 75% of the city's power, bring down hundreds of trees and power lines, and get the kids off school for the whole week.

I finally got to go back to work yesterday when they got the power back on (yippee!), and found a gas station near work that actually has gas, so things are looking up. My neighborhood is still completely in the dark, and the problem is food... we've been living on peanut butter and soup and I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY, considering going for these free food rations they keep saying they're giving out downtown and at the fairgrounds.

But even though lots of neighborhoods are still in the dark, and that's fine, there is that big huge golf thing starting tomorrow in town, the Ryder Cup... hopefully all the electricity around that event is back on! And I'm not being the least bit facetious about this...

So, this year, we've had an amazing ice storm... a rockin' earthquake... and Hurricane Ike. This is not North Dakota, California, or Florida. This is KENTUCKY, we have it all.

Big Scary World

Music: The Williams Brothers - Miss This World

I sometimes can't believe I'm here, in my pretty apartment on the hill with the woods behind me, and my daughter and my kitty and my big bed and even a fireplace (which I don't really know how to use, but it's there adding great atmosphere...).

But then I realize that it's okay, because things that are too good to be true, usually are. The other shoe is sure to drop sometime soon. But I'm really enjoying this wonderful life while I have it. I've waited a long, long time for this. It's thrilling to be able to look out a window at the trees and the sky, or step out on the balcony and look at the stars.

I'm missing too much work due to my migraines. Some days I can't even get out of bed, and medicine doesn't help, even though I take anything and everything to try and get rid of the pain. I'm sure my liver is on the way to being permanently damaged. I went to the doctor Friday and I'm finally being referred to a neurologist. Who knows if they can do anything for me? Is it all in my head? (ha ha - funny joke)

The point is... If I don't go to work, then I don't make any money, and I can't pay any bills. How can I live? Here? Mom and D can only carry me so far...

Wouldn't it be great if all the people I ever lent money to in my life would pay me back? I fantasize about that sometimes. People keep telling me I need to develop the ability to say 'no' when people ask for money, but I just can't... If they need it and I have it, I will share it. That's what He said to do...

I found a lump and I need to schedule a mammogram... I'm pretty worried. I just have a feeling, like, I dodged a bullet in December when I lucked out and found a great surgeon and didn't have to get a hysterectomy and didn't have cancer then, that now maybe I won't be so lucky. Okay, maybe I'm more than worried, maybe I'm terrified.

And on, and on...

Music: The Weepies - The World Spins Madly On

I've been here over a year now, and I have to say that one of my favorite things about living here is the ride home from work. I've only moved about five miles away, but it's a huge difference... Now I drive home through the park and up and around the back way, up and up the hill, with the trees and the streams and the winding roads. In the past year I've seen deer and chipmunks and enjoyed the seasons change like I never have before.

The absolute best was in the days after the ice storm, when the way home was transformed into an icy sparkly wonderland. And the tree out front was bent completely over by the weight of the ice, the top of it touching the ground. I didn't think it would ever recover, but it has, now standing as tall and skinny as ever.

I'm really happy here. I can see the woods from my bedroom window, and hear the bullfrogs at night.

The peace is only sometimes shattered by the temperamental teenage girl who also lives here. My sweet baby girl turned into a beautiful fifteen-year old (sixteen this month, gulp!) with a (gulp!!!) boyfriend in this past year...hmmm...any correlation between this and my headaches?

So that's who we are now, me, my beautiful daughter, and my wonderful kittycat who just adores me and sort of, you know, hisses, at everyone else, including my poor boyfriend who keeps plying her with treats trying to get himself in there. Our happy family...

Green Green Green

Music: Paramore - Pressure

I'm flipping through the channels, shivering under the blankets with me, myself, and my migraine, and suddenly on the TV there's green grass and bam!, I'm hypnotized because it's Wimbledon and it doesn't matter that I haven't watched tennis in a year...what is it about that green?

I went to work yesterday, headache and all. They were happy to see me.
It was the first time I'd left the house in six days.

Gotta go...headache, hurting, pain...back to bed...

Second Chance...

