Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly...

So I went to Google looking for the Olympic thing:

But instead, I found this:

Google said Happy Birthday to me!

I know that Google is telling me Happy Birthday because I'm logged in somewhere or other...but it's a little, um, freaky... The machines are poised to take over. We are almost in the land of Terminator and The Matrix, I know it. The other day, I went to send an email at work, and my computer very helpfully told me I forgot to attach my spreadsheet.

They are alive.

So, for my birthday tonight we went out to eat, and my birthday party is on Sunday; tomorrow night Dwayne is making me dinner, because he's perfect and wonderful. He is in pretty bad shape now, and pretty confined to the wheelchair and in very low spirits. He is in constant pain, yet apologizing to me because he can't help. 

Doesn't he know he's my hero?

I have much to say, but not the will...my headache has been hanging on for a good long while this time around. At this point, who cares? Migraines are just a given...like the SNOW, and the COLD; and never going away!

Ahem.

Still celebrating my tenth anniversary of blogging, here's a birthday throwback...

Sunday, February 6, 2005:

Before I left for Germany, when I was ten years old, my family had an early birthday party for my brother and me…who knew when we would be home again? My grandmother decorated a huge cake, with one side of it with Smurfs (for me J ), and the other side of it with a UK wildcat (for my brother)…

We got lots and lots of presents that day. One of my presents was a tape recorder…one of those huge black and silver things… On that day, with my family all together for the last time in what would be years, I made all of them speak into the recorder and record a special message for me.

I took that tape with their special message with me to Germany, where I kept it for all three years I was there, and whenever I was desperately homesick for my family I would play it…

The message was simple: It was my mom, my brother, my grandma, my grandpa, my aunt, my great-aunt…everybody recorded the same thing… 

"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"

I no longer have the tape, but I can still hear it, in my head…

Today, my family had an early birthday party for me (my birthday is actually Monday)…They called me into the kitchen, and I walked in to the crowd of people, my mom, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew, my daughter, my aunts, my boyfriend…

I knelt down to blow out the candles on my cake…

And I realized that all the people that had left me the messages on my tape so long ago were still right here…

I nearly cried as I realized how blessed I was, that over twenty years later, I’m still a member of this wonderful, sometimes maddening, always loving family,

And they were able to tell me again, today, that they loved me…

Instead of a wish for something I didn’t have, this year, before blowing out the candles, I just thanked God…for everything.

He's my brother...

Me, Carol, John, Moma - 1991

Try to ignore the hair and clothing...we thought we were in style. :)

That's me, my sister-in-law, my big brother and my grandmother up there, at my brother's graduation from drill sergeant school at Ft.Something or Other in 1991.

I may have said something about my brother before in the past nine years on this blog... He IS my big brother, after all, and I think big brothers come with a secret manual or something, called 'How To Torture Your Little Sister Her Whole Life.'

They may think the same thing about us.

So we're at a family party earlier this month, and John, Chelsea, Dwayne and I are hiding down in the basement away from the annoying cousins (even though my brother and I bicker endlessly, we are also very very similar. That may be why we bicker endlessly.)

Deciding this is as good a time as any, I hand my brother the list of '20 Things About My Brother' that I had just posted on Twitter. ALL TRUE.
Here they are:

1. Loud
2. Good dad
3. Obnoxious
4. Obsessive
5. Protective
6. Former drill sergeant
7. Refuses to lose
8. Loud
9. Obnoxious
10. Able to make sisters, nieces, aunts, mothers, cousins and grandmothers cry
11. Charming to everyone but his family
12. My rock when we were growing up
13. Loud
14. Obnoxious
15. One of the best men I know
16. Can be a big jerk
17. A great big brother
18. An annoying big brother
19. Loud and obnoxious
20. Loves me

He reads it over, hands it back, and says, "I can't believe you said all those mean things about me!"

"What mean things? I said a lot of good things! And it's all true!"

"Not all of it."

"What isn't true?"

"I'm not obnoxious."

With that declaration, Dwayne, Chelsea and I all shouted in laughter. We couldn't help it. Look obnoxious up in the dictionary, you'll see my brother.

We went upstairs and he told on me to my mom. My mom said, "Wait, when you used to run around with Rich, didn't you use to call yourselves 'Loud and Obnoxious'? In fact, wasn't Rich 'Loud', and you were 'Obnoxious'?"

