Thursday my mother told me that I "should never have been a mother." She said that I should look at C's room and at the way C is and it's obvious, I should never have been a mother.
I've spent the last two days in a strange state...I can't explain it. Hearing my mother say something so hurtful, and so hateful, to me was devastating.
At first I was asking myself, did I deserve that? I really don't think I did...that was just a really mean thing to say to me.
Then I started asking myself if she was right...
As a single mom to a child with a disability like C has, I ask myself every single day if I'm doing okay...I question every single decision I make. I know I've made some wrong ones. But I really don't think I've been a bad mom.
But my mom thinks I have been. And I can't do anything more than I already do. I'm just me.
She broke me when she said that.
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
My brother wanted me to make a CD to play during the $400 family fireworks show tonight...his special request was a 'Star Wars / Patriotic' CD, with the emphasis on the 'Star Wars'.
Didn't work...I played around with the playlist for two days, and mostly 'Star Wars' meant mostly BORING for 99% of our guests who would not be Star Wars fans. I eliminated all but four songs from various Star Wars soundtracks, put a few Star Wars sound clips in, and the rest were some of my favorite patriotic songs.
I had to, regrettably, leave out Jimi Hendrix' version of the Star-Spangled Banner...I was told the senior citizens wouldn't appreciate it...
1. The Star-Spangled Banner - Whitney Houston
2. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Lightsaber
3. 'Star Wars' Main Theme
4. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars'...You must learn the ways of the force...
5. Song of the Patriot - Johnny Cash
6. America: Why I Love Her - John Wayne
7. 'Star Wars' Anakin v. Obi-Wan ('Revenge of the Sith' Soundtrack)
8. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Darth Vader breathing
9. Fourth of July - Shooter Jennings
10. America - Waylon Jennings
11. Some Gave All - Billy Ray Cyrus
12. America the Beautiful - Ray Charles
13. 'Star Wars' Duel of the Fates ('The Phantom Menace' Soundtrack)
14. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' Do or do not, there is no try...
15. 'Top Gun' Anthem
16. God Bless the USA - Lee Greenwood
17. Coming to America - Neil Diamond
18. 'Superman' Theme
19. Ragged Old Flag - Johnny Cash
20. If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley
21. America the Beautiful - Willie Nelson
22. 'Star Wars' Yoda's Death ('Return of the Jedi' Soundtrack)
23. Sound Effect - 'Star Wars' If you strike me down...
24. Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) - Alan Jackson
25. God Bless America - Celine Dion
I spent most of my time inside...my hand is killing me. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, I think I have some nerve damage in my middle and ring fingers.
The space shuttle lifted off! It was beautiful...
p.s. I've told everyone I know about how Laura Ingalls Wilder spent one Independence Day in De Smet, SD...because nobody I know (except for me) has read her books. The most significant part to me has always been where everyone at the celebration in town is able to recite the Declaration of Independence.