Music: Solomon Burke - Cry To Me

It's 3 a.m. and I'm suffering through another marathon migraine... I really, really hope that this migraine is what is bringing on this terrible melancholy I'm feeling tonight. I mean, I take medicine for this, I'm supposed to be in a nice vague happy daze all the time.

Instead, I'm melancholy and jittery and stuck in despair and I can't stand myself and thinking about the horrible things I've done in the past.

All I have to say is, thank goodness for my cat. It's hard to remember that you're stuck in despair when the kitty cat just tried her best to get between you and the keyboard, and, failing that, sat up on the desk, scratched behind her right ear and sent fur flying, then leapt to the bed and is now laying on her pillow (yes, the pillow next to my pillow), imploring me to come to bed and stop this 3 a.m. nonsense.

Bossy kitty. G'night.

Outside

I've moved and I no longer have a purple door...
But now I live on a hill and there's woods behind me and the view is so wonderful.
My daughter, my kitty and I are living here in varying degrees of contentment.
I'm very happy here, but it's been almost two months and it's still not. quite. home.
All daughter needs is her phone, her laptop, her iPod, and her sketchpads, and she's her usual surly mean self. 
Well, surly and mean to ME, anyway... all of her nice and sweet-ness is used on her friends. 
I thought my kitty was settling in fine, until this week when she went pee-pee TWICE on my bedroom floor.  I had to reread all my cat books, and now I'm worried that she's depressed about the move.
She HAS been meowing a lot, lately.  And asking for a lot of extra treats.
What?  You think that I've spoiled her?
Absolutely... she deserves it!  She's way nicer than the other adolescent who lives here.
I'm tired now...
It took a lot out of me to write this little bit.
I think the anti-depressants I take are the reason I can't write anymore.

how things fall

I got DSL and so went to free AOL... and now I love my fast access but HATE free AOL.  That's the biggest reason why I never get to check my email anymore or update my journal or keep up with my dear friends' journals... I want my regular AOL back but I don't want to give up fast music downloading to get it..
I had taken my daughter out of the small private Christian school she'd gone to for elementary and middle school and put her in a big public high school for ninth grade, positive I'd made a good decision, and WOW, I was way wrong on that one.  By December she was on her way to failing every class except History, and she was begging to go back to the school that she formerly couldn't wait to get away from.  She witnessed fights and other icky things and would come home every day just kind of shell-shocked...poor thing.
Oh yeah...How did she get an 'A' in History? Well, let's see, first, the class read Lord of the Flies.  And then, for the rest of the semester, the class watched 'Lost'.
Yes...that's correct.  You heard me right.  That was History class.  They watched an episode of 'Lost' every morning.
Is it relevant that her History teacher also happened to be the football coach?
So...
During Christmas break, I made my decision to take her out that school and homeschool her instead, which is what I really wanted to do in the first place back in August but I allowed myself to be talked out of it.  It really isn't very practical because I do work 40 hours a week and I am a single mom but I just couldn't let her go on like that...
So what's going on now is that I'm really, really, really, really busy.  And I'm trying to do way too much and I feel like I'm not getting anything done at all, and I'm worried that I'm not doing my daughter justice, and I worry that she's not getting enough exercise, and that she's not getting a good enough education, and that she's spending too much time online, and that I'm not spending enough 'just us' time with her, and that she resents me too much to ever get over it, and I worry worry worry all the time.
I take lots of medicine, and coincidentally, lots of Pepcid Complete (Cool Mint).  That's my commercial for the evening.

yes... i'm still here...