I love it when my mom takes my side.  Even now when we're 40 and 45 and we regress 35 years in her presence.

I also really do love my big brother, I don't know what I'd do without him.

Take it in but don't look down

Family portrait, 1993

See that cute little baby in that picture up there?

That's MY baby.  I don't care how old she gets, or how sappy this sounds, she will always be my baby.

Even if she is 21 years old today.

(sniff)

That is all.

oh, wait...

To the most beautiful, wonderful, awesome daughter in the world:

Happy Birthday, Chelsea.

No. Way.

I can't believe today is my 40th birthday.
I'm the age my mother used to be when I was 20.  And now, my daughter is 20, the age I used to be.
What?
How did this happen?
And I've been drifting and dreaming the years away...
I want a pause button, so I can figure out my great contribution to society...time's just rushing on and on.
...
Then again, only John Lennon could write `Imagine`. It takes the rest of us to appreciate it.  

Retrospect

November:

My pretty bought-new UK blue car broke to pieces when I hit that tree, and after more than a month of waiting and then car shopping, I ended up with a brand new used car...

I had bought my last two cars new, both, again, UK blue... but nowadays, times are tough and I had to go for used only, with what the insurance paid off when they totaled out my car.

So my mom and my grandma are out looking for cars while I'm at work, and one day they call and tell me they've found my car and they've had my mechanic check it and all they need is my social security number...

So now I have a little nondescript dark green car, and it looks like every other car in the parking lot. It doesn't stand out like my pretty bright UK blue car did! But that's okay, because I'm in love with the inside of it. It's an LS, nicer inside than any of my new cars ever were, and best of all, the stereo is awesome...

Which is really all I care about. I always offer my car to drive anywhere now, because of my really cool stereo. I LOVE my stereo...

Yeah, I offer my car to drive - not me driving. Other people drive my car alot. I don't wanna drive, and for some reason, people don't seem to want me to drive them around... I can't imagine why...

December -

By December I'm so tired I can barely make it in to work. My arms get tired just blow drying my hair and folding clothes. Once I'm down, I'm down... at home that means going from my bedroom to the kitchen is impossible, and at work that means going from my desk to the breakroom is impossible.

My brain finally remembered that I felt this way a year ago and my anemia had gotten really, really bad... It took me a while to catch on because this year I didn't have any symptoms exacerbating it like I did last year.

So I start taking some over the counter iron pills, but they're not helping...

January -

Cyst on my neck. Surgery to remove it. Stitches. Scar. Ow. At least it's benign.

Oh, and the doctor tested my blood, said my anemia has my blood count almost down to the levels it was last year (8), and got me off the stupid self-medicating and on some proper pills.

My post-op check was delayed by the ice storm that knocked out everybody's power for a week and destroyed all the trees.

Yeah, first the windstorm caused by the hurricane, and then less than six months later, we have the ice storm.

At least all those generators everybody bought the first time around got put to good use....

But I can't stand to see all the broken trees.

February -

Birthday time. After last year's debacle I said, no birthday party. So when my aunt called to let me know that the time of my birthday party had changed, I figured out quickly that my mom had planned it against my wishes...

So, halfway through the party, celebrating it the day after my birthday, with one family member having left the house in anger and walking aimlessly around the neighborhood, and another family member in the kitchen talking angrily about leaving and how they shouldn't have even came, there was me in my mom's bathroom crying and desperately wishing to go back to the day before.

My mom came in there and told me she was sorry, she knew I had said no party, and next year we would just go out of town.

Cool. Or, how about, just. no. party.

On the up side, I'm feeling much, much, much better. The doctor's prescription for my anemia has worked like magic. I'm actually able to go for walks now...

This time, I'm going to keep taking the pills even though I'm feeling better. I've been anemic since I was a teenager, and have gone through spells ever since of my iron dropping to really low levels, but never like it has the past two years.

Take your medicine! It's my new motto... I'm not getting any younger, obviously, with the way these dreaded birthdays keep coming around...

No lines...