I can't believe I flaked out and left my poor journal alone all this time...
But in my defense, I did THINK about writing here for the past two months...I just never made it that far...
I've been trying to keep up reading journals, but couldn't get up the gumption to write there, either.
What have I been doing?
(song change: Tell Laura I Love Her - Sha Na Na)
1. Dr.Will just got voted out of the Big Brother house and I'm devastated, even though I knew it was coming...(because I'm one of those internet losers who watch the live feeds)...I've been singing his praises for five years since BB2 and I can't believe boring whiny Erika took THE MAN down! (Janelle traded one puppet master for another...)
(song change: Hero - Nickelback)
2. D and I went to Nashville for the weekend and stayed at the magical hotel down there, and we went to the Opry... I've waited my whole life to go to the Grand Ole Opry, right?  But we went to our seats in the balcony and it was really dark and I fell right asleep... ASLEEP!... D had to nudge me awake, like, fifteen times, I was so out of it.
I did wake up for VINCE GILL, though... He's such a cool guy...
(song change: My Name Is - Eminem)
3. I went back to work, finally, after two months on disability ... (sigh) ... Don't you love when you're not at work for two months and no one does your job and when you get back you can't even see your desk, because, NO JOKE, there are piles of work covering it three-feet deep?!
4. I took C to see the American Idols concert at the fair a couple weeks ago...it was only a tiny bit cheesy...okay, maybe moderately cheesy...but Chris Daughtry ROCKED the house, so I was happy. :)
(song change: He's Alive - Dolly Parton)
5. I got C's schooling figured out and all I can do now is wait and hope that things go well this year.  I took her out of the private school she was going to and enrolled her in a HUGE public school down the road, and so far her freshman year of high school is working out very well.  The size of the school is a plus...for the first time in her life she is blending into the crowd and not being singled out and made fun of all the time.
I wanted to homeschool her... I REALLY wanted to... but ultimately I didn't think I could do it because I'm a single mom who works 40 hours a week.  I mean, I could have done it, but I don't know if I could have done it WELL.
I'm just trying not to second-guess myself... and I'm praying very hard that she'll be happier and healthier this year.
(song change: When It Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin)
6. Like everyone else who watches Animal Planet, I can't believe Steve Irwin is gone.  My heart goes out to Terri and their two children.  It's just so sad.
(song change: While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles)
7. I think I've just summed up the last two months of my life...
8. My present state of mind is...dependent on whether I've taken my medicine or not.  I'm trying to do better.
and...
9. D is wonderful... C is, um, teenager-ish (mean/nice/mean/nice...), but still wonderful... and Josie the Cat still rules the house. 
Seriously, the kitty really does rule the house...she's very spoiled but soooo affectionate (to me, anyway...she has some issues with D...), and she's so soft and cuddly...I love my kitty.
(song change: Hero of the Day - Metallica)
10. grasping at straws now...what's one last thing so I can make ten?... oh yeah... I'm reading Ender's Game again...for the twentieth time or so.  What did I ever do before I discovered this book? (circa the summer of 2000)?  
For the last six years, I've tried to have everyone I know read this book at least once...
:) 
I'm kind of annoying like that, sometimes...
(song change: Kentucky Rain - Elvis Presley)
I just looked at my song list and realized what a redneck I really am...closet redneck with a degree in Philosophy maybe...but a redneck nonetheless.
I AM from Kentucky, you know...

None...

Thursday my mother told me that I "should never have been a mother."  She said that I should look at C's room and at the way C is and it's obvious, I should never have been a mother.
I've spent the last two days in a strange state...I can't explain it.  Hearing my mother say something so hurtful, and so hateful, to me was devastating. 
At first I was asking myself, did I deserve that?  I really don't think I did...that was just a really mean thing to say to me.
Then I started asking myself if she was right...
As a single mom to a child with a disability like C has, I ask myself every single day if I'm doing okay...I question every single decision I make.  I know I've made some wrong ones.  But I really don't think I've been a bad mom.
But my mom thinks I have been.  And I can't do anything more than I already do.  I'm just me.
She broke me when she said that.

Happy Fourth...

My brother wanted me to make a CD to play during the $400 family fireworks show tonight...his special request was a 'Star Wars / Patriotic' CD, with the emphasis on the 'Star Wars'.

Didn't work...I played around with the playlist for two days, and mostly 'Star Wars' meant mostly BORING for 99% of our guests who would not be Star Wars fans.  I eliminated all but four songs from various Star Wars soundtracks, put a few Star Wars sound clips in, and the rest were some of my favorite patriotic songs.

I had to, regrettably, leave out Jimi Hendrix' version of the Star-Spangled Banner...I was told the senior citizens wouldn't appreciate it...

Playlist:

1. The Star-Spangled Banner - Whitney Houston

2. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Lightsaber

3. 'Star Wars' Main Theme

4. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars'...You must learn the ways of the force...