I keep waiting for things to return to normal...HAH!...what's normal?
I gave blood at the blood drive at work on Friday, for the first time in five years, because they've finally changed that rule (I've been eliminated since 2000 because I had lived in Europe for more than six months since 1980...they have finally changed it from six months to five years, so my three years are finally okay! Yay!)
I didn't used to have a problem giving blood, but I guess because it's been so long, I've gotten rather attached to it...I felt really faint and queasy, seeing it go away from me in that BIG BAG...bye blood...
My daughter's volleyball fundraiser was Saturday morning at 7 a.m.... yard sale/car wash... and oh boy, THAT was really fun, sitting in the 100% humidity for hours and hours while your daughter is her usual cheerful and not at all rude self (I'm being sarcastic there)...
And then we had her birthday party that same evening (her actual birthday is on Thursday)...
My grandmother graciously allowed me to have the party over at her house, because my house is trashed while we're redecorating (and now that I'm writing this I'm not sure if I even said 'thank you' again after it was over? oh my gosh I'm as rude as my daughter, obviously that's where she gets it from...)
The combination of losing a gallon of blood the day before (okay, a pint or whatever it was), and a gallon of sweat that morning, and sitting in the heat all day, and getting a sunburn, and running ALL OVER town between the yard sale and the party, resulted in a very exhausted me and I totally crashed at the party.  I think I slept for at least two hours on my grandma's couch...
My family spoiled C, as usual. 
And D, always the ultimate in spoiling her, bought her a portable DVD player. 
Oh. My. Gosh.  Maybe she'll let me borrow it...
Whatever.  Maybe THEY spoiled her, but I don't see THEM subjecting themselves to what I'm going to have to do...
I bought her two tickets so that we could go see Hilary Duff in concert next month. 
HILARY DUFF!
It's what C REALLY, REALLY wanted...
I tried to convince D to go with her instead, but he said...well, I can't write in print what he said, but it was along the lines of a very firm 'NO'. 
I've banged my head at Metallica and KISS concerts...I've clapped my hands at Dolly Parton and Garth Brooks concerts...I've mellowed out at Rod Stewart and Beach Boys concerts...
but this one really has me nervous!  How do you act at a concert THAT YOU'RE TAKING YOUR THIRTEEN-YEAR OLD TO?
THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME, I'VE REALIZED THAT I AM OLD.
Good night... :(

Easter...

I had a rough time getting out of the house on Easter morning...any other Sunday, I get to church on time (well, my usual five minutes late for Sunday School, no problem), but this Sunday...well...
I know what the problem was.  I usually just wear my work clothes to church...dressy casual dark slack-type clothes, and my black Skechers, of course!  I've gotten used to being the only woman at my church who doesn't wear dresses, I hardly even notice it any more. 
But my grandmother bought me this lovely purple skirt and jacket-type thing for my birthday, that's been hanging in my closet ever since, that she begged for me to wear at least for Easter, before it's relegated back to my closet with all my other lovely skirts and dresses that my grandmother has bought me...
So that was the problem.  I know it took me twenty minutes to figure out how the stupid skirt went.  It had TWO slits in the front, when I finally figured it out...whoever heard of that?!
When I finally emerged from my bedroom, all dressed and grumpy and purple, D laughed and laughed when I told him about my skirt confusion.  I think his exact words were, "You girly-girl, you...".  It's a good thing he also told me how nice I looked!
But after the rough start, Easter settled down into a good day.  What's a little skirt grumpiness compared to the magnitude of what this day means to Christians like me?
It was also my grandma's birthday.  After church, the whole family went to my grandma's house for dinner.  Then C and I, and my cousin, made Easter eggs.  After that, things are a little hazy because I fell asleep on D's knee in the family room, but I vaguely remember the kids having their Easter egg hunt inside (it rained outside all Easter long).  Then my grandma opened presents, we had birthday cake, and we watched the Kentucky game,
insert big sad :( here, nothing worse than fighting through two overtimes and still losing...but I'm still so proud of my team...I love my Cats!...
I was sitting around the table with my mom, and my grandma, and my aunt, and my cousin, and my daughter...everyone else was in the family room or the living room or elsewhere...and my grandma boasted about how she still had her eastern Kentucky accent...and my mom and my aunt said, no, not like you used to, and then they all started talking over each other in this old language...the language they all had forty years ago when they still lived in the mountains of eastern Kentucky.
I just remember feeling so lucky, sharing amused glances with my daughter and my cousin, that we all shared a moment like that, together, in 2005.  Every holiday seems like a precious gift, to make just one more memory with your family.