5. Song of the Patriot - Johnny Cash

6. America: Why I Love Her - John Wayne

7. 'Star Wars' Anakin v. Obi-Wan ('Revenge of the Sith' Soundtrack)

8. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Darth Vader breathing

9. Fourth of July - Shooter Jennings

10. America - Waylon Jennings

11. Some Gave All - Billy Ray Cyrus

12. America the Beautiful - Ray Charles

13. 'Star Wars' Duel of the Fates ('The Phantom Menace' Soundtrack)

14. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Do or do not, there is no try...

15. 'Top Gun' Anthem

16. God Bless the USA - Lee Greenwood

17. Coming to America - Neil Diamond

18. 'Superman' Theme

19. Ragged Old Flag - Johnny Cash

20. If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley

21. America the Beautiful - Willie Nelson

22. 'Star Wars' Yoda's Death ('Return of the Jedi' Soundtrack)

23. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' If you strike me down...

24. Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) - Alan Jackson

25. God Bless America - Celine Dion

I spent most of my time inside...my hand is killing me.  I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, I think I have some nerve damage in my middle and ring fingers.

The space shuttle lifted off!  It was beautiful...

p.s. I've told everyone I know about how Laura Ingalls Wilder spent one Independence Day in De Smet, SD...because nobody I know (except for me) has read her books.  The most significant part to me has always been where everyone at the celebration in town is able to recite the Declaration of Independence.

Insomnia...

I just cannot sleep...At first I thought it was because I was addicted to those stupid Lortabs.  So I quit taking them and then I still couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe it was withdrawal...but it's been a couple of days now...so I guess maybe it's just a permanent condition.  Or maybe it's because I'm so uncomfortable from the pain.
Yeah, that could be it. :)
I did get the cast taken off and the stitches taken out finally on Monday...physical therapy has commenced in earnest again and my life is happy just YAY! all over...
This is one of my favorite songs ever, it's been one of my comfort songs for about twenty years now...gosh I'm getting old...we all are...
The clues to a mild little depression are all around me...the utter disarray and clutter of my house, the unreturned phone calls, the unopened mail and the canceled doctor appointments... I don't know if it's because of the surgery, or if the surgery was just a convenient excuse.  If people hadn't been coming around to help me out, I'm not sure that the laundry or dishes would have been done.
I wasn't too far gone to make sure that my daughter and my kitty got fed.
Now I have three weeks left before I have to go back to work and it's like I've been given an ultimatum...get your life in order, get your mind in order, OR ELSE.
I close my eyes at night and try to go to sleep and all I see is a big jumble of all the stuff that I need to do and have failed to do in my life, stuff that I will never do and stuff that I will never get done and stuff that I will never hope to do and stuff that I BETTER do before July 10...
I don't think I can ever go to sleep.

remembering...

The World War II Memorial wasn't there the last time I visited D.C. It's at the end of the pool between the straight line from the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument.
It fits as if it has always been there.

lost entry...

am i falling for this again?...
i put my heart and soul into an entry, clicked save, and it disappeared into aol no man's land...
what was it about? something about the cast and stitches on my hand, and how it's affected my typing ability, and how i'm using my hand anyway even though i'm not supposed to and even though it hurts really bad, and we had major drama today and i'm tired of it and i'm having trouble getting out of bed, and how i'm falling into a deep black hole of depression again even though my medicine is supposed to prevent that and that might be a clue that it might need to be changed, and i ran out of heart medicine and oh yeah i was going to go back to bed and get under the covers and not come out again until things got much much better
and then of course my plans got foiled by stupid aol losing my stupid entry.
so i restarted my computer, took a walk into the living room and rescued my kitty and put her where she belongs (you know, in bed with me)
and wrote this
and whether this one works or not, I really am going to sleep now.  Tomorrow's Father's Day and we have to honor my grandpa.  I also have to call my dad.  Father's Day makes me uncomfortable for my daughter's sake...she doesn't have a father, never has had one...I don't know how she feels about it.  I feel terrible about it.

how old?

We were on the first day of our journey to D.C....
On the tour bus traveling through the mountains...
I was gazing out the window, listening to my iPod, when I noticed C and one of the moms looking at me expectantly...
I pressed pause just in time to hear my daughter explain,
"No, that's not my sister, that's my mom."
Oh.
The very next day, we're in DC...we've just visited the White House (really truly we got the background checks and the representative approval and apparently I'm not a criminal because my background check came through okay because I visited the White House!) and the FDR Memorial and Arlington and we're eating lunch across the street from the National Archives and I'm just dying to go over there and look at the Constitution and the Declaration real quick...
So I go over to the tour guide and ask her if we have time to go over there really quick and she says no...and she is kind of mean and really short with me!
And I said okay...I'm not a southern woman for nothing...I just turned on the charm and explained why I thought we'd have time...
And she said again, no, and then she said, "You'll need to ask your mom if you have time later."
Oh.
It must be my hair.  I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
I called C 'Sis' the rest of the trip.  She didn't think it was funny, AT ALL. 

a dc tale...

It was our last stop in Washington D.C, before we started our journey back home.  We were in Union Station...everyone else on the trip was getting their last minute souvenir shopping done.  C and I were sitting at one of the coffee shops biding the time until we could get back on the bus. 

But one of the moms stopped by and asked me to go with her to help pick out a T-shirt...

So we traipse off to this little but VERY pricey souvenir shop in the middle of Union Station.  Pricey and CROWDED...

So C spills her chocolate coffee all over her shirt and the floor...oops...

"Oh no, I can't get back on the bus looking like this, I have to buy a new shirt!"

So she picks out a souvenir T-shirt...

By the time she gets up to the register she realizes that she's been holding the new shirt against the shirt she's wearing that she spilled coffee all over and now the new shirt that she hasn't bought yet is ruined...

She explains to the lady at the counter who looks at her in disbelief since she already spilled coffee on the floor...then the lady swallows and says "that's okay, just pick out a new one"...

So C picks out a new shirt and all is well until money is being exchanged and C swings her foot and it crashes against the bottom shelf underneath the counter and the shelf falls and about fifteen souvenir GLASS MUGS crash spectacularly to the floor.

And the store falls into complete silence and there's little pieces of glass all over the floor.

I'm just staring at the counter lady waiting for her to call the police on me, afraid that this is one disaster too many for her to take.

But I have to hand it to these DC people, she just gulped, and picked up her radio, and muttered into it, and then said to me very quickly,"it's okay, it happens all the time"...but even clueless me could hear the PLEASE LEAVE NOW subtext beneath her words.

I've never moved that quickly in my life.

But C does have a really cute T-shirt now...

not today...

I've tried really hard to clean out my email in the last couple of days, at the expense of my arm, which is still in a cast after the surgery I had less than two weeks ago...it's kind of throbbing and in pain.  I'm trying to cool it on the Lortabs, though, because I was kind of 'yearning' for them last night...I'm terrified of becoming an addict. 
Since January I've had two surgeries and missed tons of work and took a mini-vacation to Nashville and a bigger mini-vacation to Washington D.C (for daughter's field trip).  The doctor told me I had a minor heart condition which explained why I was feeling so sick all the time and put me on all this different medication in addition to what I was already taking.  The new medication made me feel even worse but apparently 'the benefits outweigh the risks' or something like that.  My daughter squeaked through eighth grade and managed to pass all her classes...barely, but not with grades good enough to get into any of the high schools she wanted to go to, and we don't want her to go back to the private school she was going to.
So it's June and what I haven't done is find a school for my daughter.  I'm having money issues from when I was off work.  And even though I'm on eight million different medications, I still don't feel very well...
Everyone's mad at me all the time.  Well, by everyone. I mean my daughter, who is mad at the world - I think it's a teenager thing; my mother - who is just mad at me, constantly and always, ever, ever, and ever, I can't do anything right; and my grandmother - who is mad at me and my mother, because we are always mad at each other.  Did I mention that all of us live in two houses, right next door to each other?  This four generations of women very close in age, blood, AND proximity thing is about to kill me...
It's too bad I had to come back to my journal to whine and complain...I probably should have taken that Lortab after all, I probably would have been a lot happier! 
But D is still as strong and kind as ever...and my daughter is healthy and growing and sure togrow out of this mean streak some day soon :)...and my dear sweet adorable kitty is still the cutest little thing ever.  Well, maybe not so little anymore, we took her to vet and she weighed 12 lbs 8 ounces...she's very long and tall and furry, kind of like a horse...she's way bigger than the dogs across the street...but she's still the cutest!

i've seen the shark...