Will my journal's alerts ever work again? I think not...

…But that’s okay! Once, a long time ago (last year), there was life for me before I knew about alerts…I can do it again…I can! J
Happy Birthday, me…
I’m still feeling very loved and blessed today…even though my family celebrated my birthday with a party on Saturday (see previous), today I still got phone calls and emails from my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, my friends…
Today my co-workers threw me a party, brought me a cake…my boss bought me flowers…
My mom, my aunt, and my daughter took me out to dinner today…my dad is coming into town and will take me out tomorrow…and D and I will be going out for my birthday this coming up Saturday night…I think I’ve stretched my birthday to last for about a week, this way! LOL
I know there will be times in the future when I’ll feel unlucky and unloved…but in reality, what I have is rare and wonderful, and I know it.
EAR UPDATE: I took my daughter to the ENT again today…it’s not better, of course…but it is less swollen than it was…the doctor vacuumed out her ear again (OH MY GOSH, YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE!)…She will be on antibiotic eardrops now for two more weeks (I have heard this entire script before, but it SOUNDS better, somehow, coming from the ENT)…and when we go back in two weeks, they will most likely have to put her to sleep under anesthesia so they can get a look at her eardrum, her ear is still in such bad shape, they can’t get a good look at it. (sigh)
My birthday gift to myself? I’m taking the day off tomorrow. I don’t know why I didn’t take my actual birthday off today…I think it’s because I knew my co-workers were already planning a party for me and I didn’t want to disappoint them…
My big plans for my day off tomorrow, before I pick up my daughter from school and we go out to eat with my dad?
SLEEP! I am going to get up, take my daughter to school, come back home, turn on TNT, and nap all day to the soothing sounds of Angel, Charmed, ER, and Judging Amy, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it…sleep sleep sleep, here I come!
One last thing…
I think that I’m so tired today, the enormity of being 32 for the first time hasn’t hit me yet…how can I be 32? It seems like just yesterday that I was 31…
I’m feeling loved and blessed and tired and overwhelmed…I’m feeling like there’s something I’m supposed to do now that I’m 32, that’s my special responsibility…maybe we’re back to LIVING!

No matter, alerts of this aren`t working anyway...

Before I left for Germany, when I was ten years old, my family had an early birthday party for my brother and me…who knew when we would be home again? My grandmother decorated a huge cake, with one side of it with Smurfs (for me J ), and the other side of it with a UK wildcat (for my brother)…

We got lots and lots of presents that day. One of my presents was a tape recorder…one of those huge black and silver things… On that day, with my family all together for the last time in what would be years, I made all of them speak into the recorder and record a special message for me.

I took that tape with their special message with me to Germany, where I kept it for all three years I was there, and whenever I was desperately homesick for my family I would play it…

The message was simple: It was my mom, my brother, my grandma, my grandpa, my aunt, my great-aunt…everybody recorded the same thing… 

"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"
"I love you, Michelle…"

I no longer have the tape, but I can still hear it, in my head…

Today, my family had an early birthday party for me (my birthday is actually Monday)…They called me into the kitchen, and I walked in to the crowd of people, my mom, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephew, my daughter, my aunts, my boyfriend…

I knelt down to blow out the candles on my cake…

And I realized that all the people that had left me the messages on my tape so long ago were still right here…

I nearly cried as I realized how blessed I was, that over twenty years later, I’m still a member of this wonderful, sometimes maddening, always loving family,

And they were able to tell me again, today, that they loved me…

Instead of a wish for something I didn’t have, this year, before blowing out the candles, I just thanked God…for everything.

Sunday Morning, Coming Down...