I've gone private...
or at least I think I have.  It doesn't say 'private journal' underneath my thing like it does on other journals...
and how do I add additional people?
I'm very confused...
EDIT! Oh wow...talk about immediate gratification...I hit save and poof! like magic, the words 'Private journal' are right up there where they're supposed to be, along with the words 'add readers'...
It's all very exciting.

I miss this...I mean, I REALLY miss this...

Even though I haven't written in over a month, I still create entries in my head...all the time... We went on the eighth-grade field trip to Washington D.C. last week, and oh! the things I (mentally) wrote about it!
The biggest obstacle is the surgery I had on my hand...I'm still in physical therapy twice a week and it's still pretty uncomfortable for me to sit here and type.  I had no idea the recovery for this would take so long!  And the doctor scheduled my second surgery for June 2...yay...
I'm trying to catch up on reading and commenting, at least...
Baby steps...
I miss this...

trying to find a way...

My kitty is sleeping, curled up on the floor beside me...
I just had some Tagalongs and a diet Pepsi... There may be a better time of year than Girl Scout Cookie time, but right now I can't think of it.
I've had lots of time for reflection since I've been off work...and lots of time for sleeping.  Sleeping and reflecting...
My daughter's grades and behavior have improved by great leaps and bounds since I've been off work.  It makes me so ashamed.  Obviously, a lot of her problems could have been alleviated by me spending more time with her instead of at work.  She needs me...I don't know how come I didn't see it.
When I go back, I'll have to cut out any overtime, EVER...I'll also have to make sure I start going in early so I can get off early and be home with her.  This is easy stuff that I could and should have done before now.  I'm also going to look into transferring to a job with different hours...enough said...
We just watched 'Elizabethtown' tonight...it's so strange typing that name out in full because, around here, we just call it E-town.  I vaguely remember when the movie was being filmed here in Loo-uh-vul because there were sightings of the beautiful people all around town...
And now I feel bad for not paying more attention when they were filming, or when it came out in theaters, because the movie ROCKS...and not just because it has Mr.Beautiful Orlando Bloom himself in it! 
This movie has everything that I love...it showcases my beautiful city and state and all the wonderful people who live here...it has awesome music...and it dictates the importance of The Road Trip.  It's MY perfect movie...
It even had Derby glasses.

aimlessly...

In the summer of 1998, I was laid off my job and spent the entire summer out of work...
So what did I do that summer?...The first time I had ever not worked since I was old enough to hold a job?...
Well, during the day, I enjoyed being able to spend my daughter's summer vacation with her.
And at night until early morning, I was online...EVERY NIGHT, ONLINE...on good old AOL, playing Trivia, lurking in newsgroups, and IM-ing with my big brother...
I remember that summer fondly!  But then of course, August came and I went back to work.
But I had forgotten how much I really enjoyed totally wasting my time online, until now, when I'm off work again and can't seem to tear myself away from the computer. 
So is the computer an efficient time-saver, or a total time-sucker?
:)
Today I reached my discomfort level with my stupid cast and had my mom take it off and redo everything.  The physical therapist last week had split it open so it was only in a half-cast, and something about the way she re-wrapped it was just killing me...
So when my mom finally got to the inner wrappings, you could see the indentations in my skin where the p.t. had wrapped it too tight.  No wonder it was bothering me so much!  Then I felt stupid for waiting so long before doing something about it...
But the incision is looking really good, no infection, and the bruising and swelling is down.  Yay!  And now I have it rewrapped and I am soooooo much more comfortable...thanks to Doctor Mom!
:)
My daughter's middle school field trip this year is to Washington DC...and against my better judgment I sent the deposit in for us to go.  I really can't afford it this year, but I talked myself into it because it'll be much less expensive going with a group as opposed to going alone.
(But the problem with going with a group is...you know, THE GROUP.)
This'll be my third visit to DC...it's been almost twenty years...I'm so excited!  Abraham Lincoln, here I come...