I'm working myself up to making a meaningful entry...I've been doing fluff for so long, I don't know if I can remember how to do anything else...but I'm working up to it.
It's unfortunate that the first time I've been clear-headed since Thursday has to be at 3:21 a.m. on a Sunday morning.  Well, I'm not really clear-headed, since I'm actually still kind of stopped up, but at least my nose isn't running and I'm not in a medicated fog (that Tylenol Nighttime Flu medicine packs quite a punch!).
I was still the walking dead Friday night...fell asleep on the couch...I had to wake up, give my daughter her medicine, tuck her in bed, fell back asleep, woke up Saturday morning with my daughter complaining she was sick...me thinking, "I know that, you've been sick for months"...and then she threw up in the bathroom..."Oh, that kind of sick."
So all day my poor baby ran a fever and had nausea...and then, about six p.m., it's like a switch turned off and she started feeling better. I don't know what it was, but thank goodness it's over.  
We went to my aunt's birthday party today at my grandma's house...which my daughter missed all of as she went upstairs to 'her' room as soon as we got there and slept the whole time.  It was a great party, for once...no family arguments, no one got mad at anyone else and left...no one made anyone else cry.  It was great!  Probably I enjoyed it so much because I wasn't actually there, I spent most of the time upstairs watching my daughter sleep, because the minute I tried to leave 'her' room she would wake up and say, "Mommy? Where are you?"  LOL It's like she knew I was trying to go and get some birthday cake!
My dad bought me a new scanner for Christmas, and I finally opened the box tonight...I think I might hook it up tomorrow. It's actually a scanner/printer/copier, so, last weekend, I set up my daughter's computer in her room, and hooked up my old printer in there.  I think I've mentioned before, she is ARTSY, you should see what she's creating in paint and printing out!  I tried to tell her, print cartridges are expensive...(sigh)...I guess I know who's going to buy the new cartridges...I'll tell my boyfriend to get right on that! LOL!
Friday night, I was sooo sick and miserable, and D came in and brought us supper, and he had bought me a bouquet of flowers...red roses and yellow and pink and purple flowers (I don't know what the other ones were)...but they were oh so pretty and so unexpected!
I couldn't even smell their pretty fragrance, because, you know, I couldn't breathe, but it was so sweet...
I'm going to try and go to sleep, now...
Good night.

No more jittery, let's go to frantic...

Well, it's 12:01 a.m. and officially D's birthday ... OMG it's his BIRTHDAY!  I haven't been shopping, I haven't baked a cake, I haven't made any plans! 
I'm deluding myself into thinking it's really not that bad.  I should get off work tomorrow way before he does... I'll buy cake mix and stuff in the morning.  I wonder if I have time to bake before I go to work?
I haven't bought his present yet, either.  What do you get for someone who doesn't really have any interests, and mostly only works all the time?  Twice a year I have  this dilemma...
(groan)
You know how you start off Monday and think, wow, I have a whole week to get all this stuff done?
And then Thursday night comes and you think, OMG, what did I do all week?!  Where have I been?!
(Answer: Work.  Y.  Daughter's school.  Daughter's doctor's office.  Daughter's volleyball games.  Church.  Walgreens.  Work.  Work.  Work.  Work.  And, of course, computer.) 
I'll pull it all together, though, just wait and see...

I'm going to sleep now. Really.

No matter how late I stay up, I still have to get up at 7 a.m.  It'll be earlier than that when school starts next month.  Why can't I go to bed earlier? 
I swear, it's the laundry.
I took my mom out to eat for her birthday today, to her favorite restaurant (Tumbleweed).  She wanted to go to the one that's really far away...as my daughter and I were driving there to meet her, we figured out why...there's a bookstore in the same shopping center, to which Mom received about $150 worth of gift certificates for at her birthday party Saturday.  She thought she was being slick...so my daughter and I got to the restaurant first, ordered our drinks, and as soon as Mom came in and sat down, we asked her what time the bookstore closed. 
The guilty look on her face was priceless!  We collapsed in laughter...
I'm so thankful for my mother, and for my daughter, and for today.

It all comes to this...

When there's really nothing else to say:
I'm miserable with the world's worst headcold, and I'm dizzy from the cold medicine I'm taking.
I've been getting ready for my daughter's birthday party today.  Her birthday's Wednesday, but since most of my family has to work on Wednesday, I'm having her party today.  Then Wednesday I can have her all to myself!
I've been helping my mom decorate for 'HeroQuest' this coming week.  Lots and lots of different types of 'hero' posters.  The point is to stress to the kids who their hero really should be, but still...
...the Bruce Lee poster is really really cool.  I'm thinking of bringing it home after VBS is over, and framing it.  Just looking at it makes you want to take a Kung Fu stance and start doing jumping kicks in the air.
I'm off to bake a cake, wrap presents, etc., even though, with this cold, I really just want to lie down.
Play through the pain!